The Filthy Limerick Competition.

Discussion in 'Blue Jokes' started by Monty417, Oct 14, 2010.

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  1. I put this into the old jokes Forum and thought I'd redo it here.

    This is a story about a guy named Sid, who used to win The Filthy Limerick competition every year. Last year he sent in his most disgusting flithy Limerick ever...and was stunned to find out he'd only come second. As the Limerick wasn't yet published, the editor couldn't tell him what it was, but feeling sorry for the distraught loser, gave him the phone number of the winner.

    Sid immediately rang and was again floored when the phone was answered. "Miss Rose Brown speaking." A fucking splitarse had won!!! Sid explained who he was and asked Rose to speak her Limerick. She said "Oh, I couldn't do that young man, I'm 82 and don't say things like that out loud."

    Sid was gobsmacked, "82 FFS!!"

    "Well I'm a filthy Limerick expert, so will you just dah de dah the rude bits and I'll fill them in for myself?" He said

    The old lady thought it over and eventually said to an impatient Sid "I can't see that it would hurt me to do that, so I will dah de dah it for you. Are you ready?"

    "Yes of course I'm ready" said an inwardly seething Sid, who still didn't believe that his best, most disgusting filthy Limerick ever, had been beaten into second place by an old fart.

    "Right then, here goes" she said.........

    "Dah diddy dah diddy dah dah diddy,
    Diddy dah diddy dah dah dah diddy,
    Diddy dah dah diddy dah,
    Diddy dah dah diddy dah,
    Dah diddy dah diddy fucking bollocks."

    Feel free to beat it with your own Limerick. :)
  2. A professional felcher called Jack,
    Liked dirty rimming and kak.
    When Elton John's hoop
    needed cleaning of poop
    He'd lick it and swallow it back.
  3. There was a young woman named Alice.
    Who used Dynamite as a Phallus.
    They found her Vagina in North Carolina.
    And part of her Arsehole in Dallas.
  4. There was a young man of Mauritius,
    who said "Your cunt looks suspicious.
    All green and decayed
    You should have been spayed;
    though the odour itself is delicious."
  5. There was a young girl from Penzance,
    Who boarded a bus in a trance.
    All the passengers fcuked her,
    As did the conductor.
    And the driver came twice in his pants.
  6. There was a young lady of Exeter
    So pretty that men craned their necks at her (ouch!)
    One went so far
    As to wave from his car
    The distinguishing mark of his sex at her (ouch-ouch!!)

    There was a young girl from Pitlochry
    Who tried to have sex on a rockery
    Unable to come
    With a rock up her bum
    She said "This isn't a fuck, it's a mockery!"
  7. There was a young lady named Jane
    Who loved to have sex on the train
    It was best in a group
    With a cock up her hoop
    She'd keep on shouting "fuck me again."
  8. There was a young man of Fashoda
    Would not pay a whore what he owed her
    I'll fix you she said
    And jumped out of bed
    Then pissed in his whisky and soda...
  9. A Squaddie dropped off in the sun
    And woke up with fly buttons undone.
    He remarked with a smile,
    "Fucking hell, a sundial!
    And now it's a quarter past one."
  10. There once was a woman from Crewe
    Who said as the padre withdrew
    "MDN was much quicker
    and slicker and thicker
    and three inches longer than you."
  11. Spanish_Dave

    Spanish_Dave LE Good Egg (charities)

    When I was a little girl I had a little quim,
    When I went to bed at night I put my finger in,
    Now I am a big girl my quim has lost its charm,
    Now I put my finger in and half my f**kin arm,
  12. There was a young lady called Lucky
    Whose cunt was incredibly mucky
    When told to have a bath
    She said " yer having a laugh "
    Men love the smell of yucky.
  13. maguire

    maguire LE Book Reviewer

    the boy stood on the burning deck
    eating red hot scallops
    one fell down his trouser leg
    ...and burnt him on the ankle.

    ...missed his bollocks completely!
  14. As a matter of poetical curiousity I take it that four lined limericks are ruled out of the competitive equation. It would be a real blow if some cunt with no literary sense won the prize.
  15. A fancy young lad from Khartoum
    Once took a lesbian up to his room
    They argued all night
    As to who had the right
    To what to which and to whom