"The Bimbo, The UFO and the SAS CO:" Potential Bestseller?

Discussion in 'The Book Club' started by Andy_S, Aug 30, 2011.

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  1. Andy_S

    Andy_S LE Book Reviewer

    Gents:

    On another forum,the question was posed, "Which Book do you Need to Write?"

    Being broke, under-appreciated and suicidal, I have decided to kick the profitless genre of military history and write instead, wot the masses want.

    My publisher tells me that the best-selling books in the UK feature the following subjects:
    Princess Diana; or
    UFOs; or
    The SAS.

    With this in mind, my muse at last showed her genius, and suggested I combine these three money-spinning genres into a single, ultimate potboiler. So here it is: My madcap ploy for bestsellerdom...

    London. A dark and stormy night.

    From the roiled skies, a terrifying apparition swoops down: A mighty UFO, lights ablaze and bristling with laser guns, hovers over Kensington Palace!

    A tractor beam is deployed. Reaching into the master bedroom, the crafty device sucks the terrified (and scantily clad) "People's Princess" from her Four Poster - to the astonishment and dismay of her hirsute lover, playboy and department store heir, Dodi Al-Fayyed.

    Emergency signals go out as the saucer lifts off with its prize. Luckily, help is at hand.

    SAS Commanding Officer Stirling O'Dare tosses back his glass of port, pulls on his balaclava and leads his elite chaps into action. With a well-placed double tap from his trusty Browning, O'Dare brings down the UFO.

    Then...zounds! Little green men armed with ray guns and killbots swarm forth, threatening to overrun the balcony boys. Could this be the end? As Di screams fetchingly in the background, battle is joined.

    Meanwhile, across town...

    Dodi marshals from the Menswear Dept his father's crack bodyguard unit, the "Jaish Al-Harrods" - an elite group of former Muj notable for their deadly combat skills, Islamic fundamentalist beliefs and love of bespoke fashion. They charge into the fray mounted upon Jaguar and Bentley "technicals," specially outfitted with Dushkas and RPG mounts.

    Tri-way combat rages across London as little green men, black-clad special forces and Islamic terrorists/haute couturiers fight for the future of civilization as we know it.

    And to the winner the spoils. Which of our heroes will come out on top? Will it be the blue-eyed, uber-Anglo Stirling or the swarthy, passionate Dodi who lays low the alien menace and wins a night of sizzling passion with the simpering bimbo?

    ....so there ye have it.

    I am not yet settled on a title, but it will probably be, "The Bimbo, the UFO and the SAS CO."
    Alternatively, I could write it as "non fiction" and go for something more newsy: "Princess Di's Excellent Adventure: The Honest-to-God UFO Conspiracy the Government Tried to Keep Secret."
    Or should I just be blatantly Spielbergian and go for, "Close Encounters of the Turd Kind"?

    Anyway, what do ye think of the concept? Corker or wot?

    I see the millions rolling in already...
     
  2. Could you bung in a page or two on horrible **** probing by aliens from the UFO on a character with the knickname of Short Jimmy who no-one believes because he has served time for Stolen Valor having claimed to be a cook in the Arkansa Air National Guard in GW2 and hangs himself in chains dressed in woman's clothes with a feather duster sticking out his ricker?

    If the above is too much, a badie called Herr Doktor Von Shardenfreuderfest would be nice :-D
     
  3. Been done I think.Seems familiar somehow.
     
  4. So.....How long did you serve ?
     
  5. If you're going to flail around like this, you may as well cram in every literary device possible. Add a nauseatingly cute 'Marley' type dog, that'll get the chicks in. Eschew all punctuation in the unreadably, infuriatingly mannered Jose Saramago fashion, and that's the Nobel Prize sorted.

    You've already got magic realism. What about a terminally ill kid from a disadvantaged background? Swarthy foreigners with an evil agenda? ****, you've got that too. Suspect, yet noble misfit redeeming himself through heroic self-sacrifice? (think 'Witty' in The Wild Geese)
     
  6. Any of the female characters got big tits?
     
  7. If you base it on 'Witty', you could call the character Jarrod!
     
  8. That's the spirit! Gratuitous tit pic;
     
  9. Bagpipes man! It needs bagpipes. Obviously worked in to the point where it goes from abject despair to glorious victory.

    And a token Mick, with a shady past. You know, he/she may have been on the wrong side from our heros previously but is, deep down, a good and noble being. It'll never sell in 'Merica otherwise.
     
  10. Andy_S

    Andy_S LE Book Reviewer

    Schadenfreude:

    Outstanding, will write that in.

    Trowel:

    Say it ain't so!

    Duff:

    Two in-glorious years in ULOTC. Didn't "slot" any of the Queen's enemies, but by God, I sank a hell of a lot of ale.

    Convict:

    What do you mean "swarthy foreigners with an evil agenda?" Dodi is one of the heroes! There is money in oil, so am looking to sell Middle Eastern rights to this baby. Am also happy to include an oil well in central London as product placement (if demand is there).

    Eodmatt:

    But of course.

    Mercia:

    RE: Bagpipes.
    No, had those in my last tome and they did little good.

    RE: Micks and Merkins
    Good point. The aliens can grill Dublin with a giant ray gun - that's the Irish angle sorted - and, thinking Hollywood, I see a heroic support role for the USAF. And perhaps the aliens will land on 4th July? Moreover, I think Di should, in fact, have an American accent....and....er...
     
  11. That's just it, you see. Of course Dodi's got an agenda, he can't be a postmodern hero otherwise. Maybe he could get shot on the Tube.
     
  12. You've got to have something to do with his/her troubled past which will then be a seque into the current position.
     
  13. Will it reveal the colour of the boat house?
     
  14. Yes, the tanssexual aliens should have big tits, definitely
     
  15. Andy_S

    Andy_S LE Book Reviewer

    Convict:

    SNIP
    Of course Dodi's got an agenda, he can't be a postmodern hero otherwise. Maybe he could get shot on the Tube.
    SNIP

    Dodi's agenda is simple: Terminating cads. In the penultimate scene, Dodi gets into a gat showdown with James Hewitt - though probably in a boudoir or gentleman's club, rather than the Tube.

    But could the scene be posted on UTube for postmodern effect? Hmmm. Possible.

    Frog:

    SNIP
    Will it reveal the colour of the boat house?
    SNIP

    Certainly not. "Loose lips sink ships"...and presumably boats, too.

    (But sources tell me it's pink with peach piping. Keep that to yerself.)

    Genuine:

    Transexuals? I should think so. This is a 21st century novel we are talking about here. I will also be fitting "Dr Silicon," the manic breast-enhancement surgeon in there. He meets a messy end when the balloon goes up.