the bonest , of bone questions

what is the most jaw droppingly bone question you've ever had to react to ?

who was it from ?

where they a regular at this , or was it a one off mistake?

now , i've been asked hundereds , but a few stick out as to being so f*cking stupid that i had to do a "comedy double take" just to make sure i wasn't the victim of a wind up.

a classic example goes thus:

ex. purple warrior , my troop has pulled the plum job that is DAMCON and boy are we ever enjoying our stay in stranraer , this is made even more enjoyable by our troop commander who at best could be described as
"a tad over-enthusiastic"
so , there i am out in the wilds of scotland , gainfully employed shovelling sh*t off the roads , and filling in wheelruts etc. and , i have pulled the technically demanding job that is "stop, go man"

now , this is not rocket science , the hardest bit of the job , was stopping myself falling asleep holding on to the sign , and trying to position my hands so the rain didn't go up my sleeve and run down my ribs and down into my undercrackers.

what was making this job a pain in the arrse was troopy , bounding round on the balls of his feet like an overenthusiastic puppy , basically trying to make a very simple task into a major engineering project.

now , i've got to admit he did catch me at a "that's rain dripping off my nose" moment , but i groaned inwardly as i saw him bouncing up the road to me.
the conversation went exactly like this.

"ah , sapper shortfuse , how's it going"
"fantastically well sir , i'm positively cock-a-hoop"(troopy doesn't get sarcasm)
"er .... great ,great , right then sapper shortfuse , what's the plan , and where do you fit into it?"
now , this is where i done the whole slack jawed double take thing
"pardon me sir?"
"whats the plan?"
"the plan sir , as far as i can make out , is i stand here with this stick , and when a car comes , and i want it to stop , i turn the sign to the red side with STOP written on it , but if it's ok for the car to go , i turn it to the green side , with GO written on it"

now , i didn't think troopy could fail to notice the sarcasm dripping from my voice , along with the rain from my hooter , but no , he seemed positively enlightened , and with a jaunty
"excellent excellent , just as long we've got a plan and we're following it through"
off he bounded ........... straight to my opposite number at the other end of the road gang.

guess what he asked him?
Being asked "How are you?" by some numpty when you have either blatantly broken a bone or are lying in a pool of your own blood is a bit wearing.

Heard of an American Military radio report that ran something like.

"Pte F*wit has been shot sir"


"You know of another way to be shot sir?"
excellent excellent , just as long we've got a plan and we're following it through"
did he come from management in the real worlds because that sounds like it came straight from the pages of a management in 5 minutes text book.
I was watching some sort of news report TV a while ago.

The reporter was interviewing people about Windsor Castle.

One american replied

" Its a beautiful place, but why did they build it under a flight path"
In the Re-enactment Hobby/Sport you get the whole gamut of dumbass questions from the flatlanders who reinforce one's belief that the education system has gone totally off the rails..

Numnils come up and stare at your flaming pile of logs " Is that a real fire?"

peer into your cookpot " Is that a real chicken? Do you really eat that?"

poke about in your wikiup and comment " do you actually sleep in that thing? "

but, I must say, they go away very contented when you tell them that the chicken is made of rubber and bought from a Japanese company that makes them special for events, so that you can dry them off and reuse them week after week, and the fire is fed by hidden gas lines running through the fields and historic site to this very spot...

I've given up answering kids when they ask " Is that a real sword?", I just let them finger the blade and then collect the severed digits for future use
this came from some americans on a train

mr and mrs yank, whilst on vacation, are enjoying the beautiful view of the mountains as they travel by rail through Wales.

Mrs Yank, intrigued, turns to hubby and asks...

"how do they keep the grass so short"?

Mr Yank, after sitting deep in thought for a few minutes, drawls...

"They must have special mowers"

Standing in a lift a few months ago with a mate in town.

Doors closing with the recorded voice "mind the doors"

mate says "Is that for deaf people?"
Overheard in the back of a truck in Germany

Spr Dumb: "I got a 20 mark, a 10 mark & a 50 mark - how much is that worth?"

Spr Dumber: "70 marks - don't you know nuffin?"

Scarily, Spr Dumber wasn't joking!
When doing an "ease springs" on my pistol, the guy I was showing it to said "Is it safe to do that?" with a look of horror on his face, even though I'd just shown clear to him (and explained to look in the barrel to see if there was anything there). The look I shot him made him say "Oh, i guess you're the expert"... :twisted:

Other gun related one - some italian bint says in a shocked voice "What? You have guns in your house? But you could get drunk and kill your wife!", to which I reply - "you've got kitchen knives - you could get drunk & kill your husband & kids". That shut her up!

On seeing a target with 38cal holes in it in my office, a couple of guys have asked "is that an airgun?" I've also had, after assuring the person involved that we do indeed shoot real guns with real ammunition, "Do you shoot targets or each other?" This last one was from a guy at Oxford University! :roll:
Whilst being shown around a Norwegian Army camp way up in extreme north of Norway we were introduced to the biggest f*cking dog you have ever seen in your life. The handler told us proudly that when the weather was really bad (apparently a frequent occurence in the north of Norway) the dog could be sent out on it's own to patrol and presumably rip to shreds any sneaky Russians or Finns. A voice from our group then asked "Does he take a radio?"

I would tell you which country he was from but the Yanks are getting enough stick on this thread!
showing some friends some snaps, one of which was of me after doing live fire coy attacks, still with all the kit on

female friend asks......

"is that a real gun?"

she couldnt believe that the TA use real weapons, but then the regs dont believe us either ;)
Ex Purple Star, North Carolina -

RAF Air Transport Det accom is a row of huts (with air con, naturally), with tents for sleeping.

1 AEvac Sqn hut is distinguishable by the large metal sign outside with the words 'No 1 Aeromedical Evacuation Squadron' in large letters. I am inside, sitting at the duty aeromed desk when in bounds an aircrew officer from the Harrier sqn who were accommodated nearby.

Offr: "Hello Cpl, is this Admin HQ?"

Me: "No sir, this is Aeromed. Admin is two huts down. It's the one with the 'Admin HQ' sign outside".

Offr: "Oh, right, ok." Pauses, then: "Do you know how much LOA I should get this week?"

The same officer reappeared several days later, carefully studied our notice board display of local facilities, and then asked if the 7-Day Troop Store was open at weekends....:roll:

He is probably an Air Vice Marshal now.


War Hero
After getting his boots sprayed with powder from a fire extinguisher OCdt Mong said:

"I hope this stuff doesn't burn, I'm going to the dems range."
on top of mount kent , putting in some new accomodation for the pale skinned round eyed scopeys that lived up there.

one scopey to another in the cookhouse queue says

"oh we're tracking a plane from chile caught in a storm , it's probably going to have to make an emergency landing at MPA"

to which the other replied

"do you reckon there'll be any mail on it?"

queue bread roll to back of head.
I'm currently working with an irritating t*t who has obviously been ragged once too often about his bone questions, and has developed a conversational strategy to make you ask HIM instead. He must be the overlooked older brother of a better looking, more charismatic sibling, as he is always desperate for attention.

It usually plays out something like this;-

T*T - (Totally out of the blue, and to no-one in particular) "I suppose its like London in many ways!"

The 3 (longsuffering) Stooges - Silence as we all try to look really busy and pretend we havent heard him.

T*T - "It cant be any worse than driving in Rome!"

3 Stooges - Silence, all busy, scrutinizing map, concentrating really hard on digging stones out of boot tread etc.

T*T - "I cant wait to see the look on her face, its gonna be BJ's and banjo's all weekend!"


T*T (looking hurt) "Well, I've booked a surprise trip to Paris for me and (insert name of latest hideous old munter he's banging) next month, and I was just wandering if any of you blokes had been?"

All 3 Stooges in unison - "WELL W-H-Y, THE F*CK, DONT YOU JUST ASK?

T*T - (cautiously) "Well, I did'nt want to look like a t*t!"

(fists/boots fly)
I had not long been back from NI with my unit when a guy joined us straight out of brat, yep Junior Leaders, he swaned about claiming he knew all about the army and was a mite miffed at the fact that I had served on operations whilst he, being a junior leader and obviously a better soldier than I, hadn't, so he made the most bizarre comment.

He claimed that the knowledge I got from South Armagh was useless as I wasn't in any real danger because I wasn't carrying any live ammo, which confused me. It seems a mate who was a bootie told him that the toms carry blanks in NI because they can't be trusted and only the team commander has 10 rds "just in case" Nobody could convince him otherwise, he totally belived his mate over us, this was probably becuase he thought he was in fact a real infantryman and shortly rebadged RRF.

The end of this story is quite funny as well, after rebadging he went on a tour to NI to the same place I was, but of course the rules had changed by then as he could carry rds, obviosly the infntry is trusted more :roll: well first op out in a helo they got shot at, to which on return he immediatly put his papers in and left, last seen working MPS at Porton

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