The DaSquaddie Code

Discussion in 'Now That's What I Call NAAFI Bar' started by convoy_cock, Mar 27, 2006.

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  1. I was having a chat with someone the other day about that Da Vinci code book and expounded my theory, perhaps a slightly contentious one, that Jesus invented Christianity to skive a bit during basic training.

    I've read a lot of historic articles and made a point of following traditional religious thinking, by putting two and two together and getting fifteen.

    For those holy rollers amongs the larger arrse congregation, don't dismiss my theory out of hand.

    At the time Jesus went through basic, the predominant faith was that of the Hebrew. Apparently, this really fcuked up Sundays for everyone, so the boy Jesus came up with a scheme, whilst he was doing a 7 day stretch at the Galilee pokey for not shaving. In a move later followed by L Ron Hubbard, Jesus dreamt up his new religion then squeezed it past the Pharisees at a Squadron do. Within a couple of weeks, Jesus was up the block drinking hibiscus tea, whilst all the Jews had to push out the prayer till well into the afternoon.

    I have established through extensive research that the 12 apostles were a gang of disgruntled trainee REME fitters, who followed their 'fisher of men' solely so that they could wa-nk themselves daft with no fear of being caught.

    It's a lot to take in, I know, so i'll leave it for now, but I ask you to consider a couple of things.

    40 days in the wilderness. Is it such a stretch of credulity to acknowledge that this equates to a five and a half week stretch in the nick. It was well known that Jesus had a temper, particularly after Grolsch. The elders in his squadron were notorious wind up merchants, and a snapper like Hay-soose would be in and out of the guardroom all the time.

    The resurrection - Jesus dies. Three days later they go to check on him and find that he has disappeared. This phenomenon has been repeated down the years by all Jesus' followers in basic. How many times have you took the recruits round areas in the morning, only to find that each time you turn round, one of their number has mysteriously vanished. A direct correlation, I would suggest.

    I would be very interested to hear if any other arrsers have had similar thoughts about the origins of Christianity. Examples of biblical references to contemporary squaddie life are especially welcome.
  2. There is the one bit in the bible that always had me wondering.

    So he was at a primitive pis* up and went missing when he was supposed to leave. Three days later he is found sitting with the instructors bullshiting them with bone questions and spouting his own version of how it should be done.

    The last line is very telling "Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers".

    Every one now thinks that amazed means "To affect with great wonder; astonish"
    Wereas the meaning at the time was "To bewilder; perplex"

    How many sprogs have bewildered and perplexed you with their "understanding and answers"??

    CC I think you may be on to something here.
    The case is not yet proven but the evidence stacks up.
  3. Dont forget he hung around with Mary Magdelene, known hooker and women of loose affection. Squaddie written all over him
  4. Jesus rose after three days "dead" following crucified. As a biblical scholar and ordained minister ($45 by internet) I think I can divine the hidden meaning clearly. He had been on an FTX probably involving a lot of beastings and heavy phys (hence he was crucified). He then is "dead" to the world for three days...come on think about it; his unit obviously got a 72 hour long weekend once they had finished debogging the kit, done last parades et cetera. He spent his on the lash, hence "dead" to the world and people were amazed to see him rise from the dead for detatchments front on the first day back at work. As for his immediate ascension into heaven, he had decided to sign off before going on the FTX and so he was allowed to ascend into Civvy Strasse...yes he was indeed a member of the Galillee Fusiliers!
  5. This theory has secretly been gathering momentum amongst Padres for years.
    I had a deep conversation with my last padre and we came to the following conclusions.

    1. The feeding of the 5 thousand. This has 2 theories. Firstly JC was well on top of his MOEs and after a night on the screech he used to break into the cookhouse with his oppos and thus provide them with a slap up feed. Or Secondly At the end of the Month Jesus raided his Jew Jar to get a growler from the vendors. Unfortunately the vendor jammed so he went rhino and smashed it up, thus leaving the ginsters paradise available for all.

    2. Walking on water. This one is simple. Jesus gets his lance jack tape and his own bunk. One night after doing a crate of wobbly, he lags his room up to such an extent that even the super absorbant army carpets give up the ghost and cannot hold anymore moisture, so there was a one inch deep swamp puddle covering his entire room. Thus when the deciples go to dig him out of his pit for sunday brunch, JC appears to be walking on aqua.

    3. Lazarus. Jesus and lazarus on on the waz, lazarus is gobbing off to the big man about how JC hasn't really served coz he's never been on panzers. Jesus flips and windmills into lazarus, calling him a 'Hat bsatard'. Lazarus goes down like a sack of sh1t, and the monkeys come across JC doing 15-2 CPR. Jesus being a bit quick off the mark despite having a skin full invents a hugely elaborate story about raising his buddy from the dead and the monkeys swallow it.
  6. Don't get me wrong, Jesus is the Son of God, The Messiah and all round great bloke. I'd like to shake his hand.

    However, there is no way he was a squaddie.

    1. He was living in a shell-scrape in the desert. The Devil tempts him with scoff, drink and all that and what does he do? He turns it down. Any fool can be uncomfortable, especially a six-foot squaddie in a five-foot eight '58 pattern dossbag.

    2. He lets an Italian infantryman stab him up with a spear and he just forgives him. That might be nails in a Christian theological context, but in reality a squaddie would have jumped down and, at the very least, nutted him.
  7. There is overwhelming evidence to suggest that JC was Airbourne. All those references to Skygods, HALO and "brotherly love" he was clearly mortars. I'm not suggesting for one moment that he was a cupcake though, after all, you're not a poof unless you make eye contact, use each others christian names or push back.
  8. Sorry Veg but your own examples just show the truth.

    So you are in a shell scrape and a Crab offers you all the good stuff but the hook was that you would have to PVR and re join as a blue job. Would any self respecting Tom do such a thing?

    Do you have any idea what happened to that Itie later? Come on JC was being watched very carefully by the headshed at the time of the alleged spear incident. Of course he said " No worries. Knew it was an accident no hard feelings Guissepi". You will notice that no where in the bible does it mention what happened after JC reappeared after his 3 days being dead...
  9. ..and he was stitched up by 4321 pte Judus, who had only been in his section 5 minutes before running to the WRVS lady crying.
  10. Of course he was a squaddie! The Romans sent a whole Cohort (rough equivalent to a modern Battalion) to arrest HIM and HIS mates.

    500 Waps v 1 Brit Squaddie and 12 Hippies. About right! :lol
  11. Examples of the startlingly squaddie like attributes that Jesus demonstrated permeate the new testament. Take for instance, Chapter 18 of the Gospel according to St Matthew, which Matthew swears is 'fcuking gospel'
    At that time the disciples approached Jesus and said, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"
    He called a child over, placed it in their midst,
    and said, "Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. You've got no fcuking chance.
    Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
    And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.
    "Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. And verily, after the millstone hanging, we will bringeth out the bass brooms and rub the fcuk out of his back. This is the will of the lord.

    Here we see an explicit command to his disciples, to behave like big kids. It's unclear, but it appears that Jesus was on the back end of an all dayer at this point, as his threats of violence illustrate. Matthews take on the scene was a little shaky, as he'd had a 'bad pint'.
  12. Hmmm, yes. I believe this 'bad pint' phonomenon was prolific back in the 0030s and that Ancient Aramaic brewing techniques were on a par with Belikin. Apparently JC took the boys on a brewery trip to one such establishment in the hills outside Jerusalem. It was rumoured that the 'Mountain Jew' brewery knocked out some real wrecking kit, and it came to pass that in the days following this biblical lash up, a 'bad pint' induced halucination coupled with watching a bit too much of 'Platoon' led to the writing of revelations.
  13. Matthew 21:12

    Jesus entered into the temple of God, and drove out all of those who sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the money changers' tables and the seats of those who sold the doves. (WEB)

    And Jesus entered into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of he money-changers, and the seats of them that sold the doves; (ASV)

    And Jesus went into the Temple and sent out all who were trading there, overturning the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those trading in doves. (BBE)

    Clearly the APC were scr*wing around with his pay as well!
  14. Pte Judas was presumably destined for the Roman Logistic Corps, and was found hanged whilst stagging on during phase 2 training. Many people at the time thought he had killed himself, but the fact that he was found with his bowels hanging out has led others to believe that there is more to the story.
  15. Matthew 24552112, Sir!

    Jesus went up into the NAAFI and saw the price of Mars bars and dodgy own-brand cola and he was wrath; he overthrew the tables of the NAAFI car sales financiers and the seats of them that sold life and kit insurance. (QRSV*)

    (Queens Regs, Standard Version)