The Emperor Mongs Pronouncements

An old mate of mine was on the UK Judo team and he was targeted by a group of youths around his age due to the fact that he owned a computer business.
One night he is surrounded by about eight of them.
He just threw them all over the place and carried on walking.
After the old bill got involved he was advised that the best course of action would be to move out of the area, as they were a really nasty bunch of lads.
Anyway he moved down to the west country and was set upon again walking along the towpath after a session in the pub. Only four of them this time and even though he was steaming he remembers counting them down, "One in the canal, Two in the canal, ETC."

Edit to add: He was a relative short arse, but the distance between his shoulder blades probably equalled his height.
He used to use his low center of gravity to spectacular advantage.
 
Last edited:
Charger for the camera has gone missing, hunting everywhere for it..

Whoooosh, a flash and a smell of sulphur as his purple robed majesty enters the room.

OS my minion, tis but a charger, go onto the bay of E and purchase another one.

Me. Hmmm that sounds like a good idea.
A few days later the charger arrives, camera is plugged into charge.

Me... Hmmmm, what is this that is wrapped around the bottom of the camera tripod, ohhhh its the original charger. Oi, Mong you wanker!!

Mwahahahahahah
 

Kirkz

LE
Charger for the camera has gone missing, hunting everywhere for it..

Whoooosh, a flash and a smell of sulphur as his purple robed majesty enters the room.

OS my minion, tis but a charger, go onto the bay of E and purchase another one.

Me. Hmmm that sounds like a good idea.
A few days later the charger arrives, camera is plugged into charge.

Me... Hmmmm, what is this that is wrapped around the bottom of the camera tripod, ohhhh its the original charger. Oi, Mong you ******!!

Mwahahahahahah
Isn't it always thus.
The amount of times I've lost something, bought a replacement then immediately find the original.
 
Isn't it always thus.
The amount of times I've lost something, bought a replacement then immediately find the original.

"lost" a very expensive electrical test rig in a factory complex, hunted high and low. I put up wanted notices on the factory noticeboard, etc. Eventually bought a new one costing many English pounds, Monday morning turn up for work with new test kit, and there sitting on my work bench in the workshop-maintenance area, my lost test kit, with a note from the chap who found it where I last left it, in the control panel for a 1000 ton Evans press.
 
"lost" a very expensive electrical test rig in a factory complex, hunted high and low. I put up wanted notices on the factory noticeboard, etc. Eventually bought a new one costing many English pounds, Monday morning turn up for work with new test kit, and there sitting on my work bench in the workshop-maintenance area, my lost test kit, with a note from the chap who found it where I last left it, in the control panel for a 1000 ton Evans press.
Simply said, 'Bugger'.
 

Joshua Slocum

LE
Book Reviewer
Speaking of losing things
at my last employers, one of the salaried mongs left his mondeo outside of the main entrance to a site with the keys in the ignition as the main gates were locked ( they could not park and walk a few yards could they )
he goes onto the site and directs a labourer to park his car for him
labourer returns what car
the nearly new Mondeo had vanished
trouble was it was a leased car, so it was reported stolen , but rather than pay for a replacement car the company elected to keep paying the lease on the basis it would turn up
it did 6 years later in the long stay car park at Heathrow
with the keys in the ignition and false plates
after numerous letters to the owner of the real plates, they worked out it was cloned and rang the police
car recovered and its ID worked out
new plates fitted by Ford Dealer and car returned
it had been gone so long the firm purchased it for small sum never realising it would come back
I had to go and collect it, first call was a valeting place to clean it out
it stayed as a pool car as the mileage was quite low after 2 years in the long stay
however the bill for parking was eye watering
 
Speaking of losing things
at my last employers, one of the salaried mongs left his mondeo outside of the main entrance to a site with the keys in the ignition as the main gates were locked ( they could not park and walk a few yards could they )
he goes onto the site and directs a labourer to park his car for him
labourer returns what car
the nearly new Mondeo had vanished
trouble was it was a leased car, so it was reported stolen , but rather than pay for a replacement car the company elected to keep paying the lease on the basis it would turn up
it did 6 years later in the long stay car park at Heathrow
with the keys in the ignition and false plates
after numerous letters to the owner of the real plates, they worked out it was cloned and rang the police
car recovered and its ID worked out
new plates fitted by Ford Dealer and car returned
it had been gone so long the firm purchased it for small sum never realising it would come back
I had to go and collect it, first call was a valeting place to clean it out
it stayed as a pool car as the mileage was quite low after 2 years in the long stay
however the bill for parking was eye watering
Your head is devoid of punctuation.
HTH
 

Joshua Slocum

LE
Book Reviewer
Another Emperor Mong moment from my last employer some years ago now
thrusting young management type is given a brand spanking new car, top of the range
now this young man is very very busy, aiming to be a shooting star
walks the walk ,talks the talk laughs at all the bosses jokes
so busy that in 19 months he neglected to take his company car for even its first service
it was a Focus
impressive build quality
one day he comes into the workshop asking for keys to the pool car, and could I get his car collected as it started making a loud rattling noise as he left the yard he said it was perfect as he came in ??
no worries I leave him to swap his stuff over, he shoots off but neglects to leave me his keys
hey ho busy chap
eventually he returns and hangs about in the pool car until I have left the area, now this I find odd
so I return via my hidden path and watch him
he swaps the rest of his stuff over
then places a small book in the glove box ?????????
then I see him open the boot go over to the skip and deposit 2 x 2 litre oil cans in the skip
off he goes and leaves his keys on my desk

over to skip, hook out two empty oil containers and the receipt from the M4 Services from that morning

bonnet up, open filler cap camshaft blue, cam followers blue
engine fucked and crank rattling
oil spotlessly clean

open glove box to find a brand new Ford service book all stamped up ??

ring the Garage tell them it has had a total oil pressure failure and the engine has seized
could they uplift it
I walked upstairs to speak to the person who manages cars and explained my suspicions, and show her the oil cans she said dont worry call into the Ford dealer later and speak to the head mechanic

later I visit and he asks me if I have an idea of the problem
I tell him the bullshit story I was told, but also about the fresh empty oil cans and my suspicion its been run out of oil

he laughs and shows me the service book in a sealed plastic envelope
being a leased car, the services are recorded on the PC and sent to the leasing company for payment
vehicle reg comes up, never been near a Ford dealer
oops
a staff member is called in for a meeting without coffee as it seems he gave the muppet the book ( was a drinking buddy)
engine fucking fucked
new engine ordered from Ford complete with all ancillaries including gearbox. about 4 grand I recall


after a meeting without chair or a coffee, or possibly a floor , our thrusting young exec was offered a plan, we will deduct it out of your wages, and you will ensure it is maintained correctly

he was actually a nice bloke, if he had been honest with me, I would have suggested a little damage to the sump caused by an item of debris on the motorway

did he learn ?
nope, he had the Emperor on speed dial

Some months later his car was stolen while he was out with friends for a meal
it turned up on top of a roundabout outside of a massive defence establishment and covered by CCTV
oddly car locked, handbrake on ,and out of gear????

told the lady in charge he had gone to the pub for dinner with some friends, hung his coat up, then gone on into town, and got a taxi home, when he came back the next day it was not where he parked it ?? and his keys must have been stolen in the first pub

oddly the roundabout was about 400 yards from his house ??? 4 miles outside of town


she asked where he slept that night
oh at home
well if your keys were nicked how did you get into your house ??

cue a little flustering and avoiding eye contact and excuses

Ford dealers ring up
data downloaded from main ECU
car started with keys and immobiliser recognised
crashed at 38 mph into roundabout triggering airbags and fuel isolation
above not possible if hotwired
then car locked up with remote

pretty much what we saw on the video file beforehand heheheehe

the car being fairly new was repaired with all new Ford parts
and returned to the company
but he could not drive it as the Police came in for a chat and removed his licence
he still worked for us, but had to repay the company for the repairs, and the damage to the roundabout
and a new set of keys to replace the ones he threw away, we had a spare set in the office, but not taking any chances with him again
repair bill around 4K
new front end
exhaust system ripped off
steering and suspension parts and air bags and keys

when it came up for end of lease, I was tempted to buy it and park it outside his house !!!

he left a few years later , I often wonder whether he learned his lesson
I doubt it
 

Fang_Farrier

LE
Kit Reviewer
Book Reviewer
Over the years I have been driving I must have fuelled up hundreds of times, if not thousands.
Let's call it an even thousand, it makes the maths easier.

Let's just say that apparently a 99.9% success rate at selecting the correct fuel type for the works car does not mean that you will be excused writing incident reports on that 0.1% occasion.
 

Seadog

ADC
Over the years I have been driving I must have fuelled up hundreds of times, if not thousands.
Let's call it an even thousand, it makes the maths easier.

Let's just say that apparently a 99.9% success rate at selecting the correct fuel type for the works car does not mean that you will be excused writing incident reports on that 0.1% occasion.
It would be more embarrassing if that ever happened to an engineer, not that it ever could, no siree.
 
Over the years I have been driving I must have fuelled up hundreds of times, if not thousands.
Let's call it an even thousand, it makes the maths easier.

Let's just say that apparently a 99.9% success rate at selecting the correct fuel type for the works car does not mean that you will be excused writing incident reports on that 0.1% occasion.
took the office hire car out for a meeting. Hadn’t got far when car stops. Call office, call breakdown etc. Car low loaded to hire car company who gave me another one and away I went. Late to meeting but no bother.
Returned to office couple of hours later, office manager goes off on one because the car been misfuelled, going to cost us a fortune, charge you for it etc etc.
Let him finish then innocently ask him to remind me of the routine for fuelling the car. About that point he remembers that the car is refuelled on return the previous day, and that I hadn’t had it the day before?

Very sheepish looking chap a few desks down....
 

Dicky Ticker

War Hero
took the office hire car out for a meeting. Hadn’t got far when car stops. Call office, call breakdown etc. Car low loaded to hire car company who gave me another one and away I went. Late to meeting but no bother.
Returned to office couple of hours later, office manager goes off on one because the car been misfuelled, going to cost us a fortune, charge you for it etc etc.
Let him finish then innocently ask him to remind me of the routine for fuelling the car. About that point he remembers that the car is refuelled on return the previous day, and that I hadn’t had it the day before?

Very sheepish looking chap a few desks down....
Reminds me of a colleague many years ago, he drove in from another city every day and one morning my phone rang around 08:30. The conversation went like this:

"You remember that new Rover I bought about six months ago, the top of the range all singing all dancing long distance comfort petrol powered car?"
"Yup"
"It doesn't run well on diesel...."

Seems he'd filled the tank (from a quarter full} at a motorway services and then went hell for leather down the motorway. He didn't get far before it suddenly went quiet.

Saying that I put about 5 litres of unleaded in my wifes diesel patrol by mistake, all we had to do was top the diesel up and keep it topped up for a while until the diluted petrol worked it's way through the system
 
Saying that I put about 5 litres of unleaded in my wifes diesel patrol by mistake, all we had to do was top the diesel up and keep it topped up for a while until the diluted petrol worked it's way through the system
Used to do that in the winters in Germany, at low temps diesel used to start to solidify. Adding petrol helped keep it liquid.
 

Latest Threads

Top