The Emperor Mongs Pronouncements

seaweed

LE
Book Reviewer
The Emperor is an old hand at this. Ca.1921 when my grandparents were in Jamaica (he major in the WIR) some charismatic nutcase persuaded a whole lot of locals to give away all their worldly goods, dress in white and ascend some high spot where de good Lawd would scoop them up into heaven. De good Lawd he fail to turn up.
 

napier

LE
Moderator
Kit Reviewer
The Emperor is an old hand at this. Ca.1921 when my grandparents were in Jamaica (he major in the WIR) some charismatic nutcase persuaded a whole lot of locals to give away all their worldly goods, dress in white and ascend some high spot where de good Lawd would scoop them up into heaven. De good Lawd he fail to turn up.
Did they go there of their own accord?
 
Well after my last visit from his intergalactic highness of manglement involving my loverly old truck i was so honoured by he today.

EM : hey taff howzit ?

Me : piss off not talking to you

EM : dont be like that mukka does thy truck now handle better after my sage advice about your shock absorbers.

ME : pissorf im still traumatised after the tribulations you laid at my door last time (but yea she is pretty good now)

EM : well mot next week chap and seeing how you have today off, sun is shining etc. Why not waxoyl the underneath ready?

ME : could idea but cant be farked. Eerily reminiscent of last time old boy first day off in weeks and want to chill and drink some vino.

EM : nonsense old boy you have all the stuff there and imagine the moteers face when he sees how gleaming your chassis and arches look. Hour tops i promise and you will be imbibing and rejoicing

ME : hang on wasnt that what you said last time

EM : no mukka dont know whats your on about. Now to work minion ah i mean mukka


And so it transpired that indeed ems takenon time is skewed as one hour turned into four in the searing heat and while truck does now indeed look good in black as opposed ginger me myself is fecking covered in the stinking goop and the harder i scrub the more the shite spreads and still no fecking vino yet.


EM you twaaaaaat.
 
Such a shame, the outcome I was hoping for, was for the doors to spring open violently with the effort of the crowbarring, smacking him in the face and knocking the scrote into the middle of next week.
The soft weegie plod only hit him once and I have dicovered I have removed 2 of your likes for some strange reason.
 
I detect a heavy whiff of sulphur in this story

After selling all of their worldly possessions, giving away $100 bills in the park, lighting their house on fire, walking away naked and fighting with cops, a couple realise that it isn't judgement day after all
Texas. Nothing to see here, His Excremency was not involved.
 

TheIronDuke

On ROPS
On ROPs
Book Reviewer
EM (for it is He) "Heyup Iron. You appear....

Me. "Stressed. Yeah. It is my natural condition. Now do one. I hate you.

EM. "Off on your hols? A short afternoon to sort the house? No wonder you are stressed. You are wondering where to put that new watering can your bird just bought. Why not just jam it in the back of the shelf in the boot room? It will still be there when you get back".

Me. "Yeah. Sounds good. Thanks Your Emps".

*Holiday Holiday Holiday Holiday Holiday*

EM "Welcome back Iron. Jesus frocking Christ. What is that minging stench which would choke a pig?"

Me. "Dunno. I shall open all the windows and doors. I feel faint".

EM. "Oh look. When you jammed the watering can into the back of the shelf in the boot room it hit the switch on the freezer. Many kilos of meat, pizza and your birds special fish pie have gone rancid in the heat. Could that be the rotten minging stench that has pervaded your whole house?"

Me. "I hope one day to corner you in a car park".

EM. "MWWWWWAHHHHAHH".
 
EM (for it is He) "Heyup Iron. You appear....

Me. "Stressed. Yeah. It is my natural condition. Now do one. I hate you.

EM. "Off on your hols? A short afternoon to sort the house? No wonder you are stressed. You are wondering where to put that new watering can your bird just bought. Why not just jam it in the back of the shelf in the boot room? It will still be there when you get back".

Me. "Yeah. Sounds good. Thanks Your Emps".

*Holiday Holiday Holiday Holiday Holiday*

EM "Welcome back Iron. Jesus frocking Christ. What is that minging stench which would choke a pig?"

Me. "Dunno. I shall open all the windows and doors. I feel faint".

EM. "Oh look. When you jammed the watering can into the back of the shelf in the boot room it hit the switch on the freezer. Many kilos of meat, pizza and your birds special fish pie have gone rancid in the heat. Could that be the rotten minging stench that has pervaded your whole house?"

Me. "I hope one day to corner you in a car park".

EM. "MWWWWWAHHHHAHH".
There should be a sympathy button (maybe a little sniggering). My neighbours did that, it was a crying shame about all the food, but a lot of relief when we found out they were on hols, because the alternative was that they'd died in the flat :(
 
Its bollocks , petrol and diesel do not mix well. You can get away with small amounts of petrol mixed with diesel.
Tell me about it, was stood in my local filling station and was err distracted and I picked up Unleaded instead of Deisel had to put twice as much in to 'blend' it smokey starting for a while..............as for t he distraction short skirts and nice arrses tend to have that effect, even on an old letch like me :-D:-D
 
Last night. After a day's graft, I do like a G&T, whisky, brandy, sometimes with soda. Lime jiuce with soda, ginger ale, vodka & tonic and so on and so forth.
His ReekingPurpleMongness had spoken to me earlier in the week thusly:

EM: Ooo look! if yuo buy that own brand fizz, you can get two bottles for 80p already. Sure it's own brand, I congratulate them on their unfussy design, commonality of font, label size, subtle colours. They look nice & uniform on the shelf, don't they? (you poor, unsuspecting, juicy bloody fool).

TbL: Yes indeed! I am, obviously, known for my style and frugality, I could save a shiny shilling, almost!

Time passes. The sulphurous miasma dissipates.

TbL: Phew, that was a bit of a day. I shall hie me to the cocktail shelf for a restorative whisky and, hmm, soda for a change.
<sfx: psfrssssshssss. titter, farty sound>

Whisky and tonic water is foul'
<sfx: mwahh ha haarrrr etc etc>
 
Tell me about it, was stood in my local filling station and was err distracted and I picked up Unleaded instead of Deisel had to put twice as much in to 'blend' it smokey starting for a while..............as for t he distraction short skirts and nice arrses tend to have that effect, even on an old letch like me :-D:-D
Aye....did the tank of petrol not diesel in the works van many years ago. Excuse was I'd never had a diesel car, bike or lawnmower...phoned Bossman to complain that I couldn't get above 10 mph/per gear.
Got back to the usual garage with a bottle of scotch for the mechanic to keep schtumm & drain the tank. Filled it back up out of my own pocket.
Told the boss we just 'cleaned the plugs a bit' and it was all fine....
Lucky it was a tiddly little vauxhall vanette, not a transit or sprinter.

Blamed the need for an early refill on a 'high speed' trip to Cardiff.
 
Tell me about it, was stood in my local filling station and was err distracted and I picked up Unleaded instead of Deisel had to put twice as much in to 'blend' it smokey starting for a while..............as for t he distraction short skirts and nice arrses tend to have that effect, even on an old letch like me :-D:-D
Be there done that got the T shirt. Its on this thread some where about 18 months back.
 
The Emperor is an old hand at this. Ca.1921 when my grandparents were in Jamaica (he major in the WIR) some charismatic nutcase persuaded a whole lot of locals to give away all their worldly goods, dress in white and ascend some high spot where de good Lawd would scoop them up into heaven. De good Lawd he fail to turn up.
Reminds me of the story I heard about the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse. Some bloke sat at the bottom of the Mayan pyramid everyone was flocking to, and asked everyone for all their money. From what I heard, the bloke made a motza and scarpered before the End Of The World failed to happen, stranding a bunch of people out in the jungle.
 
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It's always amusing to ask JWs about why they're still bothering people's doorsteps and not all off in their spaceship thing whilst the rest of us lie smited to death, as their end of days was supposed to be in the late nineties. I gather that they've cunningly changed it to "it's imminent" without putting a timestamp on it.

Then again, the nutters believe that heaven was formed in 1914 (presumably in anticipation of all the souls about to be sent off in the first great shoeing), so...
 

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