The E-Ring vs Main Building

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by crabtastic, Sep 22, 2005.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Just wasted the last hour watching NBC's brand new, "hard-hitting" military drama, produced by Jerry Bruckheimer (he of Top Gun, Crimson Tide and Blackhawk Down fame).

    "What is the latest venue for M. Bruckheimer's latest armed, patriotic and dangerous tour de force?" I hear you cry. Well folks, that place is The Pentagon. :roll: Ladies and Gentleman, I give you The E-Ring. A no-holds barred, gritty portrayal of life inside the 5-sided wind tunnel on the Potomac.

    Needless to say, the show is a bag'o'shite. It has all the usual inaccuracies that provide much merriment for people who know better. For example- a US submarine infitrating Chinese waters by cunningly sailing on the surface; far too many flatscreen tvs and blinking lights in a situation room; a Col's office at the Pentagon being the size of a squash court; and every ops room has a shiny metal theme reminicent of Buck Rogers in the 25th Centruy etc. 'Shanghai' looks eerily like LA's Chinatown, complete with Yoshinoya (West Coast McJapanese food chain) and the ERV for the secret agent they are supposed to be rescuing is the Korean Friendship Bell in San Pedro. Furthermore, the dialogue is crap and the plot line is completely implausible. I'm going to give it 5 weeks until it gets cancelled. (And only that long because Dennis Hopper is in it. Incidentally, his character's salad bar is bigger than that found in a Ponderosa. In addition he wears a Combat Inf badge, pilot's wings, 'idiot sticks' (despite the fact that he's supposed to be SF), jump wings and what looks like a Gold Blue Peter Badge.)

    I think we Brits can do much a much better job of portraying things as they really are. I submit that we good members of Arrse should get our heads together and come up with a pitch for a show called 'Main Building'. Let's show these Spams what life is like at the action-packed headquarters of the World's premier fighting force. The first thing we need to do is come up with some characters and storylines. Any ideas?

    Attached Files:

  2. Crabby seems to know what is wrong in TV drama world. Surely he should be the one to write a new block-buster. Something about a critic hath no value in his own country perhaps?

  3. What you mean like ultimate force and soldier soldier???? 8O
  4. I haven't been there for a while, all I remember is the escalators and the green paint everywhere. From memory, the main characters should be:

    Colonel Jonty "Jonty" Jones, PARA (it's the telly, right?)

    Jonty is a weather-beaten, good-looking man who never made it any higher than colonel because he is a man of action, a rugged roister-doisterer and a drunken cnut. When not in charge of the catering committee and the fire escape evacuation plan he tells the birds in the canteen that he is running special ops out of Dirka Dirkastan. He often has whsiky-sodden flashbacks to the time he was caught in bed with his CSMs wife in Tidworth, as well as the incident with the cat, a shotgun and a skip lorry in Larne in '86.

    Major Tim Thrust, Royal Loamshire Bayoneteers (Tony Blair's Rifles)

    Tim always wears combat gear, even in the Walkabout near Temple tube station. This is festooned with badges that show how utterly hard he is. He is TOTALLY HETEROSEXUAL, OK!! Tim has just returned from Dirka Dirkastan but has flashbacks to his prep school in Dorset, where he was known as "Crumpet Boy." He is currently working on a tip-top secret initiative exploring the use of different cooking oils in MoD catering establishments.

    Squadron Leader Emma Phwoarrrr! RAF

    Emma is the RAFs top combat pilot, but has been grounded because she was accused of strafing a Fox TV crew in Dirka Dirkastan, something that is obviously blatant sexism. She makes that brunette off of JAG look like a school dinner lady, and wanders around in a black cocktail dress at all times. She is the field operative for Tim's cooking oil project. The unresloved sexual tension between them is curious; she's up for it but he for some reason isn't. Hmmm.


    I'm sure other people can add to the list of exciting characters for our TV show. The first episode should revolve around incompetence and corruption in MoD cooking oil procurement which means that Our Boys in Dirka Dirkastan haven't had nay chips for a month. Jonty, Tim and Emma run a SF mission to fly in five tonnes of McCain's oven chips.

  5. It's already been done (sort of). "Our Brave Boys" aired on radio 4 over the last three or so years and starred among others Martin Jarvis and Peter Capaldi. It covered topics such as Blue Circle radar for Eurofighter, travel warrants, the future of tanks and the Nelson/Trafalgar celebrations. Gripping stuff.

  6. Professor Pat Pending MSc PhD ArRSe

    Token civvie boffin on attachment from Dstl. Waffles excitedly about the benefits of a spray-on teflon coating as an alternative to IPE, and the ability to reduce the vulnerability of AFVs to RPGs by making them out of cardboard.

    Really admires the ruddy-faced servicemen (and women) he works with, and often wishes he could be out there with them in Dirka Dirkastan where the the Health and Safety Executive wouldn't be able to persecute him for gassing locals.

    Whilst appearing superficially to be dull and isoteric, he is generally the comic prop for any episode, which usually end with one of his gadgets exploding in Brigadier Pinzguaer Chard-Bromhead's face.

    Has worked at main building so long, simply because he cannot find his was out of second floor, Spine B.

    Brigadier Pinzguaer Chard-Bromhead OBE

    Brigadier 'Pinz' (as he is known to all) holds the position of DEC(BRS) (Bombs&rockets&stuff). He was commissioned into the the Royal Pioneer Corps in 1949 (rumour has it he only got in through the 'old boy' network) and transferred to the elite Special Consumables & Stationary Dispatch Squadron in Aden, where he was wounded by an improperly packaged tin of bras-coated thumb tacks.

    After vowing he would never work with office stationary again, he was forced to confront his demons by diffusing an Improvised Label Writer planted by a fundamentalist ISO9001 group in a school classroom.

    Has worked in the EC branch for many years, and was partly repsonsible for ensuring the sucess of key ground-breaking programmes such as SA80 (which he originally concieved as a muzzle-loader), Saxon (which was inspired by his dog's kenel) and Bowman (which frankly confused him).

    Won his OBE for increasing the life of the green fleet by 300 years, through the use of the 'chart wizard' in excel.
  7. No, apparently the entire point of this new show is to show how 'hardcore' life in the Pentagon itself is. The front line stuff seems to be almost incidental. Surely everyone in HM Armed Forces knows that when you want excitement and adventure, Main Building, with the cut and thrust of bureaucratic politics and pitched battles over the last box of paper clips and who has the best Powerpoint presentations ,is the place to be. :wink:
  8. Outstanding. :lol:
  9. Captain Oliver "Ollie" Stevens

    A determined and driven young thurster who is determined to forge his way to the top. He has had a mildly successful career at Regimental Duty and is now relishing the chance to impress the top brass at Main Building. Devious and underhand, he is prepared to trample over anyone (of the same or lesser rank) to get noticed.

    Well skilled at sweeping up and brew making, he is renowned for offering de-caf and chocolate buscuits to all those above him. He has embarked on a crusade against some of his peers and rivals who he thinks are G3 snobs who fail to understand the importance of generating paperwork. Has a suspicion that certain junior staff officers are misusing post-it notes and is detremined to bring them down.

    He tries too hard, almost certainly to cover-up his shameful secret; coming in the bottom third at Sandhurst.

  10. i've just spat Mountain Dew everywhere, and it really stings when it sprays out of your nose.