The Emperor Mongs Pronouncements



It is three o'clock in the morning, and you have just come off stag. It is snowing and you are freezing and knackered. You get into your gonk bag and try to zip it up, but it gets stuck half way. You know you should try and free the zip, but a small voice in your head says, "You don't need to do up the zip! You will be quite warm enough. Just go to sleep!" This is the Emperor Mong speaking, one of the strongest and cruellest rulers in the universe. Needless to say, twenty minutes after you go to sleep you wake up freezing cold, and can't sleep for the rest of the night.

Over the years, The Emperor's pronouncements have made me make some of the most mongy decisions known to man: the worst has to be the time I went on a five day exped with no gas for my cooker, as he told me there would be loads of places to buy it (there wasn't, and I ate cold compo).

So, lets have it- what has The Emperor (and his pet Crow 'Mode') made you do?


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I remember The Emperor

"Its only a 24 hr OP, you don't need waterproofs"
"No don't worry the CQMS will have loads of fags"
"Don't worry about that noise, Its only the engine, It'll go away, turn the stereo up"

Hes a lying cnut


"You'll see something you recognise on the map soon, just press on..."

"We're nowhere near the border..."

B*stard that he is.
I've had the wee sod advising me for years (unpaid). One of his best moments was when he told me that I would only need one roll of bogpaper for a week-long excursion into the beauties of the Sudd. He also said that a spare half-shaft for the Land-Rover was space which could be taken up by Castle Lager; mind you he was right on that.
On a freezing cold day with my gas cannister all but empty, I hit upon a Great Idea.

Physics, Combined Gas Law, right? Small volume of gas with low pressure, I can juldi the flame up a bit by heating the cannister. My mukker is a devotee of hexy...

I can tell you're there ahead of me. As was he as I dived in to the shell scrape. Luckily his dive knocked his stove over and the cannister rolled away form the flame before natural selection could run its course.
Ah yes, I remember his "Don't bother stopping to tighten your laces, you're in far too much of a hurry", as well as "It's only a fart, let it out".

He's a bastard!


War Hero
EM: "Don't worry, you've been through here before, just in the opposite direction, that's why you can't quite place it."

T_T: "Your word is my command, oh dark overlord."

EM: "A week after it's use by date? Does it smell alright? It'll be fine"

T_T: :puker:


War Hero
"If you do this short-notice det, they'll give you a good one in turn"

The Emperor - you cnut!


"Don't worry Duke - If you just roll over and ignore it, that sensation from your bladder the size of a space hopper will go away. You will then be able to enjoy a full and restfull nights sleep. There will definately not be the need for you to get up in agony in a short while having stayed awake while trying to ignore it"
A Phal is only another curry, don't worry the beer will water the taste down enough.

It's only a short abseil, you wont need gloves for that.

He really is a tw@ that bloke :)


Book Reviewer
How far now?

"MY SON, IT'S ONLY THIS FAR ON A MAP" [pinches fingers together]

The cnut didn't say it was 1:1,000,000 scale map, of another country.

Utter, utter barstuard.


Book Reviewer
"There'll be plenty of time to sort your admin out later. Have another pint..."

So he's not all bad!


Book Reviewer
The esteemed Emperor also gave me the advice I've governed my military career on:

"Aah, cuff it, you'll probably get away with it"

Top man.
If I get really minging and make an utter of myself in front of London District Mess Guests it will be laughed off as high spirits on Mondoy morning.

Cheers Emperor, you twot.


his imperial majesty stated that it would be a quiet and dry night and that we wouldnt need to bring our poncho's.

he needs a well placed size 8 into the collection of soft dangly items hanging between his legs as we lay in our bivi bags under a tree soaked to the skin..barsteward
"Don't worry, thats double glazed. Just bang your fist in it to get there attention."

One from my childhood playing on the biulding site behind my mates house.

"That concrete is definatly set. And even if it isn't set it certainly isn't three feet deep"

He needs a shoeing that bloke.


War Hero
"It's Belize, for God's sake, it's in the tropics, a sleeping bag is not required, just take a thin woolen blanket and fill the extra space with food"

Oh how I laughed as I sat in my hammock juddering with cold for 4 weeks.