The Emperor Mongs Pronouncements

They'll never catch on , just a flash in the pan
I've been working in the computer industry for over 20 years now. I know full well what the impact of mobile phones/tablets on people has been. It's mainly because the OS/app touchscreen UI is a load of garbage. Give me a PC/laptop and my old mechanical keyboard and I can type faster and with less errors than any average tablet/mobile phone user.

The bane of office IT today is the fact that "computer literate" these days means someone can use their mobile phone or tablet. Gone are the days when jobs required people with skills in using Word/Excel/office packages and computers in general.

It's why I have financial people constantly calling me up asking me how to do basic stuff like create pivot tables in Excel and why most of them get frustrated and enter company data on external websites that have online spreadsheets that they simply type data into the fields and have it automatically generate fancy graphs for them (true story).
 
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Pepper spray (OC) washes out quite easily. The bastard stuff is CS and CN as it's crystalline and gets right into the fabric and any seams.

Bit of moisture from sweat or humidity and it's itchy bottoms all round.
Once upon a time in a land far away, a ******** nig hung up his NBC suit after respirator testing in the drying room of our block. Next to my washing, so I had to do it all again.

His NBC suit somehow went missing.

He found it in the winter in between his radiator and the wall. By which time his room stunk of it.
 
One should always endeavor to spell correctly, and to take the time to check your spelling before you send an electronic message
of course so many young people are so busy with their lives that they fail to follow the basic guidelines
( I am so glad this stuff was not around when I was a youth)
some of the comments make for interesting reading

Another I want my 15 mins
Position would be the default word
 
Another car caper influenced by the Emperor (PBUH).

Dan, Dan, the dash cam scam.

When questioned by police, Daniel Keenan apologised for the scam, admitting the Polo was his car but he was not driving it at the time.
He was sentenced to a 12-month community order with 80 hours of community service at Iner London crown court on Monday.
 
When questioned by police, Daniel Keenan apologised for the scam, admitting the Polo was his car but he was not driving it at the time.
He was sentenced to a 12-month community order with 80 hours of community service at Iner London crown court on Monday.
Sentence AKA its not really a crime so no custodial and try not to get caught next time. What message are we sending scrots when they get caught for £20k plus fraud but we don't jail them?
 
Sentence AKA its not really a crime so no custodial and try not to get caught next time. What message are we sending scrots when they get caught for £20k plus fraud but we don't jail them?
Good job it wasn't for school fees
 

Blogg

LE
"Your Devine Mongness, we have a problem: The Scottish, Welsh, plus sundry others all want to break away from the Union!

What shall we do to convince them otherwise?"

"Easy, my gullible buffoon. Here, make this so at one"

"I obey....."

 

Kirkz

LE
Psst, here Asif, just park your car over there mate, it'll be safe and sound while you play crickit with your local team...
Thanks muchly O purple robed one.
 
The Emperor has been hanging around my neck of the woods a fair bit lately. I've just been asked to pull some security footage from one of our dealerships from an incident this morning.

A truck driver pulled up at one of our dealerships this morning with a fully loaded car carrier ready to drop off some cars. He's managed to get the car on the back of the lower ramps off, but appeared to be having trouble with the piston that lowers the top ramp. He wiggles it up and down a couple of times, but can't seem to get it to retract.

It only happens in a single frame, but the Emperor appears in a puff of purple smoke and whispers in his ear "It's a air driven piston, why not just pull the air line for it and it will go down!"

This driver obviously thought it was a great idea, and so goes around to the back of the truck to pull the air line for that piston. Dunno if he needed glasses or something, but it looks like he messed up and pull the air line for the air brakes.

He's known straight away he's buggered up and managed to run around the back of the truck to the cab as it started to roll backwards, tries valiantly to jump in the cab only to get knocked out of the way midjump by the open door and sent sprawling on the ground, leaving a loaded car carrier rolling down the hill and into one of our showrooms and all the cars parked in the front of it.

Luckily, everyone in and around the showroom saw the truck hurtling towards them and managed to run out of the way, with no injuries. However we've got 8 cars written off, and the front of the showroom smashed in.

Unless someone else in the company posts to youtube in the mean time, I'll probably post the footage once the police investigation is over (even though the local police have been taking the piss out of it on their facebook page already).

View attachment 582389
An update on this incident. The Emperor really hit the jackpot with this bloke.

Today, we found this bloke wasn't picking up or delivering anything to us. There is another car yard across a major road from us that doesn't have decent truck access. It turns out this driver has been parking his truck and unloading the cars in our lot, driving across the major road (illegal as these cars were unregistered without drive plates on them) for a few years now. We discovered this when the insurance company called up asking why our cars were damaged when the delivery was for across the road. They initially thought the truck had rolled from their lot and across the road into our lot.

As an added bonus, it's been less than a week that this guy had been driving a double decker car carrier. He had only been driving single decker car carriers up until four days before the incident, and never had to deal with the hydraulics used in double deckers before.

Anyhoo, I had to drive to the site this incident occurred at earlier today. Here's seven of the eight cars that were damaged.

1.jpg
2.jpg
 
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This morning I noticed the screen washer on the car was a bit weak.
Cue purple robed assistance...
' go on, this is a simple fix, do it now, or you'll forget it'
' but it looks like rain...'
'You'll be OK for 5 minutes.'
So, up goes bonnet, disconnect spray tomcats, put into sonic cleaner, reattach pipes and job jobbed.
EM is not happy.
'So, why did they clog in the first place? Better check the bottle.:
Thanks mong, it is indeed a bit grubby.
So, open garage, grab 10mm socket, detach wires from pump, disconnect bottle and take inside to clean it.
'While you are at it, take the pump off and give it s rinse.,'
Righto, emp.
Reassemble, refit, and Bob is your... Oh bollocks, water leaking where I had not reseated the pump properly.
take off bottle again.
Disassemble, fix.
Back under the bonnet when... Oh **** it is raining. Torrentially
Hastily tighten bolt, reconnect hose and wire... Oh look, guess who left the window open so he could simply lean in and work the squirt lever....
Seat saturated.
Window up, bonnet down, collect tools, back into garage. Close garage doo...FCUK, a gallon of water all over me.
What is that sulphurous smell?
 
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