The DaSquaddie Code

#1
I was having a chat with someone the other day about that Da Vinci code book and expounded my theory, perhaps a slightly contentious one, that Jesus invented Christianity to skive a bit during basic training.

I've read a lot of historic articles and made a point of following traditional religious thinking, by putting two and two together and getting fifteen.

For those holy rollers amongs the larger arrse congregation, don't dismiss my theory out of hand.

At the time Jesus went through basic, the predominant faith was that of the Hebrew. Apparently, this really fcuked up Sundays for everyone, so the boy Jesus came up with a scheme, whilst he was doing a 7 day stretch at the Galilee pokey for not shaving. In a move later followed by L Ron Hubbard, Jesus dreamt up his new religion then squeezed it past the Pharisees at a Squadron do. Within a couple of weeks, Jesus was up the block drinking hibiscus tea, whilst all the Jews had to push out the prayer till well into the afternoon.

I have established through extensive research that the 12 apostles were a gang of disgruntled trainee REME fitters, who followed their 'fisher of men' solely so that they could wa-nk themselves daft with no fear of being caught.

It's a lot to take in, I know, so i'll leave it for now, but I ask you to consider a couple of things.

40 days in the wilderness. Is it such a stretch of credulity to acknowledge that this equates to a five and a half week stretch in the nick. It was well known that Jesus had a temper, particularly after Grolsch. The elders in his squadron were notorious wind up merchants, and a snapper like Hay-soose would be in and out of the guardroom all the time.

The resurrection - Jesus dies. Three days later they go to check on him and find that he has disappeared. This phenomenon has been repeated down the years by all Jesus' followers in basic. How many times have you took the recruits round areas in the morning, only to find that each time you turn round, one of their number has mysteriously vanished. A direct correlation, I would suggest.

I would be very interested to hear if any other arrsers have had similar thoughts about the origins of Christianity. Examples of biblical references to contemporary squaddie life are especially welcome.
 
#2
There is the one bit in the bible that always had me wondering.

After the Feast was over, while his parents were returning home, the boy Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem, but they were unaware of it. [44] Thinking he was in their company, they traveled on for a day. Then they began looking for him among their relatives and friends. [45] When they did not find him, they went back to Jerusalem to look for him. [46] After three days they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. [47] Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers.
So he was at a primitive pis* up and went missing when he was supposed to leave. Three days later he is found sitting with the instructors bullshiting them with bone questions and spouting his own version of how it should be done.

The last line is very telling "Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers".

Every one now thinks that amazed means "To affect with great wonder; astonish"
Wereas the meaning at the time was "To bewilder; perplex"

How many sprogs have bewildered and perplexed you with their "understanding and answers"??

CC I think you may be on to something here.
The case is not yet proven but the evidence stacks up.
 
#3
Dont forget he hung around with Mary Magdelene, known hooker and women of loose affection. Squaddie written all over him
 
#4
Jesus rose after three days "dead" following crucified. As a biblical scholar and ordained minister ($45 by internet) I think I can divine the hidden meaning clearly. He had been on an FTX probably involving a lot of beastings and heavy phys (hence he was crucified). He then is "dead" to the world for three days...come on think about it; his unit obviously got a 72 hour long weekend once they had finished debogging the kit, done last parades et cetera. He spent his on the lash, hence "dead" to the world and people were amazed to see him rise from the dead for detatchments front on the first day back at work. As for his immediate ascension into heaven, he had decided to sign off before going on the FTX and so he was allowed to ascend into Civvy Strasse...yes he was indeed a member of the Galillee Fusiliers!
 
#5
This theory has secretly been gathering momentum amongst Padres for years.
I had a deep conversation with my last padre and we came to the following conclusions.

1. The feeding of the 5 thousand. This has 2 theories. Firstly JC was well on top of his MOEs and after a night on the screech he used to break into the cookhouse with his oppos and thus provide them with a slap up feed. Or Secondly At the end of the Month Jesus raided his Jew Jar to get a growler from the vendors. Unfortunately the vendor jammed so he went rhino and smashed it up, thus leaving the ginsters paradise available for all.

2. Walking on water. This one is simple. Jesus gets his lance jack tape and his own bunk. One night after doing a crate of wobbly, he lags his room up to such an extent that even the super absorbant army carpets give up the ghost and cannot hold anymore moisture, so there was a one inch deep swamp puddle covering his entire room. Thus when the deciples go to dig him out of his pit for sunday brunch, JC appears to be walking on aqua.

3. Lazarus. Jesus and lazarus on on the waz, lazarus is gobbing off to the big man about how JC hasn't really served coz he's never been on panzers. Jesus flips and windmills into lazarus, calling him a 'Hat bsatard'. Lazarus goes down like a sack of sh1t, and the monkeys come across JC doing 15-2 CPR. Jesus being a bit quick off the mark despite having a skin full invents a hugely elaborate story about raising his buddy from the dead and the monkeys swallow it.
 
#6
Don't get me wrong, Jesus is the Son of God, The Messiah and all round great bloke. I'd like to shake his hand.

However, there is no way he was a squaddie.

1. He was living in a shell-scrape in the desert. The Devil tempts him with scoff, drink and all that and what does he do? He turns it down. Any fool can be uncomfortable, especially a six-foot squaddie in a five-foot eight '58 pattern dossbag.

2. He lets an Italian infantryman stab him up with a spear and he just forgives him. That might be nails in a Christian theological context, but in reality a squaddie would have jumped down and, at the very least, nutted him.
 
#7
There is overwhelming evidence to suggest that JC was Airbourne. All those references to Skygods, HALO and "brotherly love" he was clearly mortars. I'm not suggesting for one moment that he was a cupcake though, after all, you're not a poof unless you make eye contact, use each others christian names or push back.
 
#8
Vegetius said:
Don't get me wrong, Jesus is the Son of God, The Messiah and all round great bloke. I'd like to shake his hand.

However, there is no way he was a squaddie.

1. He was living in a shell-scrape in the desert. The Devil tempts him with scoff, drink and all that and what does he do? He turns it down. Any fool can be uncomfortable, especially a six-foot squaddie in a five-foot eight '58 pattern dossbag.

2. He lets an Italian infantryman stab him up with a spear and he just forgives him. That might be nails in a Christian theological context, but in reality a squaddie would have jumped down and, at the very least, nutted him.
Sorry Veg but your own examples just show the truth.

So you are in a shell scrape and a Crab offers you all the good stuff but the hook was that you would have to PVR and re join as a blue job. Would any self respecting Tom do such a thing?

Do you have any idea what happened to that Itie later? Come on JC was being watched very carefully by the headshed at the time of the alleged spear incident. Of course he said " No worries. Knew it was an accident no hard feelings Guissepi". You will notice that no where in the bible does it mention what happened after JC reappeared after his 3 days being dead...
 
#10
Of course he was a squaddie! The Romans sent a whole Cohort (rough equivalent to a modern Battalion) to arrest HIM and HIS mates.

500 Waps v 1 Brit Squaddie and 12 Hippies. About right! :lol
 
#11
Examples of the startlingly squaddie like attributes that Jesus demonstrated permeate the new testament. Take for instance, Chapter 18 of the Gospel according to St Matthew, which Matthew swears is 'fcuking gospel'
At that time the disciples approached Jesus and said, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?"
He called a child over, placed it in their midst,
and said, "Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven. You've got no fcuking chance.
Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
And whoever receives one child such as this in my name receives me.
"Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. And verily, after the millstone hanging, we will bringeth out the bass brooms and rub the fcuk out of his back. This is the will of the lord.

Here we see an explicit command to his disciples, to behave like big kids. It's unclear, but it appears that Jesus was on the back end of an all dayer at this point, as his threats of violence illustrate. Matthews take on the scene was a little shaky, as he'd had a 'bad pint'.
 
#12
convoy_cock said:
. Matthews take on the scene was a little shaky, as he'd had a 'bad pint'.
Hmmm, yes. I believe this 'bad pint' phonomenon was prolific back in the 0030s and that Ancient Aramaic brewing techniques were on a par with Belikin. Apparently JC took the boys on a brewery trip to one such establishment in the hills outside Jerusalem. It was rumoured that the 'Mountain Jew' brewery knocked out some real wrecking kit, and it came to pass that in the days following this biblical lash up, a 'bad pint' induced halucination coupled with watching a bit too much of 'Platoon' led to the writing of revelations.
 
#13
Matthew 21:12


Jesus entered into the temple of God, and drove out all of those who sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the money changers' tables and the seats of those who sold the doves. (WEB)

And Jesus entered into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of he money-changers, and the seats of them that sold the doves; (ASV)

And Jesus went into the Temple and sent out all who were trading there, overturning the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those trading in doves. (BBE)

Clearly the APC were scr*wing around with his pay as well!
 
#14
Vimeiro said:
..and he was stitched up by 4321 pte Judus, who had only been in his section 5 minutes before running to the WRVS lady crying.
Pte Judas was presumably destined for the Roman Logistic Corps, and was found hanged whilst stagging on during phase 2 training. Many people at the time thought he had killed himself, but the fact that he was found with his bowels hanging out has led others to believe that there is more to the story.
 
#15
green_slime said:
Matthew 21:12


Jesus entered into the temple of God, and drove out all of those who sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the money changers' tables and the seats of those who sold the doves. (WEB)

And Jesus entered into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of he money-changers, and the seats of them that sold the doves; (ASV)

And Jesus went into the Temple and sent out all who were trading there, overturning the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those trading in doves. (BBE)

Clearly the APC were scr*wing around with his pay as well!
Matthew 24552112, Sir!

Jesus went up into the NAAFI and saw the price of Mars bars and dodgy own-brand cola and he was wrath; he overthrew the tables of the NAAFI car sales financiers and the seats of them that sold life and kit insurance. (QRSV*)

(Queens Regs, Standard Version)
 
#16
the_rigger said:
1. The feeding of the 5 thousand. This has 2 theories. Firstly JC was well on top of his MOEs and after a night on the screech he used to break into the cookhouse with his oppos and thus provide them with a slap up feed. Or Secondly At the end of the Month Jesus raided his Jew Jar to get a growler from the vendors. Unfortunately the vendor jammed so he went rhino and smashed it up, thus leaving the ginsters paradise available for all.
There is a third theory: Jesus was not a fisherman, but a slop-jockey, and bought the 5 loaves and 2 fishes with the DMR of 2.61 shekels per day. To this day the RLC continue the tradition started by Jesus, with their ritual cry of 'Only one fcuking sausage'.

Earlier in the story, Jesus asks his disciples, who have little food, to feed many men, just as Elisha did.

By this time it was late in the day, so his disciples came to him. "This is a remote place," they said, "and it's already very late. (35)

Send the people away so they can go to the surrounding countryside and villages and buy themselves something to eat." (36)
So there it is, if it wasn't for the cookhouse, they'd all have had to go for a kebab.
 
#17
And JC having fed the thousands decided to bring out a CD of songs,


Songs of Inspiration
and Devotion vol. 1


Celebrate the glory of the Lord with this fine collection of cherished tunes from great Christian artists like Rowdy K Thrup, Lynton Peckinpah III and Raylene Kunt. Praise be! Give thanks to God with this inspiring compendium of uplifting country standards, right there in the comfort of your home - and all for the miraculous price of just $9.95!

includes such timeless classics as:


God is Quite Nice
The Lord is My Mate
God Has His Reasons (Why my Life is So Crap)
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team
Hallelujah, I'm Not Dead Yet
God is Probably A Bit Like A Doughnut
Sexy MF
My Lord Has Got A Great Big Dick
Give Your Heart To Jesus, Give Your Lungs To God
His is the Glory, Mine is a Pint
Praise Be Unto The Lord (If You Know What's Good For You)

And for a limited period, when you buy this CD you get the chance to audition the remaining 24 volumes of pious, inbred hick tunes on a sale-or-return basis. Hallelujah! Don't miss out on this great opportunity, or you'll burn in hell like the Lucifer-lovin' heathen hell-dog you are.
Call 555-JESUS


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Distributed by Redneck Records. Purchase of any of the CDs from this collection does not guarantee entry to God's eternal paradise and life everlasting in His glorious kingdom, Amen. P&P not included.
 
#18
sandmanfez said:
There is overwhelming evidence to suggest that JC was Airbourne. All those references to Skygods, HALO and "brotherly love" he was clearly mortars. I'm not suggesting for one moment that he was a cupcake though, after all, you're not a poof unless you make eye contact, use each others christian names or push back.
I think you'll find that should read;

sandmanfez said:
There is overwhelming evidence to suggest that JC was Airbourne. All those references to Skygods, HALO and "brotherly love" he was clearly mortars. I'm not suggesting for one moment that he was a cupcake though, after all, you're not a poof unless you make eye contact, use each others christian names and push back.
 
#19
fas_et_gloria said:
sandmanfez said:
There is overwhelming evidence to suggest that JC was Airbourne. All those references to Skygods, HALO and "brotherly love" he was clearly mortars. I'm not suggesting for one moment that he was a cupcake though, after all, you're not a poof unless you make eye contact, use each others christian names or push back.
I think you'll find that should read;

sandmanfez said:
There is overwhelming evidence to suggest that JC was Airbourne. All those references to Skygods, HALO and "brotherly love" he was clearly mortars. I'm not suggesting for one moment that he was a cupcake though, after all, you're not a poof unless you make eye contact, use each others christian names and push back.
I stand corrected Gloria. :wink:
 
#20
You could tell by the way Jesus caried his cross that he had Military training, I particulalry liked the part of the bible where its says.

'The lord striked, seized and grasped his cross in a Y like grip' He then took the disciples a stage further in his cross drill leaving them in this position and getting another chap to carry it while he made for the drill sheds for a sly puff on a roll up.

In his briefings to his section commanders he used plenty of straight hand pointing, and his model kit was to die for.

The very first voice procedure ever heard on a wireless came from three moustached men lurking in the crowd at the crucifixion.... B10 was heard to be going 'foxtrot' then resorted to clicks on the pressel when mingling and up close and personal..... Shortly after an all station call was made, announcing that Sunray was down and that C22a should carry on after a short spell of radio silence.
 

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