The ARRSE Samaritans hotline

#1
Being a socially minded fellow, with a bit of time on your hands and a pinprick of conscience that demands you play your part in Dave's 'Big Community', you volunteer to man a Samaritans hotline. How would you deal with those poor, suicidal callers:

Starters for 10

"The next express train is the 8.14pm... next... yes, put all three wires in your mouth... next.... make sure you get your whole head over the barrels... next"

"Your wife is right mate... christ you're boring"

"The fence around the pylon is a barrier only in your mind. If a kid with a kite can climb it..."

"Of course no one will miss you... its not as if you have any friends anyway, else you wouldn't be talking to me"

"Yes, jump"

"Tell the policemen its a gun..."

"Really? Fascinating"

I suppose the ultimate in irony: the Samaritans use a call queuing system.
 
#3
"Your call is really important to us so please continue to perch on your concrete ledge until an advisor becomes available"
 
#4
"Go on,I dare you"
"We get good rates on single tickets to Switzerland"
"Yes of course,the third rail is the safe one"
"What size shoes do you take"?
"I've got a guy in Mumbai who would like your kidneys,liver,lungs,eyes and spleen"
"Do you want to talk to my sister in law,she'll bore you to death"
 
#5
"Due to apathy we are experiencing long delays in finding an available operator. Your call is important to us. Please hold the line...Your call is important to us. Please hold the line...Your call is important to us. Please hold the line..."
click. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn please replace the handset. Please replace the handset.
 
#7
"If you are attempting to hang your self please press one!"

"If you are attempting to take an overdose of prescription medication please press two!"

"If you think it may merely be cry for help or related to any other matter then please hold the line"
 
#8
OK once you have sorted out how you would deal with the suicidal individual who would you trust to man the phones.....I thought of Jarrod and Sluggy but Jarrod would just use it to pick up suicidal man meat advising them to switch sides and offer his support and Sluggy would just get them to finish the job as quick as they could so she can knock off to guzzle wine and ride her pony (or the rampant rabbit if no pony is available).

So another question is who would be trusted to man Tiny Lewis ARRSE hotline???
 
#9
OK once you have sorted out how you would deal with the suicidal individual who would you trust to man the phones.....I thought of Jarrod and Sluggy but Jarrod would just use it to pick up suicidal man meat advising them to switch sides and offer his support and Sluggy would just get them to finish the job as quick as they could so she can knock off to guzzle wine and ride her pony (or the rampant rabbit if no pony is available).

So another question is who would be trusted to man Tiny Lewis ARRSE hotline???
Zero _Over...he would convince callers that actually there is someone more boring and desperate than them. Him.
 

jarrod248

LE
Gallery Guru
#10
The_Iron I've not met you but I think you are getting on now, retiring soon, you'll be a burden. The loss of status will be hard to cope with, your mood will get low, you'll turn to drink or drugs, end up on the streets. It always happens, think of your future misery and end it all now.
 
#12
I know this isn't strictly Samaritans and it's an oldish joke but makes me chuckleb

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.


If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 999.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try and call again in a few minutes.
If you have short term memory loss, please try and call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
 
#14
I know this isn't strictly Samaritans and it's an oldish joke but makes me chuckleb

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.


If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 999.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try and call again in a few minutes.
If you have short term memory loss, please try and call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
08457909090. Read and inwardly digest,you may need it soon.
 
#16
If I worked for the Samaritans, I'd always advise anyone thinking of suicide to go and have a good shit.

I always feel a lot better after taking a good shit.
 
#19
With Whet as the operator it might go something like this:


Caller: "I'm going to throw myself off a bridge if I don't get help soon"

Operator: "Don't worry, calm down - help will be with you soon"

Caller: "Please hurry.

Operator: "Now, what sex are you? Male, female, homosexual, lesbian or transgendered?"

Caller: "Normal for Christ's sake - do I sound like a perv? Please, please hurry"

Operator: "Now, Sir. I can't help you if you don't co-operate. And I don't like your swipe at alternative lifestyles or the fact that you are asserting the Christian faith"

Caller: "Are you insane?"

Operator: "I'll terminate this call if I hear any more offensive remarks. Now, what race are you?"

Caller: "Well you can rule the Mohawks out Einstein - they're comfortable with heights, even when pissed out of their brains and I'm here shitting bricks on the top of the Severn Bridge. What does it fucking matter?"

Operator: "Last warning. Einstein was imperialistic, racist, white, middle-class and doesn't sit well with our values at all. And I don't like your insuation that native Americans drink! And to answer your question we are obliged to provide statistics to demonstrate that suicide is distibuted fairly amongst our diverse population. And lastly its an offence to foul the city and not clear it up"

Caller: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. Thud"
 
#20
5Alpha actually used to be a Samaritan. On his first night he had five suicides.

Three of them were wrong numbers.
 

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