The Filthy Limerick Competition.

#1
I put this into the old jokes Forum and thought I'd redo it here.

This is a story about a guy named Sid, who used to win The Filthy Limerick competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy Limerick ever...and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the Limerick wasn't yet published, the editor couldn't tell him what it was, but feeling sorry for the distraught loser, gave him the phone number of the winner.

Sid immediately rang and was again floored when the phone was answered. "Miss Rose Brown speaking." A fucking splitarse had won!!! Sid explained who he was and asked Rose to speak her Limerick. She said "Oh, I couldn't do that young man, I'm 82 and don't say things like that out loud."

Sid was gobsmacked, "82 FFS!!"

"Well I'm a filthy Limerick expert, so will you just dah de dah the rude bits and I'll fill them in for myself?" He said

The old lady thought it over and eventually said to an impatient Sid "I can't see that it would hurt me to do that, so I will dah de dah it for you. Are you ready?"

"Yes of course I'm ready" said an inwardly seething Sid, who still didn't believe that his best, most disgusting filthy Limerick ever, had been beaten into second place by an old fart.

"Right then, here goes" she said.........

"Dah diddy dah diddy dah dah diddy,
Diddy dah diddy dah dah dah diddy,
Diddy dah dah diddy dah,
Diddy dah dah diddy dah,
Dah diddy dah diddy fucking bollocks."

Feel free to beat it with your own Limerick. :)
 
#2
A professional felcher called Jack,
Liked dirty rimming and kak.
When Elton John's hoop
needed cleaning of poop
He'd lick it and swallow it back.
 

Travelgall

LE
Kit Reviewer
#3
There was a young woman named Alice.
Who used Dynamite as a Phallus.
They found her Vagina in North Carolina.
And part of her Arsehole in Dallas.
 
#4
There was a young man of Mauritius,
who said "Your cunt looks suspicious.
All green and decayed
You should have been spayed;
though the odour itself is delicious."
 
#5
There was a young girl from Penzance,
Who boarded a bus in a trance.
All the passengers fcuked her,
As did the conductor.
And the driver came twice in his pants.
 
#6
There was a young lady of Exeter
So pretty that men craned their necks at her (ouch!)
One went so far
As to wave from his car
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her (ouch-ouch!!)

There was a young girl from Pitlochry
Who tried to have sex on a rockery
Unable to come
With a rock up her bum
She said "This isn't a fuck, it's a mockery!"
 
#7
There was a young lady named Jane
Who loved to have sex on the train
It was best in a group
With a cock up her hoop
She'd keep on shouting "fuck me again."
 
#8
There was a young man of Fashoda
Would not pay a whore what he owed her
I'll fix you she said
And jumped out of bed
Then pissed in his whisky and soda...
 
#9
A Squaddie dropped off in the sun
And woke up with fly buttons undone.
He remarked with a smile,
"Fucking hell, a sundial!
And now it's a quarter past one."
 
#10
There once was a woman from Crewe
Who said as the padre withdrew
"MDN was much quicker
and slicker and thicker
and three inches longer than you."
 
#11
When I was a little girl I had a little quim,
When I went to bed at night I put my finger in,
Now I am a big girl my quim has lost its charm,
Now I put my finger in and half my f**kin arm,
 
#12
There was a young lady called Lucky
Whose cunt was incredibly mucky
When told to have a bath
She said " yer having a laugh "
Men love the smell of yucky.
 

maguire

LE
Book Reviewer
#13
the boy stood on the burning deck
eating red hot scallops
one fell down his trouser leg
...and burnt him on the ankle.






...missed his bollocks completely!
 
#14
As a matter of poetical curiousity I take it that four lined limericks are ruled out of the competitive equation. It would be a real blow if some cunt with no literary sense won the prize.
 
#15
A fancy young lad from Khartoum
Once took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
As to who had the right
To what to which and to whom
 
#16
A fancy young lad from Khartoum
Once took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
As to who had the right
To what to which and to whom
Try this version of the classic - it has better scansion I feel:

A nancy boy from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room
She said to the queer
"Well now that we're here,
Who's going to do what, where and to whom?"
 
#17
A Bobby of Nottingham Junction
Who's organ had long ceased to function
Deceived his good wife
For the rest of her life
With the aid of his Cunstabulary truncheon

A clever young man named Eugene
Invented a wanking machine
At the twenty-first stroke
The fucking thing broke
And beat both his balls to a cream

A broken down prossie named Tupps
Was heard to confess, in her cups
"The height of my folly
was pleasuring a collie
but I got a good price for the pups..."
 
#18
As a matter of poetical curiousity I take it that four lined limericks are ruled out of the competitive equation. It would be a real blow if some cunt with no literary sense won the prize.
Philistines, they lack the inner feeling, the soul even, to appreciate the finer points of the truly filthy Limerick. :ncool:
 
#19
I'm amazed no one has quoted:

There was a young student from Buckingham
Who stood on the bridge in Uppingham
Watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fuckin' 'em.
 
#20
Yes an old favourite pongo. Or even...

Their was a young man from Devizes
Who had balls of different sizes
The left one was small and nothing at all
The right one was big and won prizes.


There was a you man from Stroud
Who touched up his bird in a crowd
A bloke at the front
Sniffed and said "cunt"
Just like that, not very loud.
 
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