The Complete Military History of France

#1
Following on from TANGOFOWERALPHA'S excellent weblink, this old chestnut came my way on e-mail today, however as it's anti-French it's still funny and worth another look.


LH

The Complete Military History of France

Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years
of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last moment by schizophrenic
teenaged girl, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare;
France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages
to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.

War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as
chapeaux.

The Dutch War - Tied

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their
first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future
Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far
more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the
Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of
the fighting."

French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was
also French.

The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a
British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat boy
yo France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the
United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not
only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in
the French bloodline.

World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and
Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with
the Dien Bien Flu

Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army
by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First
Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English,
Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders
to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador, fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not
be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"


What's the difference between a French man and a piece of toast?
You can make soldiers out of toast.
 
#2
Lets not forget that they have the French Foreign Legion one of the toughest and most professional fighting forces in the world, made up entirely of foreigners.
 
#3
Though, as the men of the Foreign Legion usually say, "Im not fighting for France, Im fighting for the man next to me."
 
#4
More like Im fighting so i dont get done for noncing kids in my own country.

I dont like it all told to be honest. Anythin anti-France is good. Anything Pro america is bad. We need to find a way of resolving this.
 
#5
I thought the French Military History was shortened to 2 words.............. "I Surrender"
 
#7
Bad_Crow said:
More like Im fighting so i dont get done for noncing kids in my own country.

I dont like it all told to be honest. Anythin anti-France is good. Anything Pro america is bad. We need to find a way of resolving this.

Got it off a mate in the States, hence the American bits, however combined Anglo-American anti-French stance can't be a bad thing surely?

LH
 

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