The British Army DS Phrase Book......

[Jip Travolta]

......shrouded in legend, steeped in folklore, the "British Army DS Phrase Book" is rumoured to lie at the bottom of some deep, dark, dusty filing cabinet....probably in Pirbright.......

Will it ever be found? Some say it must remain hidden forever, less recruits be subjected to endless, tortured days and nightmarish sleep........

Ahem...[*cough*] anyway, you must all know some of those timeless "DS Phrases" which get used over and over again (ad nauseum) by successive army blerks (and lasses) over the years......

So come on, let's see a big long list of those cheesy one-liners that just grate on your soul (no pun intended!).

Factor 10 on the mozarella meter must be:

"Yer in yer own time now!"

"Cheer up, yer gettin' paid fer this!"

Any more?
 
 

 

[PartTimePongo]

Fookin' Lizad - I don't believe you performed that last task, to the limit of your abilities , mental or physical.

 

[TABBER]

Do you av a mother private?
         
        Yes Staff

was your mother beautiful private?

         Yes Staff

THEN HOW, IN GODS NAME, DID SHE MANAGE TO PRODUCE A PIECE OF SHIT LIKE YOU!

 

[Mighty_doh_nut]

Gents fall in outside the accomodation Ill march you to the cookhouse, saves you walking

If It ain't raining it ain't training, if it ain't snowing I ain't going

Senior Officer speech:- For those of you who have done well, Well Done! For those of you who didn't do quite so well, Bloody Well Done Anyway!

This Isn't an attendance only course Gentlemen, you can be failed at any time

Stomach In chest out, Arms Arms Heels Heels Dig Dig, necks in the back of the collar, lock the thumb along the top of the forefinger and Look Up! You shaggin Idle horror

 

[Ventress]

'Come on people, you are pi$$ing in your own mess tins'

'You work for me and I'll work for you'

'Its just over the hill'

It's just round the corner'

'You're in your own time now!'

'I've got all night, I've got a salad in the fridge and my wife is ugly'

CO to troops prior to GW1- 'in my hand I have a piece of paper-that tells you absolutly f%ck all!'

A twisted boot lace is a twisted mind

 

[Line_Grunt]

Pain is a sensation that lets you know you ain't dead yet - DS ROWCO 1997

Good morning gentleman.  I am the Company Sergeant Major or Sir to you.  I will call you sir and you will call me sir, except that you will mean it.

 

[Baddass]

"Ho! Nugget, whatareyedaeinyafuckinweechoob!"    

-  Not very sure what that means, but CSgt Gillespie, if your still out there....... I'm sorry.

 

[The_fibre_provider]

DS:. STOP YAWNING.ARE YOU TIERD??

NIG: (its 0630hrs of course I am)...........yes Sgt

DS: THEN RUN AROUND THE DRILL SQUARE TO WAKE YOURSELF UP!!

NIG: (panting)...........bastard! :-X

Ten minutes later...............

DS. YAWNING AGAIN...ARE YOU STILL TIERD??

NIG: (won't catch me again!).....no Sgt...

DS: GOOD THEN YOU WON'T MIND RUNNING AROUND THE DRILL SQUARE AGAIN!!!

you can never win

 

[PartTimePongo]

Jock Drill Pig extraordinaire at Strensall, during the passing off parade practice.

Now when I give you 'ra order, I want yae tae rip yer head and eyes overrrrr .

2 attempts later..

Nae Guid Chentlemen -  Riiiiip them over , I want tae hear yer eyeballs rattle....

5 attempts later........

Oh gawd, what a bag 'bollix ... Fae fooks sake, riiiiip them over chentlemen, like you would rip a... (insert derogatory shortened description of an inhabitant of Pakistan)... off your seester......

Parade collapses - Drill pig raves about queers....

 

[ex-dvr]

Am I hurting you soldier?
I f***ing should be I'm standing on your hair!! showparade 10pm.!

Hold out your hand soldier - given 2p by sgt maj. - As you evidently have not got the money, this is towards your haircut... 2hrs later said soldier knocks on SgtMajors' door gives 1p - thank you sir, here is the change!! - guess who got 5 extra guard duties!!

My first morning wake up call in the Army,  - 05.45hrs lights on pick elve banging on dustbin lid, with a deep black country accent  "If yows lot aint outta bed by time I get back, yows lot are in the sh*t!" same shout heard from next room!!

 

[Muttley]

Worst of all have to be:

"pick up the log"

and

"All 4 corners of the Gym....Standby....GO!"

"Too slow...do it again"

 

[Mountain_Git]

Skin's waterproof....

 

[purplepercy-AB]

"Have you Ironed that shirt private?"

"Yes Corporal!"

"Next Time, try turning the fcuking Iron on!!! Show clean, 10 o'clock!!!!"

 

[El_Pato]

Colour Sgt to O Cdt -

I hate my wife Mr ......, do you know why?

O Cdt -

No Colour Sgt, why?

C Sgt -

Because she's a fcuking civvie! Now stop acting like a fcuking civvie and take a shell tomorrow!

Rowco circa 1991

 

[Sam_Fisher]

On the parade square.

Instuctor. Son have you got a hard on.

Pte. No sir

Instructor. You should do son cause you are stood next to a c*$t

 

[Prodigal]

Female RSM to parade of WRAC recruits.....

"Listen ladies, there are approximately 30 000 feet of cock in Aldershot AND IF YOU DON'T OPEN YOUR LEGS ANY WIDER, YOU WON'T BE GETTING AN  INCH OF IT......!!!"

Guildford, circa 1980, allegedly.......

 

[mushroom]

I don't know about phrases, but as an ex mortar officer well used to playing with the gunners I often wondered if the IGs had a day on their course devoted to learning how to suck air through their teeth whilst trying to dislodge an imaginary stone from the ground everytime a FOO made a BOLD decision.

Every IG I ever worked for did it, and all but a few FOO's were very rattled by it.

 

[flarkey]

Sorry to be racist, but, in the name of humour...

From a Irish Guards CSgt, on the Parade Square Ballykinlar, circa 1996.

"I will demonstarte,......"To the froooooooonnnnnt....SALUTE....UP......TWO-THREE.......DOWN.   And you rip your armd down like you are ripping a black man off your sister!"

He also had a tendancy to call us 'Flids' (as in Thalidomide) cos of the way we marched.  It was funny the first hundred times.

 

[ho-hum]

HAW!! YOU! UGLY!!

NO, NOT YOU YOU'RE FCUKIN' UGLY!!

 

[GunsaBlazin]

The art of good DS commentary, especially when addressed to a superior, is the sarcastic pause.  We had a PSI whose favourite nugget to sweating subbies desperately trying to control their sections was:

Are you in a position to influence the battle. Are ye?  What, from there?  Are you sure? No?  Well fcukin move then...............sir.

Or alternatively, as heard from a legendary Corporal in a certain hot place to a rather portly 2Lt

Get over that fcukin wall you fat fcukin b*stard, or I'll fcukin throw you over.........................................Sir.

This is the same guy who said the classic, but at the time tiring:

Right, sit on your kit.  Chill out.  'ave a fag.  Ooo smokes?

(1 girl puts her hand up)

'Ealthy B*stards!  You stay still, the rest of you, five times round the FIBUA house.

All delivered in the voice of Barry the Baptist from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.  Magic.


GAB