The beer Scooter

Discussion in 'The ARRSE Hole' started by Poppy, Aug 17, 2004.

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  1. > How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard
    >
    > night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?' As
    >
    > hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey
    >
    > from the pub to your house.
    >
    >
    > The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.  The
    >
    > Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased
    >
    > to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has
    >
    > acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer
    >
    > Scooter works in the following fashion: - The passenger reaches
    >
    > a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins
    >
    > to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many
    >
    > sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down
    >
    > winged Beer Scooter.
    >
    >
    >
    > The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them
    >
    > in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional Portal. This is
    >
    > not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's
    >
    > in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second
    >
    > questions after a night out, 'How did I spend so much money?'
    >
    >
    >
    > Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record
    >
    > and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI
    >
    > (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such as skinned knees and
    >
    > a sore spot on the top of your head.
    >
    >
    >
    > An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the
    >
    > destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature
    >
    > of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost,
    >
    > seemingly unaccounted for.
    >
    >
    >
    > This answers a third question after a night out 'What
    >
    > the hell happened?'  With good intentions, Bacchus opted
    >
    > for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time)
    >
    > add-on, that automatically removes, in descending order,
    >
    > those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one
    >
    > person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another's
    >
    > and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a
    >
    > period of time.
    >
    >
    >
    > Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often
    >
    > cause the Scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus
    >
    > sending passengers to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific
    >
    > consequences.
    >
    >
    >
    > For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers
    >
    > picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots
    >
    > (Patent Pending). these boots are designed in such a way that no
    >
    > matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to
    >
    > wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure
    >
    > that you bump into every wall in the house and the CTSGS
    >
    > (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.
    >
    >
    >
    > The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some Scooters
    >
    > is the TA (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how
    >
    > one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in
    >
    > a single night.
    >
    >
    >
    > P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to
    >
    > comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures,
    >
    > wearing just a T-shirt.
    >
     
  2. This explains last weekend..... during a stag weekend (I think!)...... in Devon (I think!).

    :p :p :p :oops:
     
  3. There are also such marvellous inventions as the 'Beer Compass'. Normally disguised as a Kebab, this wondorous device can be seen guiding many a drunk in a slightly wavering line, held out in front of him.

    The chief culprit from a night out is the 'Beer Monster' though. This is the evil and rarely spotted beast who steals all your money, messes up your hair, p1sses all over your shoes, throws your clothes all around your room, makes a state of your kitchen, puts moss on your tongue and shoves a dead badger up your arrse. Thus accounting for the state of both you and your home when you wake up in the morning.

    B-T
     
  4. 8O Dear God I may have been married to this man..........

    8O Beebs
     
  5. To who? The Beer Monster? Or his unfortunate victim? You can't blame the man, it wasn't his fault. The Beer Monster got him.

    I also forgot to mention the 'Beer Fleece'. The invisible warm layer that enables the drunkard to stroll down a Newcastle high street in February, wearing a thin, short sleeved Shirt. Or wearing bugger all if he's a para...

    B-T