The farming and smallholding thread

Oops

Old-Salt
Ooh goody, shall we start a
'feckin footpaths fread'?
We've got one, right through the middle of our farmyard...
In today's world, I don't know of any other factory or business premises where any member of the public can wander through anytime, anyhow, anyway, animal and machinery operations galore.
We've gotta be careful, how can it be that any Militant Animal righters/ Gyppos/ General Scum can walk down our yard at 3am in a morning unimpeded , with the potential to put a cig or match to our straw shed,root round our livestock/ machinery and not have to justify their presence to anyone.
It doesn't quite end at our farm gate, you have to take a little detour over two Stiles to get out.
People don't like climbing Stiles.
They like the chained up alsation living half way along the 'short cut' even less!
Especially the OLD RETIRED PROFESSIONAL TYPES, who 'know their rights' but can't read the feckin map they're holding...
The Ex Military fella that moved up from civilised Hampshire and pulled our gates down repeatedly cos he decided we were "Impediments to his morning constitutional"
Thumped th'owd fella, and took several swings at me as I was relaying the excitement on a 999 call.
Operator..
"What's he doing now?"
"Hitting me"
"Can you stop him?"
"Yeah, but I don't want to jeapordise my FAC or SC "
"Don't worry about that, put him down"

Dad wouldn't press charges(parish council/ church an all that) but Plod served summat on him and gave us a ref no. to quote if it happened again, they'd come quicker.
It did.
Next time we ended up in middle of road, him literally trying to kick shit out of me...
Plod, coming on blues...
"Can you put him down and sit on him?"
"Yeah but I don't particularly want to"
"He's dangerous, if you can defend yourself do so"
"Captain Manwaering, if you lift your leg once more, I'm going kick your other from under you".....

It's very unpleasant, having queues of cars with their drivers screaming abuse at a fifty yr old fella sitting on a Grandad.
Turns out he was Military Intelligence...
Turns out my education taught me the meaning of the word oxymoron.

It was only DoE's through today, will they stop when Phil karks it?

Oh, I forgot to mention the lads we caught smashing a building up. Shut em in cattle trailer till the Cavalry arrived.
Apparently Plod 'helped' one into the van.
His Dad and a No win No fee type were round a few days later..
"I'd rather my lad went to Borstal, than get kicked by a Copper"
Close...
He's still in jail , for killing an frail 87 yr old gentleman they lived two doors down from.

Nice round here!
 
Last edited:
Ooh goody, shall we start a
'feckin footpaths fread'?
We've got one, right through the middle of our farmyard...
In today's world, I don't know of any other factory or business premises where any member of the public can wander through anytime, anyhow, anyway, animal and machinery operations galore.
We've gotta be careful, how can it be that any Militant Animal righters/ Gyppos/ General Scum can walk down our yard at 3am in a morning unimpeded , with the potential to put a cig or match to our straw shed,root round our livestock/ machinery and not have to justify their presence to anyone.
It doesn't quite end at our farm gate, you have to take a little detour over two Stiles to get out.
People don't like climbing Stiles.
They dislike the chained up alsation living half way along the 'short cut' even less!
Especially the OLD RETIRED PROFESSIONAL TYPES, who 'know their rights' but can't read the feckin map they're holding...
The Ex Military fella that moved up from civilised Hampshire and pulled our gates down repeatedly cos he decided we were "Impediments to his morning constitutional"
Thumped th'owd fella, and took several swings at me as I was relaying the excitement on a 999 call.
Operator..
"What's he doing now?"
"Hitting me"
"Can you stop him?"
"Yeah, but I don't want to jeapordise my FAC or SC "
"Don't worry about that, put him down"

Dad wouldn't press charges(parish council/ church an all that) but Plod served summat on him and gave us a ref no. to quote if it happened again, they'd come quicker.
It did.
Next time we ended up in middle of road, him literally trying to kick shit out of me...
Plod, coming on blues...
"Can you put him down and sit on him?"
"Yeah but I don't particularly want to"
"He's dangerous, if you can defend yourself do so"
"Captain Manwaering, if you lift your leg once more, I'm going kick your other from under you".....

It's very unpleasant, having queues of cars with their drivers screaming abuse at a fifty yr old fella sitting on a Grandad.
Turns out he was Military Intelligence...
Turns out my education taught me the meaning of the word oxymoron.

It was only DoE's through today, will they stop when Phil karks it?

Oh, I forgot to mention the lads we caught smashing a building up. Shut em in cattle trailer till the Cavalry arrived.
Apparently Plod 'helped' one into the van.
His Dad and a No win No fee type were round a few days later..
"I'd rather my lad went to Borstal, than get kicked by a Copper"
Close...
He's still in jail , for killing an frail 87 yr old gentleman they lived two doors down from.

Nice round here!
Fuck mine, where are you just so I don't go there! o_O
 

Oops

Old-Salt
**** mine, where are you just so I don't go there! o_O
It's just
'The Everyday Story of Countryfolk'

We're lucky.
The only shooting incident on our farm was the d#ckhead slaughter man that shot himself in his groin through his ballsack with a captive bolt gun......

Oh how he yelped!
 
Ooh goody, shall we start a
'feckin footpaths fread'?
We've got one, right through the middle of our farmyard...
In today's world, I don't know of any other factory or business premises where any member of the public can wander through anytime, anyhow, anyway, animal and machinery operations galore.
We've gotta be careful, how can it be that any Militant Animal righters/ Gyppos/ General Scum can walk down our yard at 3am in a morning unimpeded , with the potential to put a cig or match to our straw shed,root round our livestock/ machinery and not have to justify their presence to anyone.
It doesn't quite end at our farm gate, you have to take a little detour over two Stiles to get out.
People don't like climbing Stiles.
They dislike the chained up alsation living half way along the 'short cut' even less!
Especially the OLD RETIRED PROFESSIONAL TYPES, who 'know their rights' but can't read the feckin map they're holding...
The Ex Military fella that moved up from civilised Hampshire and pulled our gates down repeatedly cos he decided we were "Impediments to his morning constitutional"
Thumped th'owd fella, and took several swings at me as I was relaying the excitement on a 999 call.
Operator..
"What's he doing now?"
"Hitting me"
"Can you stop him?"
"Yeah, but I don't want to jeapordise my FAC or SC "
"Don't worry about that, put him down"

Dad wouldn't press charges(parish council/ church an all that) but Plod served summat on him and gave us a ref no. to quote if it happened again, they'd come quicker.
It did.
Next time we ended up in middle of road, him literally trying to kick shit out of me...
Plod, coming on blues...
"Can you put him down and sit on him?"
"Yeah but I don't particularly want to"
"He's dangerous, if you can defend yourself do so"
"Captain Manwaering, if you lift your leg once more, I'm going kick your other from under you".....

It's very unpleasant, having queues of cars with their drivers screaming abuse at a fifty yr old fella sitting on a Grandad.
Turns out he was Military Intelligence...
Turns out my education taught me the meaning of the word oxymoron.

It was only DoE's through today, will they stop when Phil karks it?

Oh, I forgot to mention the lads we caught smashing a building up. Shut em in cattle trailer till the Cavalry arrived.
Apparently Plod 'helped' one into the van.
His Dad and a No win No fee type were round a few days later..
"I'd rather my lad went to Borstal, than get kicked by a Copper"
Close...
He's still in jail , for killing an frail 87 yr old gentleman they lived two doors down from.

Nice round here!
have you considered moving to shit hole council estate ?

you'd probably get less bother...
 

neil82

Old-Salt
It's just
'The Everyday Story of Countryfolk'

We're lucky.
The only shooting incident on our farm was the d#ckhead slaughter man that shot himself in his groin through his ballsack with a captive bolt gun......

Oh how he yelped!
that reminds me of the time years ago in a meat processing plant, one dumb shit was that dangerous he was not allowed a knife unless he had mail gloves on both hands and a mail chest plate on, then we would let him have a knife that had about 3" of blade left on it, somehow when boning out a front quarter of beef he stuck the bloody thing into his scrotum
 
that reminds me of the time years ago in a meat processing plant, one dumb shit was that dangerous he was not allowed a knife unless he had mail gloves on both hands and a mail chest plate on, then we would let him have a knife that had about 3" of blade left on it, somehow when boning out a front quarter of beef he stuck the bloody thing into his scrotum
Keep going...
 

Oops

Old-Salt
Can they really “acquire” land as easy as that? How does that work?
Just like 'they' can put your land into a Conservation area, with the onerous regs. that come with it (for no benefit whatsoever)
They're so 'expert' they then put
'Tree Preservation Orders on feckin hawthorne bushes.
You'd get less jail for fiddling with a kid than touching a hedge, drystone wall, or Heaven forbid a watercourse.
Just reflect on these names.
Bill Oddie
Chris (Lord ) Smith
Micheala Strachan
Tony Juniper
Kate Humble
and finally....


CHRIS feckin PACKHAM....

These people have held/ hold more 'sway' over the wellbeing of our Countryside than all those who care/ tend and generally understand the intricacies of our Green and Pleasant Land.

Dickheads all.
( I'd make allowances to try and re educate
La Humble!)
 

Oops

Old-Salt
have you considered moving to shit hole council estate ?

you'd probably get less bother...
I sometimes wonder, with my lack of social skills, callous disregard for life and death, and enough weaponry and fieldcraft to facilitate the elimination of targets near or far, whether a sink estate is my calling..
The bastard's have started panic rustling lambs darn sarf already, I rather fear bother'll come to us sooner rather than later!
 
Gawd help us....

You try and be nice, even though you know The Cheshire Set always look down thier noses at us Lancashire Lunkheads...
An' all they do is start braggin about the size of their bloody horticultural endeavours.
( You're not half Taff are you?)

Leek and ham pie
Leek, potato and stilton soup.........
They'll be reet!
Can I add a childhood favourite of mine, fried leeks and bacon with buttered crusty bread
 

Ravers

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
It’s been a while since I posted a picture of some goats doing goat stuff.
6C8BFA58-D214-495A-AE8F-44A7EED22E3E.jpeg
 

holyphuc

Old-Salt
It's just
'The Everyday Story of Countryfolk'

We're lucky.
The only shooting incident on our farm was the d#ckhead slaughter man that shot himself in his groin through his ballsack with a captive bolt gun......

Oh how he yelped!
A few years ago I was welding a bracket onto the grain trailer at about waist height, it was too big to get in the workshop and since the ground was wet I squatted rather than knelt. I'm reasonably good at welding on the flat not so good at overhead, a blob of molten metal dropped off into my lap, it burnt through my boiler suit, trousers and pants into my ball bag, by this time I was leaping around flinging my welding gloves off and tugging at my nether regions, this dislodged the now merely red hot blob and it rolled down the inside of my leg leaving a burnt trail that looked a bit like one left when snowballs roll down a steep slope, the act of pulling my boot off squished the metal blog into the top of my ankle bone.
 

neil82

Old-Salt
A few years ago I was welding a bracket onto the grain trailer at about waist height, it was too big to get in the workshop and since the ground was wet I squatted rather than knelt. I'm reasonably good at welding on the flat not so good at overhead, a blob of molten metal dropped off into my lap, it burnt through my boiler suit, trousers and pants into my ball bag, by this time I was leaping around flinging my welding gloves off and tugging at my nether regions, this dislodged the now merely red hot blob and it rolled down the inside of my leg leaving a burnt trail that looked a bit like one left when snowballs roll down a steep slope, the act of pulling my boot off squished the metal blog into the top of my ankle bone.
had one drop into my ear, hearing never the same after and by feck it hurt!!!!
 

Oops

Old-Salt
On a similar note,the large cereal farm next door I used to help out on when I was a kid, was run by a bloke who didn't seem to feel pain much.
One day the standard angle grinder kick..
Wrist, tendons, blood (lots of blood) anyhow, he got it bodged. Surgeon had to guess which tendon married up to which, he got two wrong, didn't correct any nerve damage etc."We'll have to sort the tendons before anything else"
Anyway, harvest came , then rugby season
( 2nd rower) then springwork.... you get the idea.
He was holding a lump of steel for me to weld one day, feck there was a stink...
"Jim , you're on fire"
Peering through the shitty old welding glass, I couldn't see much of owt, Jim couldn't feel owt, the back of his hand was ablaze( diesel, soil and grease)
Q. How do you put your blazing hand out?
A.Not by waving it back and forth vigourously, summat to do with extra oxygen, and science!
He didn't endear himself to the Plastic Surgeon by finally plunging it a five gallon drum of waste oil either.
He still can't flick the V's.

It's got me reminiscing...
Jim's BiL was an 'inventor' think scruffier James May...
They had a pillar drill int' workshop (one of those ex wartime 4ton jobs) that went ever so slowly, but never gave up....
It picked up just a wisp of his hippy hairdo as he was leaning forward centering a hole....
It then lifted him off his feet.....
We kept it as a momento, nailed it to a board on the wall,we had to, it started to shrink as the skin layers dried out!
Amazing how closely it resembled the ones you saw on the Cowboy films....

We rechristened him Kojak.

He still doesn't find it funny, 40 yrs later.
Miserable Git.
 

holyphuc

Old-Salt
On a YFC exchange to Guernsey many years ago one of the hosts remarked that he couldn't feel electricity very well, he then demonstrated it by putting the mains fencer wire that was across the silage clamp between his teeth, we could hear it clicking on his teeth, needless to say I didn't give it a go.
 

Oops

Old-Salt
On a YFC exchange to Guernsey many years ago one of the hosts remarked that he couldn't feel electricity very well, he then demonstrated it by putting the mains fencer wire that was across the silage clamp between his teeth, we could hear it clicking on his teeth, needless to say I didn't give it a go.
If his wellies were reet sort he'd get away with it.

Did anyone else ever grab hold of one's siblings hand then quickly grab the fence line??
'Townie' school mates, you could get a time or two before they worked it out.

Feck the ones we use now belt out 6 Joules, it'd X-ray you!
 

Oops

Old-Salt
What's on today's menu?
Coleslaw or do you lot call it sauerkraut?
Lidl's on a mission, that's for sure.
IMG_20200324_175119_6.jpg

Anyhow, don't let it be said my coos aren't bang on trend......
They all embrace the Vegan lifestyle.
IMG_20200324_175530_0.jpg

BTW,
Their 'dining table' is the General Publics' bloody Footpath.
Can you see why I'm not particularly a fan of Ramblers, especially their dogs(shit)...
 
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Did anyone else ever grab hold of one's siblings hand then quickly grab the fence line??
'Townie' school mates, you could get a time or two before they worked it out.
Every single one of them .......and especially any of the 2 daughters townie boyfriends.

Another good combat indicator was if they had friends round.......pile of shoes and boots outside the back door meant they were country types ......townie friends would still be wearing shoes in the sitting room .

It's started round here ....townies wandering all over the place cause the countryside is "safer" they don't keep to footpaths and also can't tell the difference between a field of grass or a field of Barley . Most hate farmers and wouldn't be seen dead in the country normally ........we're 6 miles from the nearest town so they are driving here .
 
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