The Arrse MP

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by bobath, Oct 19, 2007.

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  1. Right, inspired by another thread I've had an idea.

    It costs £8,000 to run for parliment. £8,000 I don't have. Now I would really like to get on that sweet, sweet gravy train so here's the deal.

    Arrsers can chip in and sponser me to run. I'll find a nice safe seat up for contention, pretend to be in that party and run for it. I live in Kent so I can claim outlandish travel expenses if my constituancey is in the North or Scotland, I don't mind.

    We will then have a tame MP. I'll ask any questions you like at PMQ, raise any private members bills and generaly muck about.

    Here's the best bit, jobs for the boys. Some of you are out, or are thinking of leaving. I'll set up QANGO's for you to leech off. Give you cushy jobs in my department. Let you shag all the secretaries you want.

    The way I see it we have served this country well, it's about time it served us back. VOTE BOBATH, FOR A COMFY LIFE, for me anyway.

    I'll start he bidding at 10 quid.
     
  2. I’m in on that.

    Can you deduct my donation of £10 incrementally from my salary once you give me that plum job... after you get elected?
     
  3. Don't worry, if you get enough votes you get the cash back. So I will of course repay everyone. I'm getting the hang of this politician lark.

    Now stump up, tight-wad, or are you a Scotsman?
     
  4. Will that be the full amount less handling fee, corporation tax and administration fees or a derisory percentage?
     
  5. NI contribution, VAT and the standard bribe. Thank you.

    You should receive your 4p back in 6 to 8 years.
     
  6. If you need a researcher let me know, I'll be happy to spend an hour or so googling and printing. Mid morning would be about the best time, lets say...three days a week?
    I will need an attractive young assistant and an expense account on top of salary.

    I can also eliminate political opponents and silence awkward journos and pest constituents but that will have to be on a strictly cash basis.
     
  7. I'll volunteer to be your electoral agent. I can find you a nice cushy constituency in the far north of Scotland (don't worry you'll never have to visit it, just submit the claim forms). That way, I can print up a standard response form that denies responsibility for any issue as it's 'a devolved matter'. See, I've slashed your workload already!

    Salary would obviously need to compensate me for the many hours I'd be expected to put in each year on vital matters of Parliamentary importance, such as making sure we're never prised from the trough. Expense Allowance should be sufficent to cover my various outgoings; bribes, vicous beatings for opponents, rabble-rousing; free pot noodles and badly-spelled tattoos for the electorate; and the vital 'strategy sessions' for which we'll need to book the whole of the Pink Pussycat in Lower Regent Street.
     
  8. The way things are going you might be better seeking election to the European Parliament.

    Benefits include:

    Even more money.
    More generous travel and living allowances.
    Less public scrutiny.
    Greater annonymity.
    Almost no contact with your constituents.
    No obligation to do any kind of work at all.
    A wider range of contacts for corrrupt deals across Europe.
    Unlimited opportunities to bait and antagonise foreigners once you have adequately feathered your own nest.
    A nice flat in Brussels - only a few hours first class travel from Paris, Amsterdam or London allowing potential for unlimited debauchery.
    You will be close to the real centre of power and not a provincial backwater like Westminster.
     
  9. nice idea John, but if I'm in Westminster I might actully try and do some good (time permiting).

    So far I have a staff of three. Its not enough. Carrots I like your thinking, get on that right now, hire anybody you need. If they don't actually exsist we can split their pay and expenses.

    If you can make my constituency somewere pretty, on the coast, that will make a nice holiday home all the better.
     
  10. Holiday home, eh? Right, that'll be Mortgage Allowance and relocation expenses for a start. By the way the nominal roll of your staff now reads fifteen. All with appropriate remuneration, of course.
     
  11. I'll be your PA. I'd like to see how many different (obviously polite!) ways I can tell people to fark orff and stop wasting your time each day. O b v i o u s l y I too require a mahoosive expense account, but in return I will ensure that you claim (and receive) the maximum possible allowances!
     
  12. We need to start planning ahead for lucrative directorships, a weekly column in some Fleet Street rag, consultancies and a foot in the door of the Arms Trade.
    An MPs salary is all well and good but it only goes so far...
     
  13. This holiday home is going to need looking after.leave it to me , I'll make sure the plasma screen is kept clean, the fridge is always full of beers, the swimming pool is clean, beds are made, clean sheets ( sorry about that , but I can get rid of the stains)
    Should be about 50 hours a week plus travel and expenses.
    Oh by the way can you give me at least 3 days notice, if you're going to visit.
    cheers easy.
     
  14. There's a bloke I know in the Pub who swears blind he's got an ISO container full of only slightly dodgy white canes. £250 for the lot. Get me the dosh and I'll dish 'em out in your constituency for £25 a throw. Splitting the proceeds should square us both away. Proper MP behaviour.

    BOBATH - FRIEND OF THE BLIND....HONEST.
     
  15. I take it I would be in line for a peerage, or a knighthood, if I bung you the £10.

    I am not suggesting that this corruption goes on at present, but .......