The Cornish National Liberation Army dont love their betters


Book Reviewer
I’ve only been to Cornwall a couple of times and I found it a wet, dismal dump with cloudy beer and horrible tourist traps, populated by whinging ginger dwarves speaking in an accent that makes the Welsh sound erudite. They eat minced dog and carrots wrapped in cardboard pastry and call it a ‘local delicacy’, which I suppose it is if the alternative is scrawny sheep?

I’d sure as hell never thought of buying a holiday home there, but my agents are searching for a suitable property as we speak. I intend to run up the Cross of Saint George and re-name the place “The Incomers Rest. Firebomb THIS, shortarse”.

Anybody who reads the Sunday Times will have been enlightened this week by something called the Cornish National Liberation Army and their spokesperson, a balding, ginger dwarf dressed in a leather flying jacket and a kilt – solidarity with the Northern Ginger Nation one assumes?

This prancing exotic has learned from the Animal Liberation animals. On the subject of firebombing English holiday homes he says he would not act unlawfully himself, but would support those who did. This makes him a supporter of terrorism and last time I looked, that was a tad bit illegal? Can we expect the Pixie Plod to feel his collar? Don’t hold your breath.

In March this year his Fairy Band announced "any attempts from hereon to fly the hated and oppressive Flag of St George, which we know as the blood banner in our country, will result in direct action by our organisation".

Yeah? Well fuck you, you whining ginger dwarf terrorist fairy.

He claims they have had support from the INLA and the Basques, as well as, surprise surprise, the Septics, who probably believe Cornwall was the birthplace of the Beatles and is policed by the Paras.

The Ginger Pink Fairy’s main concern seems to be that us English are buying all their quaint Hobbit holes for holiday homes while his mates all earn minimum wage and must live with Mummy and Daddy.

The reason his mates earn minimum wage has fuck all to do with the English, more to do with the fact that when they should have been at school, Uni or learning a trade, they were necking cheap cider and vodka, popping E’s and sniffing glue. The lazy cunts cant find a way to earn a decent living in a land awash with tourism money and its all my fault? I do fucking hope so. Suffer you pig ignorant ginger gimps.

He also wants to burn down English owned restaurants, principally those owned by vile ‘incomers’ Rick Stein and Jamie Oliver. Now whatever you think of chirpy Mockeny chappie Jamie, his restaurant, Fifteen, was setup solely to train and promote useless dole wallah Cornish scum.

Quote from the Guardian…

Though he was born in Oxfordshire, Stein's family has had connections with Cornwall for the best part of a century and his businesses have brought in millions of pounds to the economy.

Oliver's Fifteen is a charitable foundation based at Watergate Bay - a hotel and extreme sports academy that has been operating in Cornwall for five generations.

A spokeswoman for Fifteen said: "We are very surprised and disappointed by the statement because everything about us is Cornish. We are a fifth-generation Cornish business employing large numbers of Cornish staff, we buy huge quantities of food from Cornish fishermen and farmers and...we are committed to helping 400 disadvantaged young Cornish people over the next 20 years."

Stein and Oliver provide Gimli and his Dwarf chums with jobs in the one viable industry Cornwall has since the fishing went west and the tin mines went bankrupt – tourism. Tourism hailed by the Cornish Tourist Board for decades.

You want independence son? Fucking have it. Put up a border post and throw out all your ‘incomers’. Firebomb tourists. Re-open your dingy tin mines and go fucking fishing again. Marry your sister and build a bridge to Wales. Me? Well, I’ve got some borders of my own could do with resurrecting. You want to turn back the clock? Meet the finest fire and sword merchants ever to ride a shaggy pony.



Book Reviewer
I'm very worried to hear that they are all gwar dwarves. I'm not bothered about the land per se, but I do think we need to engage in a pogrom (unless said drarvves have flip-top heads).
Janners are Devonians FFS not Cornish. The usual, customary expression is "janner pig" as in "I sh$gged a janner pig last night in a skip" or "stupid janner pig, haven't you got indicators on that skip you're driving..."

Interestingly there are a considerable number of ginger folk in the south-west penninsula and many of the local females have indeed got more than the average size of norks. I put this down to a diet consisting of dairy protein, potatoes and pasties. Or or t'other at least.

I have enjoyed fleshly pursuits with a Cornish maid and a couple of Devonians. On balance the Cornish girl was quite pleasant but her family dreadful, while the Devon lasses were both a bit lumpen but accommodating and related to understanding fathers with good shoots!

Personally I like the countryside and have few complaints about the indigenous population. The incomers can be classified as a)hippies or b)bankers. The first group are all about getting back to the land and renewing their bond with Gaia, whilst dis-saving family trust funds. The second are usually seldom seen, as their wives and children take advantage of their superior earning performance and absence to have a fecking good time in the rural retreat.

On balance I think I prefer Devon to Cornwall, not least because they can create rugby teams which do not have to consist of 14 Phil Vickery-alikes numbered 15-10 and 8-1, with one midget psychopath numbered 9.


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I was engaged to a cornish girl once, from Par. She was very .........enthusiastic about sex. Sent me a 'Dear john' when I was in Limassol. I was heartbroken. For about an hour, until the ouzo kicked in and I met an R.A.F pilot's wife. Then I forgot all about her.

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