The Ballad of Johnnie Smeaton

Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnnie walked wan day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say
A fanatic Muslim nutter
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.

A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht "a wumman driver"
Or at least someone half-pissed
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae Al Qaeda's band

The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire
Now that's no richt oor Johnnie cried
And sallied tae the fray
A left hook and a heid butt
Required tae save the day.

Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scotsmen huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
An get yersel tae F**k.
Afay Guid! Rabbie Burns! Eh!
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