The Chav Power Agency (CPA)

Harking back to Taff49's excellent proposal regarding the Secret Government Death Squads (SGDS)I have had a while to consider the role of proposed partner organisation - the Chav Power Agency (CPA).

Rather than simply exterminating fat chavs, we should round them up and forcibly remove the fatty tissue to be rendered for fuel (and beauty products).

At this stage many would, quite understandibly, assume that extermination and disposal would be the next logical step. However I do not subscribe to this view. These horrible spacks are actually a valuable national resource (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/health/7707258/Firefighters-remove-40-stone-woman-from-bedroom.html) once "harvested" of their fat these eating machines should be placed back on a burger, fries, full-fat coke and ready meal diet, with no excercise. After about 6 months they will be ready to harvest again.

This is where the SGDS and CPA would work so well together. The SGDS would "cleanse" the skinny chavs while the CPA transports and "farms" the fat chavs. The CPA also provides a cleaning service for the SGDSs by removing the skinny corpses. These are ground down into a highly nutricious slurry that can be used to augment the high fat diet of the "Fatstock".

This one has win-win written all over it - especially in these challenging times.

So who's with me?

 

I don't know about the harvesting doesn't that mean we will have to let them breed???? Surely that could be worse?

 

Breed and keep them in modified cattle pens, feed them scraps and bonemeal from the skinny chavs and other undesirables.

 

Not sure that's a good idea. Destructive little buggers they are...

 

from an eco point of view the high fat diet demanded by these chavs makes the plan unsustaniable better to cull them cleanly the first time.
even feeding them on deep fat solynet green your not going to get a worthwhile return.
nice idea though

 

The essential Chav Guide..

 

it's a good idea with plenty of merit, and in my capacity as Supreme Commander, SGDS I whole heartedly support the new agency.
Just a thought, if the harvesting plants were to be co-located with the windfarms, then could the blades of the windfarms double up as some form of giant mincer?

 

They could be raised in Broiler Units like chickens. Just lie there with their heads stuck through a hole in the bars for feeding. An automatic overhead fat syphoning unit would do the job. Broiler Chav! has a nice ring to it.

Some could sit outside for 20mins a day. These would be 'Free Range Chavs' and their fat would be more expensive, mainly used for the WAG beauty product market.

When any of them stop producing acceptable quality fat, just let them starve to death and then incinerate them for additional fat farm energy purposes.

 

STOP THE PRESS!!
New Idea..

How about we attach any chavs caught by the SGDS to work groups whose sole purpose is to power massive generators, I'm thinking a kind of large hamster ball arrangement, with a ball per chav linked to a generator.

Once they are all infirm from the lack of food and exhaustion, SGDS can use them for training.

 

Yes.... every 6 months, put them through a Lipo-suction programme. Just think of all that slurry... apparently a Plastic Surgeon in America uses the lipo-sucked human fat as a fuel in his car.... he renders it down for bio-diesel just like chip fat or cooking oils can be......

Just think of all the extra miles that Fat Chavs could provide for the UK...... 40 stone of fat could heat a couple of family homes for a year.... sad..... but......!!!

 

There we go then - I think it's a runner.

I would expect to get free out of date rations to add to the SCP (Skinny Chav Paste). Our transport vehicles can tour the depots of the supermarkets etc in order to collect the leftovers. Add this to the Chav Paste machine (possibly powered by wind turbines) and produce a fully balanced fat-producing diet.

The fattening pens will be 1.8m long x 1m wide x 0.5m high, each FPU (Fat Producing Unit) as we will call our clients will be afforded a sugar solution on permanent supply, 5 incredibly high calorie meals per day will be provided in the form of SCP bulked up with out of date supermarket food and roadkill. This will be injected directly into the FPUs stomach through a feeding tube, the same as for foi gras geese.

Trisha, Jeremy Kyle and X-Factor re-runs will be on permanent loop on a big screen at the end of each fattening unit, this will be our sole concession to welfare, we have to balance the pastoral needs of our fat-stock against the need to keep costs down for the good of the public purse.

The lipo tube will be installed once the FPU reaches harvesting weight and left there for the remainder of the unit's working "life". Fat will be harvested either 6 monthly or when the FPU reaches harvesting weight. A select few can be taken aside for breeding purpose if, and only if, the wild FPU population is domesticated at a rate when the fat demands can no longer be met. Breeding will be highly selective and only prize specimens can be used.

When an FPU reaches the end of it's working life the final fat will be removed by a rendering process and the leftover product will re-enter the feeding system by the same process as for SCP.

Finally, waste management: The diet we are offering will probably cause massive constipation, which can be eased with drugs or out of date prune juice being introduced into the diet. The resulting sewage will be piped to a digester that will compost the waste and burn off the resultant methane to boost power production. The other by-product will then compost down as a soil conditioner.

I think that covers most things except the finances. I honestly think we would qualify for grants from The Carbon Trust and Central Government, but it may well be that Greenpeace would want to get involved.

Anyone got anything else to add?

 

Nope, sounds good, can I play?

 

Lets hope they dont all look like him!

 

Can we ban same chav maraiges?