The Emperor Mongs Pronouncements


His Imperial Mlarrness told me I had a choice between Children in need and RBL.

I can watch the dark side (and bawk), but I know where my priorities are.

RBL wins.
"Go on George, vent your anger by sending an email to every SNCO and Officer in the unit to let them know of your displeasure, you're clever so don't worry about checking it for grammer or spelling."

Thanks a fecking bunch, I'm suffering PTSD because of that. Flash backs and cold sweats every time I hover over the 'Send' button.

I'm haunted!!!
His Exalted Highness:

'Just wear the feckers! Nobody will notice.' (They did)

'There's bound to be a cashpoint/filling station in the next village.' (There wasn't... and never is)

'Don't bother setting your alarm. Someone else is bound to get up before you.' (They didn't)

'Go on... crack one out. There's nobody around.' (There was)

'Have another pint. You deserve it.' (I did... & paid dearly)

'One punch and he'll fold.' (Yeah right... if only)

'She'll never notice just one pair of knickers missing.' ("YOU FCUKING PERVERT" I)

'You really ought to try the matchstick trick!' (Yeah, just remember to take the cnut out before handing it back in)

'He's a really nice bloke. Lend him the money.' (He wasn't... and I never got it back)

'NO STEP? Sure you can.' (Crack! Oops. Run away)

'Go on, up here arse. She'll love it!' ("YOU FCUKING PERVERT" II)

'You don't need a 600 for the airfield.' (Surprise!)

'They will not leave without you.' ("What do you mean you're still at Hythe?")

Many thanks Your Highness for all the top quality advice you have imparted upon me all these years... you cnut! :evil:
EM "You had better pack an iron, nobody else will think of taking one, take a kettle as well, go on"

8 man room - 8 men - 8 kettles and 8 irons, (still no fcuking milk though!)


EM " its only the north of Scotland , its april and it wont be that cold"

woke up to find ice on the tent both inside and out, and the water for the tea had frozen along with the milk
EM "Go on fella, you could be Barry Sheene my son, you are a motorcycling god..........go on son crank it over, knee down, you'll make that right hander........."

Barsteward :x :roll:

Pop went the collar bone & a bill for 500 sheets later..........

What a guy 8O
Might as well stay out and have another pint. You can get everything packed in the morning.....
EM: You can get past that artic easily, there's no ice on the road. You're a lot lower down than Kupres, it's not as icy here.

Cue 10 seconds later, engage dif lock, remove DAF from ditch, point DAF the correct direction down the road.

Check DAF for damage, DAF had been crashed 3 times in 2 weeks so damage well hidden. Never told a soul cos the Emperor cannot be put as a witness on an RTA form
I can hear him now

"whats that Darth? an exhaust port on the Death Star, ah go on, nothing to worry about my son, no-one will ever find out about it!"

See - even the Force is as nothing to the power of the real Emperor


I will just go for a couple of pints then do my admin when I get back! wont stay out too long!


My names not on the work ticket! If I just park it up hand the keys in they will never know it was me that bashed the rover while doing some personal off road training!!
They'll never notice the extra Kms on the clock, go on, go home and see the missus. You don't need to be back on the area until tomorrow.
Getting ready for the start of my full screws course and the first parade.
"You don't need to bother taking the laces out of your boots and clean behind the eyelets, they're not going to notice anything"

One visit to the jail and a beasting later......
EM to a young lad at 1 Div.

"Wear your gold plated anchor chain under your uniform for a parade. The RSM will not notice."

RSM to a young lad at 1 Div.

"What is that you are wearing? You're in MY world now".


EM. Go on its Sunday night, just have a couple more and WE will both get up at six and iron your Kit mate.

(0730 Monday morning) EM. Your late for parade mate

Barsteward I hate him
A thick shirt and a woollen jumper is all you need under a smock - no need to bother with rollnecks and fleece jackets.....they used to manage with a shirt and a serge tunic in Wellington's day - what's wrong with you?

OK Emperor Mong, you're right - I won't really need all that wet/cold weather gear...



EM: "Go on, pop that message into the SSM's office before you take the chainsaw kit back to the SQMS, what could possibly happen"
I was one of Emperor Mong's underlings a while ago...

The Emperor : Listen to my pronouncement Charlie_Cong for I have a great many commands for you.

Me : Yes, oh celestial Lord, I quiver as the Earth quakes when confronted by your wisdom

The Emperor : Your first long field exercise is imminent, and you must not fail me. I shall send you to Garelochead to live among the tress and camp and shoot things and that. Now listen very carefully.

It will be Summer and therefore very hot. I forbid you to take your puny crisp packet waterproofs, for donning them makes you a gayer, and - worse - if you wear them the enemy will hear you miles away.

Me : Errmm... Are you sure, Dark Lord of Mongness? I mean what if it rains a lot?

The Emperor : DO NOT QUESTION ME YOU PATHETIC IMBECILE. Scotland is the most favourable of my fiefdoms and I have decreed that its summers will be Carribean in their intensity. In my munificent generosity I give you one of these new Combat 95 jackets, so that you need not wear a heavy combat jacket. This is the new Imperial field uniform. Everyone will admire you, and hold themselves cheap and unfashionable in their issued gear.

Me : But, mighty one, it looks a lot like a shirt

The Emperor : Shut it fool, for you vex me and I do not want to tire myself by having you ripped limb from limb. You do not understand this wonderful gift I bestow on your worm like form. Look at the label - its says "Jacket" so shut your cake hole.

Me : Thank you, generous sir, I am pathetically grateful for this Ally attire. I won't need to pack my proper field jacket either, will I... get in!

The Emperor : Furthermore I will also bless you with immunity from Stag with some magic words. When your mucker approaches your basha at 3am, attempting to rouse you from your delicious well-earned sleep with the words "You're on stag, mate", answer him with the phrase "Nah, wrong hole, Charlie_Cong is the next basha on".

Use this wisely, and reflect as you do on my charity.

Me : You are indeed wise, mighty one, the Earth trembles with every one of your commands.

One week later, Charlie_Cong endures five days of continuous rain, piercing cold and a lot of stag.

When things just couldn't seem worse, and the only reason I wasn't sobbing quietly in shame and self pity was that I didn't have the energy, I appealed to him for help.

The Emperor : Get some hexy on for breakfast.... thats it.... no don't worry that the waters only been boiling for 20 seconds, the sheer concentrated heat of your gaze will make the baked beans cook. And don't bother digging your spoon out - you can stir your tea with sticks and squeeze the food into your gob"

So my plight could in fact become worse, as I ate cold breakfast, slashing my lips to ribbons on the metallic packet.


I left the Emperor's service after that and gave up my dreams of becoming one of his henchmen. I pleased to be able to say that I am now completely immune to his evil spell. :wink:



A dark night in Bessbrook Mill, NAAFI bar closes and do_1 ends up with a party of RSCOTS enjoying a few tins watching the 12th on a grainy video.

EM whispers to one of the revellers.

"Take this amber nectar the drink of local peasants that is refered to as "poteen" and the evening will be merry and go by without incident".

Result - Over £1000 in fines from orders go into the Emporers coffers, Mrs do_1 not chuffed with my fine of £200 coming out of Novembers wages.

Ho Ho Ho resonated the emporers commanding voice in my head.

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