• ARRSE have partnered with Armadillo Merino to bring you an ARRSE exclusive, generous discount offer on their full price range.
    To keep you warm with the best of Merino gear, visit www.armadillomerino.co.uk and use the code: NEWARRSE40 at the checkout to get 40% off!
    This superb deal has been generously offered to us by Armadillo Merino and is valid until midnight on the the 28th of February.

The Friday joke....

Goatman

ADC
Book Reviewer
#1
well?.....I'm waiting.......?..........oh all right:

That new blonde paint?

It's not very bright but it's cheap and it spreads easily :lol:

No?

okay

Erin Dawes ( for it is she) : " Why don't you ever call my name out when we have sex ?"

ARRSER: " I didn't want to wake you..."



oh well,

According to www.fhm.com/honeysuncut - Holly, Lancashire:

" what do short-sighted gynaecologists have in common with a Border Collie puppy ?"




" They both have wet noses ! "

bonne weekend tous ! ( Meme en Irak)

Le Chevre
 
#3
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every
time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while
they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she
turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was
holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b@stard," She
screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids."
 
#6
A young boy went up to his father and asked him "Dad, what is the
difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a moment, then answered "Go ask your mother if
she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask
your sister if she would sleep with brad pitt for a million dollars then
ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So the boy went to his mother and asked "Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?" the mother replied, "Of course I would!
I wouldn't pass up on an opportunity like that!" The boy then went to
his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars?" The girl replied "Oh my god! I would just love to do that! you
would be nuts to pass up that chance!" The boy then went to his brother
and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of
Course!" The brother replied. "Do you know how much stuff a million
dollars could buy?" The boy pondered for a few days then went back to
his dad.

His father asked him "Did you find out the difference between
potentially and realistically?" The boy replied "Yes sir. Potentially
we are sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we are
living with two slu*s and a p0of."
 

Goatman

ADC
Book Reviewer
#7
ticklishrodent said:
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every
time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured
she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while
they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she
turned on the lights. She looked down. and saw her husband was
holding a battery-operated leisure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic. "You impotent b@stard," She
screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
"I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids."
Seen....B-....... "ticklishrodent works hard at subjects it is good at but MUST learn to apply itself.....
 
#9
G this should get me a D+


Stud Rooster


A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old
fart, time for you to retire."
The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of
these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have
the two old hens over in the corner?"


The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking
over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."


The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance old man. So, just to be fair I will give
you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5
inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front
porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and -
BOOM -
He Blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay
Rooster I bought this month."


Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and
treachery will always overcome youth and skill!
 

Goatman

ADC
Book Reviewer
#10
:lol: (one)
:lol: (two)
:lol: (three)


...following a rather faltering start, Ticklishrodent has applied itself this term...keep up the good work...

house point
 
#11
Nursary teacher: Class, what do your father's do? You first John.
John: My dad's a Policeman Miss. he goes arround and arrests criminals.
Nursary teacher: That's good, Adrian, What does your dad do?
Adrian: He's a Fireman, Miss. He runs into burning buildings and rescues people.
Nursary teacher: Thankyou Adrian. Chris, What does your dady do.
Chris: My Dad's dead Miss.
Nursary teacher: I'm sorry, Chris. What did he do before he died?
Chris: Turned blue and Sh1t himself Miss.
 
#14
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo
of another man on her night stand by the bed. He
begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping
to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."
 
#15
Now he's been found innocent after his long trial Michael Jackson is taking a well earned break away from the lime light

he's going to Tampa with the kids. :D
 
#17
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".

I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!"

He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.

He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

The Judge said, "Me too!" Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.

I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday. Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
 

Latest Threads