The Emperor Mongs Pronouncements

[CaptainRidiculous]

Garden is too small but for the dogs I'm the local snack bar. Nothing like a tasty finger to chew on for a walk along the woods. It wouldn't be the first time a dog has returned home with some oddity hanging out its jaws.

A while back I was hacking my way through what passes for a front garden jungle and found somebody's dildo. Not your usual cucumber type with a couple of batteries but a rubber veiny thing that must have been quite an experience for the receiver. I should add that it was most certainly not an everyday find and I'm still wondering who was rummaging for their house keys in their handbag and decided to throw away a dildo instead! Bit like the single shoe on the highway. Who are these one legged drivers who, while barreling along the motorway, suddenly look down and think "Oh fcuk it I've just lost my shoe."

Anyways, back to the dildo. Just at that moment one of the locals walked by with her hound on the way home. There are a few in our manor who consider themselves above the rest of us. This was one of them. I tossed the dog the dildo and home he trots. She's about to enter the driveway and turns round, shrieks and calls hubby over who is giving their Renault people carrier the third wash of the day. Mutt is standing proudly with a large pink rubber cock hanging out of his mouth. Husband is called over to remove said disgusting object as the lady of the house isn't going to touch the filthy thing. I'm guessing hubby doesn't get much in the way of jiggy time. He calls dog over, dog remains seated wagging its tail, Hubby approaches dog, wife still protesting, dog is having none of it and starts to growl, "Get yer own feckin cock, this one's mine" and a tug of war starts over the rubber appendage. Dog wins and runs round the back of the house. Sadly out of sight and no doubt to sit and have a chew of his new boner.

A few others in the street heard of the event and there have been tears of laughter when I revealed who had provided the offending article.

Didn't put it in the Lost and Found then?
15" throbber. Owner must identify." Etc

 

[CharleyBourne]

It could be worse - the film is an adaptation of his book. I bought a few copies for the lads for on tour with the condition that they should be passed between them so everyone can have a laugh.

[WARNING. - NSFW]

edited to add - it is the film adaptation of I hope they serve beer in hell

As a very green probationer my colleague and I were told to attend an address because rellies had been unable to contact the occupant, a middle aged woman, by phone.

After the obligatory ringing the bell, tapping on all the windows, shouting through the letterbox and sniff test we remembered we had a bosher in the boot that we had collected to take back to the station from another unit.

Neither of us had done the course but in order to "preserve life" I gave the door a good smack with it (I was a natural) and we were in to be greeted by the occupant in her nightwear (no pics before you ask) coming down the stairs and a little bit upset at our presence. Heavy sleeper apparently and not p1ssed at all.

A quick repair to the lock with my trusty Leatherman and we fcuked off before she had sufficiently woken/sobered up to take in what had happened and take our numbers. She probably thought she dreamt it. AIO to comms with minimal details.

 

[bedended]

Garden is too small but for the dogs I'm the local snack bar. Nothing like a tasty finger to chew on for a walk along the woods. It wouldn't be the first time a dog has returned home with some oddity hanging out its jaws.

A while back I was hacking my way through what passes for a front garden jungle and found somebody's dildo. Not your usual cucumber type with a couple of batteries but a rubber veiny thing that must have been quite an experience for the receiver. I should add that it was most certainly not an everyday find and I'm still wondering who was rummaging for their house keys in their handbag and decided to throw away a dildo instead! Bit like the single shoe on the highway. Who are these one legged drivers who, while barreling along the motorway, suddenly look down and think "Oh fcuk it I've just lost my shoe."

Anyways, back to the dildo. Just at that moment one of the locals walked by with her hound on the way home. There are a few in our manor who consider themselves above the rest of us. This was one of them. I tossed the dog the dildo and home he trots. She's about to enter the driveway and turns round, shrieks and calls hubby over who is giving their Renault people carrier the third wash of the day. Mutt is standing proudly with a large pink rubber cock hanging out of his mouth. Husband is called over to remove said disgusting object as the lady of the house isn't going to touch the filthy thing. I'm guessing hubby doesn't get much in the way of jiggy time. He calls dog over, dog remains seated wagging its tail, Hubby approaches dog, wife still protesting, dog is having none of it and starts to growl, "Get yer own feckin cock, this one's mine" and a tug of war starts over the rubber appendage. Dog wins and runs round the back of the house. Sadly out of sight and no doubt to sit and have a chew of his new boner.

A few others in the street heard of the event and there have been tears of laughter when I revealed who had provided the offending article.

Morning @PFGEN,
Coincidentally, got sent this today.

 

[Drlligaf]

Garden is too small but for the dogs I'm the local snack bar. Nothing like a tasty finger to chew on for a walk along the woods. It wouldn't be the first time a dog has returned home with some oddity hanging out its jaws.

A while back I was hacking my way through what passes for a front garden jungle and found somebody's dildo. Not your usual cucumber type with a couple of batteries but a rubber veiny thing that must have been quite an experience for the receiver. I should add that it was most certainly not an everyday find and I'm still wondering who was rummaging for their house keys in their handbag and decided to throw away a dildo instead! Bit like the single shoe on the highway. Who are these one legged drivers who, while barreling along the motorway, suddenly look down and think "Oh fcuk it I've just lost my shoe."

Anyways, back to the dildo. Just at that moment one of the locals walked by with her hound on the way home. There are a few in our manor who consider themselves above the rest of us. This was one of them. I tossed the dog the dildo and home he trots. She's about to enter the driveway and turns round, shrieks and calls hubby over who is giving their Renault people carrier the third wash of the day. Mutt is standing proudly with a large pink rubber cock hanging out of his mouth. Husband is called over to remove said disgusting object as the lady of the house isn't going to touch the filthy thing. I'm guessing hubby doesn't get much in the way of jiggy time. He calls dog over, dog remains seated wagging its tail, Hubby approaches dog, wife still protesting, dog is having none of it and starts to growl, "Get yer own feckin cock, this one's mine" and a tug of war starts over the rubber appendage. Dog wins and runs round the back of the house. Sadly out of sight and no doubt to sit and have a chew of his new boner.

A few others in the street heard of the event and there have been tears of laughter when I revealed who had provided the offending article.

Go on, admit it you buried it yonks ago and forgot all about it.

 

[Drlligaf]

Morning @PFGEN,
Coincidentally, got sent this today.
View attachment 672784

Double ended! F**k me, er cancel that.

 

[Lardbeast]

in an entirely unrelated matter one of these (an item I happen to carry in the car, and on the bike for assisting those in need)
View attachment 672565

can damage these

View attachment 672566

Company called Solo Scientific makes this glass breaker/kubotan.

 

[theoriginalphantom]

Company called Solo Scientific makes this glass breaker/kubotan.

My old auto centre punch was good for breaking car windows. Used purely at RTIs

 

[CharleyBourne]

Morning @PFGEN,
Coincidentally, got sent this today.
View attachment 672784

"I found this boss. It looks like a sausage but smells of fish".

 

[Londo]

"I found this boss. It looks like a sausage but smells of fish".

and the taste ?

 

[CrashTestDummy]

and the taste ?

Rubbery

 

[Tool]

Rubbery

"I tell Chef. He be velly happy."

 

[CrashTestDummy]

"I tell Chef. He be velly happy."

I set 'em up...

 

[PFGEN]

Morning @PFGEN,
Coincidentally, got sent this today.
View attachment 672784

Had it looked like that I would have known immediately which doorbell to ring. Hence unlikely that they would have tossed it into the garden. The one that had been tossed had a considerable set of clock weights. No point sending pictures as they're beyond that but certainly fine neighbours and their dog doesn't look like that one.

 

[CharleyBourne]

Morning @PFGEN,
Coincidentally, got sent this today.
View attachment 672784

Is that a sausage dog?

 

[CharleyBourne]

.

I set 'em up...

Others cock 'em down.

 

[PlasticCabDriver]

It did occur to me this was a complete mong who thought it was OK to follow a car with full beam on, but should dip lights for oncoming traffic. Or been told "dip lights for oncoming traffic" and taken that literally. Strange logic, but who knows the thought processes of these creatures?

I thought someone being aggressive would also be tailgating and generally driving like a tw@t, but that wasn't the case here.

Mrs PCD has a Kia with the autodip lights. They work really well. Except she doesn’t use them any more as “they don’t work properly” and she doesn’t trust them. The reason? On one single occasion, when she was close behind a lorry with an unusual arrangement of lights on the back, they started dipping and undipping randomly. Other than that, flawless.

Any amount of “has it done it at any other time in the last 5 years?”, or “ perhaps the unusual lights on that one lorry, on that one occasion, was just a one off?” falls on deaf ears.

She is incredibly clever as well, sometimes I despair.

 

[CrashTestDummy]

Mrs PCD has a Kia with the autodip lights. They work really well. Except she doesn’t use them any more as “they don’t work properly” and she doesn’t trust them. The reason? On one single occasion, when she was close behind a lorry with an unusual arrangement of lights on the back, they started dipping and undipping randomly. Other than that, flawless.

Any amount of “has it done it at any other time in the last 5 years?”, or “ perhaps the unusual lights on that one lorry, on that one occasion, was just a one off?” falls on deaf ears.

She is incredibly clever as well, sometimes I despair.

She married a crab, she's clearly not as bright as you make out.

 

[LouisetheSleaz]

Only if they can see them. I know where they are, you, if inside my house uninvited would be on the floor crying. I may be daft, but I'm not stupid.

Fair point.

 

[PlasticCabDriver]

She married a crab, she's clearly not as bright as you make out.

She was also a crab!

 

[whiffler]

She was also a crab!

Double indemnity