The Eternal Question

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by raggedy, Jun 4, 2008.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Everything is Dead, there are no more tree,s, no more plants, no grass, no crops, nothing at all. The sea,s are empty of all forms of life too, there is just Nothing left.

    Nothing that is but for one last solitary human being, a bloke. He,s sitting on a rock pondering the wonder of all the desolation around him and asking himself what happened.

    And as he saty there ruminating and grumbling his miserable fate, he dies. The Last One finds himself zooming off up to the Celestial Elsewhere and finds himself at the back of a long long line of former humans, all clad in shrouds and waiting patiently.

    "What we wating for mate?" he says to the one in front of him.
    "Ahh! some kind of dispute up front I b,lieve" says the bloke.
    "Well whats it about then", says the last one, " Is no news coming back?"
    "Nah! takes forever getting to know stuff here, I,ve bin ere millions of years and the news just filters back as and when". the bloke moans.
    "Well, I think I,ll bimble up front and see what the score is". says the Last One, "I,m the Last One y,know."
    "Then youre the Fecker they,re watiing on mate<" the bloke snarls, "Kept us hanging on long enuf, ya twat".

    Miffed and puzzled, the Last One uses new found supernatural powers to zoom through time and space until at last he finds himself at the Final Destination.
    The crowd is vast, billions and zillions of past humanity is milling around in front of closed Pearly Gates. The Last One pulls a Past Policeman up,
    "Scuse me Orifice, whats going on, why are the Gates closed, why wont they let us in?"
    "Oo the bleed,n hell are you then?" says the Past Bill.
    "I,m the last One".

    In Front of the Gates there is a Host of the Heavenly Host forming a Heavenly barricade, all the Cherubim and the Serafim are Brigaded together for the first time since Lucifer lost out and was cast down.

    "Oi!" shouts the Past Bill, "Ee,s ere, the Last One! I,ve got ,im ,ere, wot you want me to do wi, ,im?"

    A loud voice booms out,
    "Get the prick up here sharpish, Past Bill, He,s kept us stood to for far to long."

    So the Last One finds himself in front of a very old and Venerable fellow who looks at him, scans him up and down then says,
    "You him then, the Last One?"
    "Err! Yessir! reckon I am, checked around a bit but I couldn,t see anyone else around. Is anything wrong then Sir?2
    "Wrong! Wrong, what could possibly be wrong, I mean look around you laddie, look around, all of humanity that ever was is here, every man and woman jack and that includes those who never made up their Fecking minds, they,re al here so what the hekll could bev wrong, Eh!?"
    "Well why cant we go in Sir, I mean, I was told down below years ago that this was definately the place to be when It all ended, and it seems it has ended so why are the Gates shut. By the way Sir, who are you?"

    The Venerable bloke looks at the Last One with a gimlet eye,
    I,m the one who looks after the front of house laddie, you can call me Pete. Wewre all gathered here because HIM, inside, the Boss has said that No One, no one at all gets in until the Last One turns up."
    "Well that,s me sir, I,m the Last One sir, so what happens now?"

    Pete calls out in a loud voice,
    "GABE!, best give a Toot on yer Bulgle mate, he,s here"
    "Oo!"
    "T,Last ,un"
    "Feck.........Brrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!"
    A great brassy blare of Bugle noise sears throughout eternity, the Stars go out, the Sun dims and the Moon goes black. Suddenly the Gates swing open, everyone fals on the faces as a tal shiny figure glides down a long staircase and stands in the threshold of Paradise.

    "So!, You,re here then, the lasy of my Creation." says a strong but very old voice, " How are you my boy?, did you have a good trip?"
    "I,m dead Sir, but yes it was a good trip, lated about three score years and ten I b,lieve" says the Last One.
    "Don,t get cocky with me lad. Now, seeing as how you are here at last, I have to take you outside in front of all that mob and ask you the Question that may or may not give youse all access to Paradise, Right!"

    The Last One was at a loss but followed HIM onto a golden dais. The vast concourse of past humanity all bowed and waited in tense silence.
    Gabe stepped up beside HIM,
    "Blow the Horn, Sir?"
    "What?"
    "My Horn Sir, Shall I give a last toot, y,now, Tarraaaa! It,s all over?"
    "NO!, you cant play a fecking note anyway, dont know why I kept you hanging around for so long, My Mums doing, she said she needed you and thats the only reason your still on the strength, now step back and keep you lips of that fecking mouthpiece>"

    The Last One is Verily Perplexed by this strange Heavenly Exchange of Celestial Repartee, but deems it safer to keep shtumm.

    "RIGHT!" Howls HIM, calling out to all Dead Humanity, "Listen in, I know your all gagging to get inside, and I.m sorry to have kept you hanging about, but, at long last, HE is here, the LAST ONE folks and on him depends whether you go in or get sent back down, lock stock and barrel, to take another shot at doing my will right."
    ",Bout fecking time too, " shouts a tiny voice from the multitude, " We,re well pissed off sculling about out ,ere."
    "Yeah!"
    "Get on wi, it"
    "Ask the fecker then Boss"

    The crowd is getting restless, but HIM shoots his arm up and there is total silence.

    "RIGH!, now, you all know the score, you,ve all bin told, NO FECKER GETS IN ,ERE UNTIL I GET AN ANSWER, OK??"

    Mumble, mumble, mutter, mutter went the multitude

    "Right Last One, you are the one, the only one who has the answer to the Eternal Question, it,s all down to you now Son, dont let me down Lad."

    The Last One was hitting himself, he did,nt know about any answers to any eternal questions, he didn,t even know his dads name.

    "Right! Here we Go Son, the Eternal Question........................













    ............"Where are the Wales?. they were there when I left, so, where are my Wales?.
     
  2. I think one is in the HCMR and the other has just started at Dartmouth!
     
  3. Is it just me :?
     
  4. :?

    Does this mean we're not getting into paradise? :x
     
  5. hahaha, almost read it all then thought fcuk it see the punchline :D:D:D
     
  6. dull

    hooped