the best excuse ever.

I was at a party on saturday with the missus, and it was without a shadow of a doubt the most boring do i've EVER been to.

i tried to get into he swing of things but it was getting so bad i was almost going mental, i even got bored with sneakily hurting any kid who came near me and then making a joke about it with their parents, and even letting off a load of fireworks i'd got last year "off the back of a lorry" only cheered me up momentarily

i started to think about an exit strategy that didn't involve a large domestic, or just disappearing over a wall and hit on a f*cking corker.

i went up to the missus who was deep in conversation with some elderly relative of hers and asked if i could have a quick word in her ear

"what's up?" she asked....

"i've got a bit of a problem" i whispered back

"what ... have you damaged another child?"

"er .... no, worse than that"

"well what then ... please dont tell me you've broken any of their stuff"

"no ... but i'm going to have to go home"

"why ... WHAT HAVE YOU DONE" (said with an accusing glare)

"i've sh1t me pants"

"you .... you've what"

"i've sh1t me pants .... i farted and i've followed through, er can we talk about this outside"

" i don't f*cking believe this !!"

"nor me ... you want to be in my pants !!!"

"well, you'd better go home and sort yourself out then"

f*cking result !!!! 10 minutes later, back home laying in front of the telly with a beer on the go and no missus !!! rinse perfectly good pants in sink and throw them in the dohbi and she's none the wiser ... :D

what's the most desperate excuse you've used to get out of a situation ?????
no need moody ... if you'd just been told by someone they'd just sh*t their pants would YOU check to see if they're lying ... that's the genius of this excuse .... it's almost too perfect.

and it worked especially well because i've got "previous" :D
Pretty sure I saw this post somewhere else.....might be wrong :?
A while back an odd thing happened! Our PTI was obviously bored of running and decided that that day’s session would be swimming.

Now normally this wouldn’t have been a problem however the night before while drinking copious amounts of vodka my so called friends, they thought it would be funny to write WIDE LOAD on my butt in black permanent marker. Despite much scrubbing of my poor arrse in the shower it would not budge and I had unfortunately drank my supply of turps the night before so I had to pluck a cracking excuse out of said arrse.

PTI- dizzy blonde where are your swimming things?

DB- well you see Sgt it’s a bit embarrassing really the painters are in!

PTI- so? You girls have got them bullet things you can still go swimming

DB- yes Sgt but I have a rare genetic condition and have to wear special tampons that react very badly with chlorine. Last time my foofoo blew up like a balloon and I had to spend a week in hospital.

Please note that the PTI has turned a funny shade of red and looks to be struggling for words.

PTI- very well DB but please try to obtain a note from the doctor for future reference.

Pat on the back for blondy J

Until same PTI catches her frolicking in the pool whilst on tour in Cyprus and asks loudly “ not that time of the month is it DB? Must watch out for your swollen foofoo”

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