The Dog Sh-it Detectives

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, Jan 26, 2006.

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  1. I was out and about on site yesterday.

    We were fixing a microwave link at a site near Kendal called Scar Quarry.

    As is always the case, we'd done our bit and we were waiting for the lads at the other end to sort themselves out so we could check it out end to end.
    So that left us sort of dangling about at 40 metres with fcuk all to do except chat about this that and the other. The lad I was with is a very funny, ex booty, so the conversation was of a NAAFI bar style.

    Whilst we were up there we started to notice how many dog walkers were turning up. They were parking up in the car park and scooting in to the woods. Their dogs were doing sh-its everywhere and then they were just getting back in their cars and fcuking off. The area is covered in deciduous trees which meant we could see right down to the deck. The dog walkers would do their standard, furtive look around as their dogs were curling out, before hot-footing it out of there like Barrymore's pool cleaner. Of course, they didn't think to look up.

    It gave us a good hour of fun. We'd wait until the dog had done his log and confirm that the dirty c-unt walking it, was not going to pick the sh-ite up, then both shout down the tower in our loudest voices.


    Panic ensues on the deck, with the bloke thinking God's having a word or something. Eventually he'd twig and look up the mast to find us going:


    We got 10 people in an hour. The cu-nts would then get their placcy bags out and pick the turd up, like they were going to do that all along.

    I was quite surprised that none of them just gave us the v's and bogged off. Mind you, I did have a bag full of M18 nuts, and a silly bobble hat won't stop one of those tw-ats.
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  2. Pre divorce I was having a particularly bad day and decided to take my Dads dog (the one I later allowed off the lead and under the wheels of a passing car) for a run.....

    Throwing a stick and having ‘The Thing’, rat with tail, Yorkshire Terrier sort, dragging it back I spied a couple walking hand in hand grazing lovingly into each other eyes, the b'astards! Happy couples really get up my nose even now; then I’d have happily done a Lizzie Borden turn on them both!

    Watched them for a while, spitting venom and throwing stick to vent rage I saw their dog squat down and shit, they continued to gaze lovingly, dog continued to shit.....

    Slowly, lovingly they began to walk off....

    I bounded over to the nearest fresh heap and grabbed it up into my little bag, expectantly held in my gloved hand, and ran over to the loving couple shouting 'Hey mate!!' the guy turned round as I got to within a few foot of him I grabbed his hand and slapped the warm and soft mass contained in the bag into his palm, 'Your dog dropped this!'

    Heard retching as I walked away..... Didn't look back, I wanted to remember that loving gaze..... :lol:

    Beebs x
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  3. Note to self.....take black widow catapult and ball bearings when walking dogs :)

    It's fair entertainment CC and I like your style, but I have to say that as a very responsible dog owner who cleans up after his horde I probably, nay, definately wouldn't bother in a wood unless one of them had managed to go in the centre of a footpath (or it was a leisure park etc). Am I being unreasonable ? If so I really need to get over to Kielder sharpish and start making amends.
  4. Why can I smell Dogsh1t, while sat at my desk? Beebs, you're filthy (and not in the horny way).
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  5. I despise dog egg with a pathalogical hatred.
    When I see a dog adopting the 'Tyne Bridge' position and just buggering off, I want fill the owner in and make them eat the cack.
    My entire childhood was spent wretching wilst scraping dog cack off my shoes onto grass clumps, I even trod in it bare foot once.
    These days I normally discover that there's dog log on my shoes once I get in the car and it's too late because there is toffee all over the carpet. I then have to spent the journey with my head out of the window with slobber trailing from my gob. Quite ironic really.
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  6. Stabby you sweet talker you! :D

  7. It was a place where other people walk. Dogs are smart, teach it to sh-it in your own garden.
  8. To say I trampled the odd dog turd around the house when a child would be an understatement, however I do notice that dog turds are getting more "wholesome" and human like these days. There is a distinct lack of them "Luminous" white oderless chalky type toe breakers that were collected as trophys and traded for football cards by some of the poorer kid's.

    Maybe if dogs were fed more bones and scraps instead of M&S luxury dogfood there would be a lower calibre of stool on the streets.

    Another useful tip to dog owners that decline picking up there "Bakers" eggs is to give the dog a cylume to chew after feeding, this then ensures pedestrians will see the glow of "Turd minefields" from a safe distance, The glow lasting for the golden 24 hrs that it takes for a "Busker" to touch dry.
  9. I'm with you Pocoyo on this....

    I'll always pick up after the Spaniel in town or in a park..... But a field or wood? No way, I'm a country boy and feel the country needs poo everywhere to disuade Townies from visiting too much.

    You don't see farmers going round after their cows do you?

    But I do try and flick said coiled log out of the path/track if he does it there...

    Reminds me of a time when said Spaniel curled a loose one (like Mr Whippy) right in the middle of the path. I found a stick and proceded to try and flick it into the bushes. Suffice to say that (between retches) I managed to get 99% of it but the stick was pretty much covered so I couldn't use it for throwing. But the Mutt had better ideas. He grabbed it and galloped off down the path and nearly ran headlong into an elderly couple who appeared around the bend.

    As they got a bit closer, the old lady suddenly bent over and hurled into the undergrowth beside the path. Her husband then proceded to comfort her and get her hair out of the way, but very quickly also started retching.

    I thought I'd have to start putting my ITD First Aid lessons into practice, but as I got closer I realised that my Spaniel had run past them and wiped the shitty stick all down the ladies legs, leaving a smear of '99 with added flake' that truly reeked.

    I hurridly turned 90 degrees left and handrailed the path, but I swear, for about 50 meters, I could still smell the women 'Off Gassing' with that special doggy smell.
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  10. ... but if everyone cleaned up after their dogs you'll never again see the humourous streaks that trace the footsteps of the unfortunate who have tread in a large Chod. The larger the Chod the longer the poo trail. Often I have felt tempted to track one until it's final destination (I presume a ruined patch of grass, or a befowled kerbside where the protagonist has scrapped his undersole).
  11. I have often thought how funny it would be to follow a dogsh-it vandal home.

    When they're turning the key in the door, i'd give them a quick whistle. They would turn round to find me with my bare arse hanging over the garden wall. I would be proceeding to unload my stealth curry on to their lawn. This seems like a fair one to me.

    You can teach 'em to catch balls and you can teach 'em to stand still so teach 'em to shi-t in your garden. Either that, or stick them in a big fcuking nappy. Do whatever you want, but don't let them sh-it where other people walk. If you do your a dirty c-unt, end of. When I had a dog, I had it taught right .Whenever it needed a sh-it when we were out walking, I had it trained to stand on it's back legs, hopping from one to the other, whilst pointing towards its arrse with a forepaw. I would then quickly grab my entrenching tool and dig a small hole. Tosho would then do his business in the hole whilst I kept guard and we'd backfill together when he was finished. He was a great dog. He was so well trained, he used to jam his arrse cheeks between railings, so he could achieve full splay, to ensure none of the shi-t stuck to his exceedingly hairy, dog ricker.
  12. If I had a dog, I'd encourage it to sh*t on the pavements, seeing as it upsets so many of you.

    In fact, I think I'll go and buy a dog this week.
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  13. It's a small world. I too had an incredibly well trained dog.
    Although it wasn't always the case and at first he would dung willy nilly and be generally uncontrollable. So one weekend I trained him with a cricket bat that had 8 inch nails hammered through the end.
    After that he was so tame he never moved.
  14. Don't go to the trouble of blowing your coin, mate.

    Why not do the sh-itting yourself? Stepping in a dogsh-it is bad enough, but dunking your toes into human Uncle Peter is the worlds worst foot experience.

    Removing a piece of browned sweetcorn from a walking boot tread would be a dubious pleasure indeed. Especially if you started thinking 'God, that still looks edible.'
  15. :D I'm fukcing sat here crying. The NAAFI is back on form fella.