The art of curling one out..Poo ettiquite.

#1
So it's time for your morning constitutional,you've gone into your favorite trap & settled down with the reading material of your choice,maybe a B&H filter tip & a cup of coffee....

You feel the nudge of the turd at your hoop,gently stretching the ring open to escape the darkness........

So,do you take a masive strain & blow the whole lot out in one wet splash as it hits the watery depths below,do you crimp off little sections of bowel fruit or do you move yourself around on the loo seat,trying to lay one long length of cable in the pan,like an ice cream....?
 
#2
So it's time for your morning constitutional,you've gone into your favorite trap & settled down with the reading material of your choice,maybe a B&H filter tip & a cup of coffee....

You feel the nudge of the turd at your hoop,gently stretching the ring open to escape the darkness........

So,do you take a masive strain & blow the whole lot out in one wet splash as it hits the watery depths below,do you crimp off little sections of bowel fruit or do you move yourself around on the loo seat,trying to lay one long length of cable in the pan,like an ice cream....?
I usually do a massive dump into a plastic bag and throw it at the first police car I see.
 
#4
I find an exercise shovel recce quite fulfilling.
 
#5
I wrap mine in cling film and take it home in case anyone finds it and analyses the stool to see if i'm from the West

Added - Also useful as a hand warmer.
 
#6
Coffee, fag, log in, log out.
 
#7
These days, my sphincter chucks it out with such venom that I often expect that its submerged and shot straight round the S-Bend and sped off on its way into the drinking water system!!!

That said I still enjoy a full on gristley, dry turd, that seems to hang on for ages and stretches yer arrse as wide as a ceral bowl.
 
#8
Being a tight fisted Jock I like to hang onto mine as long as possible
 
#9
I usually sit there for a couple of minutes as a pain spreads from my colon to my balls, unable to drop one. Then I give up and go have a cigarette and a pint of coffee, that usually gets things moving.
For me, it's usually spray 'n' pray.
 
#10
I like it when its out as quickly as possible, there's nothing worse than having one of them shits that's just a little bit to wide for your arse. They're the ones that take fucking forever to come out too.....fucking agony.

Then there's one of the unexplained mysteries of the world....sticky shit, how is it and why the fuck does it need to be so clingy. Spend ages wiping your ring piece raw or risk a fuck off mars bar stain in your kecks.

Crop spraying or cable laying I'm not fussy.
Especially since I moved away from john wayne paper and onto wet wipes, comfy bum arse carpet all the way these days
 
#11
Ipod time for me, a good few games of bejewelled blitz or angry birds and let things happen at natures speed. I usually end up walking like a spastic though when pins and needles in the legs take hold.
After a night on red wine does any body elses cack have a green tinge to it or is it just mine? I do miss the toilets in Germany that had the shelf that made examination easier!
 
#12
Depends on whats been eaten the night before. Fibre type food then its instant sit-n-shit, sarnies (shift work) usually results in bloated stomach which, in turn, leads to straining. Normal scoff then its either pebbledash or a long log that curls down
 
#14
depends, sometimes its a 'ghost shit -turned-berry choc souffle..... the angry face, burst blood vessels drippin all over a solitary marble of bastad shit.

or

the 'pebble-dash', what feels like a satisfying ultraglide dinner dump, rapidly resembling a pile of aggregate being poured out of a hot chrome cement mixer. (EDIT repeat, sorry, only read the OP before posting)

or

the 'gravy plate', nice and comfortable until you start trying to wipe your backside......endlessly getting nowhere......like trying to fork gravy off your dinner plate.

or


my favorite.....'the afterburner', aptly named after a night on the dorset nagga's, with your arsehole resembling a car cigarette lighter!!!

EDIT: ROFL...just found this....might help with the shit-spotting

 
P

PrinceAlbert

Guest
#15
Etiquette? Surely you just sit there until the job is done. Wipe your ricker, flush, and get the fuck out?
 
#18
Never crimp, your asking for all manner of clagnut problems. Prior Planning Prevents Ass Poor Performance, so assess what its gonna be, is it solid? Push, cause a hernia do whatever, just get it out, just don't crimp, or worse let it go back in. If it's soft or liquid, push enough to start it off then let gravity do its thing.

As for wiping, it doesn't matter how you do it, stains on the pants is a fail.

Just don't stink the place out for when its my go an clean up the streaks in the pan you grotty bastards
 
#19
I definitely try NOT to crimp....my sphincter is hairier than Dierdre Barlows top lip...so wiping too hard can make i cry.....the last solid HESH round i passed caused me problems for a week-things just would not go back into place...:-(
 
M

Mark The Convict

Guest
#20
After a night on red wine does any body elses cack have a green tinge to it or is it just mine?
Very much so, and also strangely adhesive. Clings to the sheerest of porcelain and defies you to remove it. Naturally, I just leave it there for the rats and blowflies.

Etiquette consists solely of striking a match to mask the gruesome stench. When it starts smelling like carrion it's time to straighten up your act for a while.
 

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