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The cunt's have tried to do over my house.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by ringdoby, May 29, 2011.

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  1. Apropos of nowt, the town next to ours has the Travelling Community in it, for a Fair.

    Again, apropos of bugger all, around 1000hrs this morning, my neighbour told me that he'd had a knock on the door yesterday afternoon. A gentleman with a very strong Irish accent asked him if he wanted a drive laying ( my neighbour parks his car on his grass due to some unpleasantness with another neighbour over the communal parking).

    I digress. At about 0405 my wife hysterically informed me "Someone is trying to break in the house". The dogs had started growling, she'd got up and saw someone trying to lever the conservatory window. I went hoofing downstairs giving it laldy with my best war cry, but they'd taken off. OB called and arrived after about 5 mins with the dog. They found sign that the scroat had taken off through the field, but were unable to collar anyone. SOCO has been on site, found fingerprints, and taken impressions of the tool marks from the kitchen and conservatory windows.

    Anyway, if I had been lucky enough to catch the fucker, and disarm him, what would be your method of dealing with him. Let the Courts deal with it, or inflict some summary justice.

    In my fantasy, I'd disarm the cunt, and strip him. I'd then jam a piece of tubing up his arse, and run about a foot of razor wire up his jacksie, remove the tube, leaving a little tail which would then be tied to an inanimate object with about 15 foot of paracord. The scroat would then be told that he had to the count of ten before I came after him with a pick helve. He'd run and rip his hoop out as he did so.

    Anyone got a better idea?
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  2. I'd pull his pants down and suck him off. That'll teach the rotter.
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  3. Lit thunderflash up his arrse.
  4. Keep your eyes peeled. Statistically, they usually return for another visit.
  5. No we don't.
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  6. Employ Tony Martin as a security guard.
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  7. Yes you do!
  8. Have you made any enemies recently, Ringdoby? Don't blame the travellers straight away, maybe the internet is coming back to haunt you!
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  9. Right, where's me crowbar!?! :)
  10. I hope that the Police popped down to the travelling community in order to warn them that they had moved into an area with such a high incidence of crime. After all, their caravans are particularly vulnerable to burglary due to the limited security measures they might be able to take.
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  11. Don't suppose you're up Appleby way by any chance????


    PS my 500th post.
  12. NO, WE DON'T!
    There is no way made that we would pay a visit to a property, guarded by slobbering, diddycoy hating Shih Tzu War Dogs.
  13. Smash the fooker over the head with the nearest blunt object until he was only able to say MMMMMLLAAAARRRR! Then when the OB turned up (5 minutes, not bad don't let the arrse plod bashers find out, you'll shatter their illusions) make sure his blunt object is nearby. Then say the phrase that pays " I had an honestly held belief that he was going to hit me with that crowbar, I was terrified".

    It might be worth getting the mrs to say the same thing.

    Of course, all this hinges on you not malleting him across the BACK of his bonce about a mile from your house. Plod may not believe that you didnt chase him down.
  14. Just remember!
    A person may use such force as I reasonable in the circumstances in the prevention of crime, or in effecting or assisting in the lawful arrest of offenders suspected offender or of persons unlawfully at large.

    In reality you will get your chance to have a pop but don't go over the top and fuck up your own life, if you caught a burglar in your kitchen and said scum pulled a knife on you and in your opinion was trying to kill you, you could be justified in stabbing him with your best bread knife but only to stop him stabbing you. Your intention would not be to kill him but to stop him killing you (durch) what ever happens in these situations you will have to convince a jury.
  15. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    I used to pay good money for that in Hamburg!