Frankly I've had enough of this homage to physical fitness and dogged sportsmanship that is currently being shamelessly dragged through the nations very being 'cause of some mamby pamby houtie toitty amateur athletic gig that has grown too big for its boots. As self appointed Sports Prevention Officer I have considered this situation to be a national disgrace and seek to redress the balance. to that end, because I;m also inherantly lazy I thought what about an Arrse Naafi Olympiad Type Thing, sort of like the Chap Olympiad, but without the gentile pastimes they indulge in. Now being of limited imagination due to be being droppped on the head at birth, force fed aubergines until joining up and then battering my brain cells with alcohol incesantly for 9 years I have come up with the following events; - Chain Smoking Dash, quickest to smoke 20 superkings of dubious quality whilst sober - Office Chair Joust; teams of two, one pushing, one sitting holding broom handle and metal dustbin lid as shield, charging towards each other down a length of highly polished lino - sobriety optional. - Spoons (mandatory) - Musical Slaps; to be organised into weight classes as thus - Asparagus Tarzan, Terminator (must not be able to exceed 5 push ups), Naafi Regular, Rugby Club warrior, and RAF Driver/Chef/Techie (Super Heavy Weight) - Speed Drinking; Pint of Tizer through a gasperator drinking straw But I need more. Can you help this fine country get its naggers back?