The Beard Thread

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#1
Having a few moments respite from the nightmare that is my life, I've given up shaving.

Its been a year or two since I have grown a beard, and theres one or two silver hairs among the....

Yeah, well.

It is not growing as fast as it used to, and the bird says it is chaffing her inner thighs. And I find myself touching it. Often. Stroking it. And waking up in the night. Wondering if my beard should go under the covers. Or over the covers.

Any advice welcome.
 
#3
I had a beard for a few months, women hated it and said it made me look like an old tramp.....and to be fair I could see their point. Blokes, on the other hand seemed to nod their approval.
It was quite handy if I was caught a bit peckish as I'd just dig out some of my previous scoffs from within the whiskers. Happy Days!
 
#4
jack-daniels said:
I had a beard for a few months, women hated it and said it made me look like an old tramp.....and to be fair I could see their point. Blokes, on the other hand seemed to nod their approval.
It was quite handy if I was caught a bit peckish as I'd just dig out some of my previous scoffs from within the whiskers. Happy Days!
You looked like that fella out of Shameless. :D

I have a duty goatee, and have had it since I came out. It looks like a badgers face, all white and black.

I like it though, and that's all that matters.
 
#5
jack-daniels said:
I had a beard for a few months, women hated it and said it made me look like an old tramp.....and to be fair I could see their point. Blokes, on the other hand seemed to nod their approval.
It was quite handy if I was caught a bit peckish as I'd just dig out some of my previous scoffs from within the whiskers. Happy Days!
Your beard was just wrong Jack - you know it!
 
#6
the_guru said:
jack-daniels said:
I had a beard for a few months, women hated it and said it made me look like an old tramp.....and to be fair I could see their point. Blokes, on the other hand seemed to nod their approval.
It was quite handy if I was caught a bit peckish as I'd just dig out some of my previous scoffs from within the whiskers. Happy Days!
You looked like that fella out of Shameless. :D

I have a duty goatee, and have had it since I came out. It looks like a badgers face, all white and black.

I like it though, and that's all that matters.
You were just jealous of my manly mutton chops.
 

ancienturion

LE
Book Reviewer
#7
jack-daniels said:
I had a beard for a few months, women hated it and said it made me look like an old tramp.....and to be fair I could see their point. Blokes, on the other hand seemed to nod their approval.
It was quite handy if I was caught a bit peckish as I'd just dig out some of my previous scoffs from within the whiskers. Happy Days!
Ah, yes. But I always found soup to be a bit of a strain.
 
#8
ancienturion said:
Ah, yes. But I always found soup to be a bit of a strain.
That's a terrible pune or play on words! :)

I usually grow a full set from the first frost of summer till the clocks change in the spring. When I shave it takes people I see every day weeks to notice... :cry:
 
L

Lechies

Guest
#9
I myself on xmas eve had decided that I will grow a beard until I've completed the coast to coast in September. I have no problem with my face resembling a giant horse vagina, my wife regularly tells me my breath smells like a dirty cock locker but she is yet to explain how she knows this. The plan is to shave it all off the day I finish the coast to coast for charidee mate. At the moment I have a touch of designer stubble going but soon it. Shall look like the bush belonging to the bird in the joy of sex except it will turn brown/ginger/grey and will make me even more attractive than I already am. Photo's to follow.
 
Z

Zarathustra

Guest
#10
jack-daniels said:
the_guru said:
jack-daniels said:
I had a beard for a few months, women hated it and said it made me look like an old tramp.....and to be fair I could see their point. Blokes, on the other hand seemed to nod their approval.
It was quite handy if I was caught a bit peckish as I'd just dig out some of my previous scoffs from within the whiskers. Happy Days!
You looked like that fella out of Shameless. :D

I have a duty goatee, and have had it since I came out. It looks like a badgers face, all white and black.

I like it though, and that's all that matters.
You were just jealous of my manly mutton chops.
How could anyone be jealous of your beard? You looked like you were off to drink purple meths out of a brown paper bag.
 

Longlenny

War Hero
Book Reviewer
#11
Why do blokes shave, is it purely for vanity, do they want to look like a woman? Why do you take a sharp implement, scrape the first layer of skin off your face and then go out in the cold. An even better idea, scrape the first layer of skin off your face and then rub raw spirit (aftershave) into the wounds. I think the blokes from Gillette are laughing all the way to the bank. I haven't had a shave for thirty two years. Got a full set of whiskers and the signifcant other loves it. Thats the whiskers you randy old sods. Well and the other as well if I am honest but......
 
#13
I like it when the barrack room lawyers get started, they have some great theories.

One once told me that you could smash the RSM in the nose and get away with it as long as you did it between 2359 and 0001hrs, as under the Berne convention or some other convention, he wasn't sure which, that time does not legally exist in the Army.

I was all set to put this to the test but unfortunately, demob intervened.

Why don't one of you try it and come on here and tell us what happened. :wink:
 
#14
LAIT said:
Fallschirmjager said:
Longlenny said:
Why do blokes shave, is it purely for vanity, do they want to look like a woman?
More importantly, why do the army insist that we shave out side burns halfway up the ear? What's that all about? 8O
Oh christ FG - let's not get this started again. Roll out the barrack room lawyers and quotes from various legal tomes.

It's a fucking silly rule...nuff said!
I'm thinking of declaring myself muslim, as I will never be able reach any of the other posts which allow whiskers.

msr
 
#15
crow_bag said:
jack-daniels said:
the_guru said:
jack-daniels said:
I had a beard for a few months, women hated it and said it made me look like an old tramp.....and to be fair I could see their point. Blokes, on the other hand seemed to nod their approval.
It was quite handy if I was caught a bit peckish as I'd just dig out some of my previous scoffs from within the whiskers. Happy Days!
You looked like that fella out of Shameless. :D

I have a duty goatee, and have had it since I came out. It looks like a badgers face, all white and black.

I like it though, and that's all that matters.
You were just jealous of my manly mutton chops.
How could anyone be jealous of your beard? You looked like you were off to drink purple meths out of a brown paper bag.
You make that sound like a bad thing.
 
#16
@ Iron Duke; you have clearly not considered the simple, yet Heedlessly Manly pleasure of lurking in your s-h-e-d with a wank mag in one hand, scratching sagely in your beard with the other, and ruminating profoundly on life's manifold petty injustices (insert MPI of your choice here)

Admittedly, this beard palaver is far more complicated than it has any right to be.

I loathe shaving only slightly less than I loathe being unshaven, yet I must not grow a moustache, because some men must not grow moustaches, and I am one of them. I know this because I did so in 1987, when I was too young to know better. It made me look like a cross between Errol Flynn, a Mexican gigolo, and Mr Potatohead, and not in a good way.

I cannot grow a beard, because it has frightened police officers, visibly and repeatedly, and they've got the guns. Yet a beard suits my axe murderer appearance, especially with six months' worth of suntan and wild hair, because I quite like frightening unarmed people, since it gets me seats on public transport and quick service in members-only clubs.

And because people are dross. Squalid, inane, moronic, contemptible dross. All of them. Especially the ones who won't have sex with me. Die, maggots. Slowly, horribly and soon.

See, Duke? It's not just you, if it's any consolation.
 
#17
I stopped shaving the day I left the army. In Iran earlier this year I allowed nature to take its course and had a magnificent full set by the time I had been there a couple of months. walking around Teheran, people would refrain from catching my eye and if they did so accidentally would slide their eyes away suddenly. Iranian policemen looking for cars to stop to supplement their Islamic salary would suddenly find another, more interesting target, somewhere in the middle distance when I fixed them with a Rasputin like stare. And so last week I went into the Hot Toc shop (hair dresser) next to the Rex hotel in Vung Tau for a hair cut. I chose this establishment mainly because I was in Vung Tau on R n R and because it is run by three stunning bits of frippit. I settled down in the chair which was tilted to near horizontal and allowed the fragrent fingers of a mini-skirted honey to massage my scalp before starting work.

I was fast asleep in no time.

I awoke just as the final rinse was happening. But I had a strange naked feeling. Something odd. Then the realisation hit me. my face was as naked as a clean shaven man. Shock, horror.

My LBFM had followed me in and instructed the tartini hairdresser to do away with my pride and joy. She told the hairdresser that she didnt like the feel of coarse beard hair up her chuff. The hairdresser tried to console me by saying that her (English) boyfriend always insisted on shaving her muff (very few Asian birds do) and that she had grown quite used to it. I demanded a squizzy, but my request was refused with a giggle.

LBFM is still paying for her audacity.
 
#20
When I left the army I had the statuary squaddie ‘tash and flat top with short back and sides.

I joined the Met police and after the initial training I was posted to division and shortly after that was sent on my first public order event which happened to be the London Gay Pride march.

Much to my horror and the amusement of the rest of the serial, most of the men seemed to have a ‘tash, a flat top and short back and sides and I was getting a few sidelong glances from some of the participants of the march and shouts of “Come and join us.”

Next morning on early turn parade, there I was…sans ‘tash and a number one all over.

Years later I now sport the goatee with shaved head look and have tried the full beard with shaved head look but it made children cry and the better half to lay down ultimatums, we compromised with a goatee.
 

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