The Classics as Re-Written by ARRSE

We’ve had ARRSE TV and Famous War Film Quotes (now with added swearing), so we’re well prepared to rewrite the classics in the way they should’ve been written in the first place. Ahem:

P and P.png


Next time – Chapter two: Lady Posh-Bint’s sociable cousin Agatha meets the Coldstream Guards.


What other classics could do with more realistic titles or the undoubted benefit of an ARRSE rewrite here and there?
 
We’ve had ARRSE TV and Famous War Film Quotes (now with added swearing), so we’re well prepared to rewrite the classics in the way they should’ve been written in the first place. Ahem:

View attachment 415695

Next time – Chapter two: Lady Posh-Bint’s sociable cousin Agatha meets the Coldstream Guards.


What other classics could do with more realistic titles or the undoubted benefit of an ARRSE rewrite here and there?
Wot?
If you want to do Pride and Predjudice, it starts thus:

“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a bunch of skanky bints and a shedload of beer."
 
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I wandered, pissed and beery,
Round many a quaint and curious nightclub looking for a whore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a slapping,
As of some one gently thrapping, tapping my back door.
"'Tis only Jarrod," muttered I, "thrapping at my back door
Only this, and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Gingerly I sought the shadow; vainly had I clenched my bladder
To prevent a map of Africa from spreading to my fore
But the lager, full inside me, did my self-control deny me
And my Hai Karate washed away with golden tidal roar

But the munter that I mounted, is still a shag that I have counted
With her flaccid bosom hovering almost to the floor;
And the mem'ry while I'm dreaming has me wake up stark and screaming,
I must have been pure steaming to have ridden that once more!
And my soul in its perfection shrivels at the recollection
While the laughter of my section
Shall be stifled nevermore!
 

Oyibo

LE
A Taste of Bunny
@ugly
 

Oyibo

LE
'Fart of Darkness' (we've all been there at some stage)
 
‘Dildo and Aeneas’, Henry Purcell.
ETA: Bloody predictive text. That should, of course, read ‘Dido and Aeneas’.
 
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