The Calorie thingy on food

Discussion in 'Health and Fitness' started by General Melchett, May 3, 2006.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. General Melchett

    General Melchett LE Moderator

    When looking at food packets I'm sure you've all worked out how many Pukka Pies you can eat before the 2500 limit is reached.

    However, we were having a debate at work about how efficient the body is at getting those calories out of the food.

    I suppose the obvious way would be to see how many calories are in your sh*t and work out the difference, but not actually wanting to be a gong farmer thought I'd ask you expert types.

  2. If it comes out looking like it did when it went in then it's not very efficient.
  3. I thought the calorie counters where for fat lazy birds who couldnt be arrsed exercising but wanted to look like a supermodel.

    E.g. if changing the tv channel uses 20 calories and eating a sweet is 100 calories i wont get fat if i keep watching tv.
  4. Yes but if you apply this rule to said bird you can have a supermodel.

    She must be less than 10 Stone/63kg/138 lbs and have no more than 2300 calories per day in return for respect, protection, affection and a small amount of pocket money.

    She must perform the following duties each day, failing to reach the required standard on inspection will of course be beneficial since she will burn even more calories by doing tasks again with more effort (excluding shopping which can be removed at anytime).

    Sleep for 9.6 hours in order to complete basic relationship requirements can burn 560 calories.
    Brush her teeth for 5 minutes burns 13 calories.
    Housework 120 minutes burns 364.
    Ironing 60 minutes will burn 141.
    Mopping 30 minutes burns 141.
    Shopping 240 minutes (4hrs) burns 596 (I suggest you replace this with a workout 90-120 minutes duration such as digging, cutting and racking the lawn are good).
    Showering to look nice take’s 45 minutes and burns 199 (There are males that take longer).
    Sitting (at same time as talking on phone) 120 minutes burns 132.
    Talking on phone 120 minutes burns 132 (Invest in a cordless and make her walk at the same time she will understand that you have her needs at heart and you will get even more respect).
    Walking - down/up stairs to put away ironing or going to bed 15 times equals 15 minutes burns 126 calories.
    Walking at 3 mph around, to and from shops 45 minutes burns 205 (Use of car only when master is to drunk to drive calories used by bird in this task do not count and should be taken as bonus award).
    Washing dishes after providing A1 meal 20 minutes burns 47 (Should be noted by bird but if the meal is not A1 more calories are used in cleaning up after food fight)
    Weight lifting – general as to put away ironing and shopping 45 minutes burns 161

    As you can see this gives the bird 2,826 calories burn off per day 526 more than the recommened intake, but wait for it, foreplay and intercourse for 28 minutes will burn off 2,898 calories 598 more than the recommened intake per day the 28 minutes can be reached by any good male.

    General Melchett

    On subject Pukka Pies their Steak and Kidney Pie contain just 205 calories if you have a need you may be able to order direct

    So an average healthy male of approximately 11.5 stone/70 ish kg’s/159 lbs should have around 3000 calories per day or 14.5 pies if he applies the following.

    Sleeping for 12 hours burns only 801 caloires (Could explain why I was so tired)
    Sitting around waitting for 5 hours burns 381 calories (Starting to see a trend here)
    Standing around for 2 hours 172 calories (Yeap its starting to go down hill 1,354 and I have not done any work yet)
    Runing around,Painting trucks curb stones,Mopping and Polishing floors,Sweeping roads/floors 5 hour before the visitor CO/OC arrives burns 8'674 calories (and the old bird thinks I did nothing but it sure explains why I could eat that stuff they called food)

    Not just the pie maker
  5. Your forgot male sex calories (either with or without someone), drinking low cal beer, or better still just drinking full stop !!!!!!! Both could significantly add / detract from the calorie total.

    I am told that 98% of all women find intelligent DNA in themselves, but then they spit it out !!
  6. Its the 2% that do not spit it out that you need to worry about the calories it could cost you just do not need thinking about.

    Why worry ?

    Guinness Draught single Pint 210 calories so l can have 14 and at 185 calories per tin I could have 16 cans per day, non of this boys low cal stuff and if you stay on John Smith's you get 3.5 extra pints or 7 more cans.

    As a real man you can burn off over 8'000 calories, So you have no need to worry about

    Guinness only has 0.3 grams of fat and good old John Smith 0.0 but on a note to calorie counters Non-alcoholic beer actually has the same calories as alcoholic beer

    The only time you can drink more because of low calories is if you drink the stuff from the USA and its called "light" but all beers out of the USA taste like p%&^.