The ARRSE Manifesto

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by SeanGoesPop, Jan 29, 2008.

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  1. If ARRSE would become a political party, what would it's manifesto be?

    Being in the naafi, anything goes I suppose. :wink:
  2. I don't know about the manifesto, but it'd be one hell of a party :)

    I'll drink to that.
  3. I agree, the party would begin after selected Arrsers cut out the tounges of present MPs and banished them to Scotland for whom they have done so much...Sorry, Jocks but needs must and all that.
  4. It would no doubt be full of the following no matter what the manifesto:

    Some intelligent people - Current affairs & News
    Some who are and some who think they are intelligent - Intelligence Cell.
    Know it alls - Officers
    Some who do KNOW it all - S/nco's
    Some who have FORGOTTEN more than the above WILL ever know - J/Nco's.
    Some who if it's NOT known - it ain't WORTH knowing - J/Ranks.
    Some Liars cheats & Thieves - QM and MT section.
    Some Liars, cheats, thieves, chavs, bullies, gays, lezzers, plebs, walts, wankers, dorks, dicks, twats, - NAAFI Bar.

    Oh wait... I think I've just described the Labour Party.
    . :D :)
  5. Lots of skiffing - shagging and Fucking Wanking - arrse orgy basically
  6. Ah, Ye Olde Arrse Manifesto... Done often, always loved.

    I fancy a go at this (again) and so submit this, my manifesto for a Greater Britain.


    a. Mandatory death sentence for Paedophiles, rapists and murderers.
    b. Prison would be a punishment, not a holiday. No PlayStations, TV/DVDs, snooker tables or days out.
    c. Life would mean life.
    d. Causing death by drink driving and the like would be considered murder. Death by dangerous driving and suchlike would be a life sentence.
    e. No time off for good behaviour. Extra time added for bad behaviour.
    f. Suing people for ‘embarrassment’ would be outlawed. All claims against people for damages should truly reflect the losses incurred. Criminals lose any right to sue for damages from the victim of the crime, regardless of who came out worse.
    g. Homeowners have the right to defend their property in whatever way they see fit. However, if an innocent person (delivery person/passer-by etc) is killed or injured then the full power of the law shall come down on the homeowner.
    h. Police to have a reduced amount of paperwork caused by each arrest to enable them to get back on patrol.
    i. More Police foot patrols in built up areas.

    2. DEFENCE:

    a. SofS, Min AF etc must have served at least 15 years in any of the Armed Forces.
    b. 15% pay rise for all ranks.
    c. Interest free mortgage for all personnel wishing to purchase a house. Mortgage dependant on serving 22 years, or repaid in full before discharge is authorised. Outstanding balance on discharge at 22 years to be deducted from the pension in monthly instalments.
    d. Minimum service for recruits - 5 years from 18th birthday, or start of Phase 2 training (whichever is the later).
    e. Procurement system re-vamped. Service personnel, not civilians should decide what is needed, and the specs for equipment. No payout to the firms until the equipment is in service.


    a. Only people who have a trade that is required in the UK will be admitted.
    b. Only immediate family (spouse and up to 3 children) will be allowed to accompany head of household.
    c. Any criminal act will result in immediate deportation upon conviction.
    d. All immigrants must surrender their old passport and swear allegiance to the Crown. They are also required to undertake a series of courses followed by a test to help them integrate into British Community. This to be done within 6 months of arrival in UK. Failure to attend/pass will result in immediate deportation. All costs of the courses/tests to be payable by the immigrant (in advance).


    a. All school children will wear a school uniform.
    b. School will begin at 0800hrs and finish at 1700hrs.
    c. All children will be taught in English.
    d. Mandatory subjects will include – Maths, English Language, British History, Physical Education, geography, home care (cooking, sewing, cleaning etc), one other language and basic economics. Other subjects will be by choice at the age of 13.


    a. Road tax to be abolished. Tax added to fuel so that heavy users pay more than light users.
    b. From the age of 65 all drivers must face a test every year. Failure on re-test to result in permanent driving ban.
    c. Motorway speeds to be increased to 90mph (lower variable speed limits as required).
    d. Speed cameras only to be employed on certified accident blackspots. All proceeds from fines to be put back into transport system.
    e. Increased mobile Police traffic patrols.
    f. All drivers to display a certificate (like a tax disk) in the windscreen advertising the fact that they have insurance.
    g. Driving with no insurance/MOT/Licence to attract an immediate 5 year ban (to follow the sentence for any other crime). The car is to be sold at auction to offset the court costs. If the car is of no value it is to be crushed.
    h. Bus and train operators to face fines for poor service, late running (unless proved beyond their control), extreme numbers of complaints and poor quality of vehicles.

    5. HEALTH

    a. No NHS Doctor may treat private patients in NHS property. Any private patient must be treated outside of normal hours.
    b. Only people who have paid National Insurance can receive any medical treatment outside of emergency life saving. The cost of emergency treatment is to be billed to the country of origin if no insurance is held.
    c. Health tourism on NHS to stop. Only if the full costs of treatment (privately) are paid in advance may non-UK residents come into the country for treatment. NHS facilities are not to be used.
    d. All patients over the age of 80 are not to be resuscitated. This is for the good of the nation, and the individual.
    e. Euthanasia will be legalised. The checks are to include at least two consultants, and a lawyer.
    f. Any underage pregnancies are to be reported to the Police. The father is to be charged. Housing will not be awarded to those under 18 who fall pregnant, unless in a full time relationship with one parent working.
    g. Organ Donation will be compulsory unless opted out for religious reasons.
    h. Patients in a Persistent Vegetative State are not to be kept alive, except for reasons of organ donation.


    a. MPs to be paid only for the time they work.
    b. Any MP convicted of a criminal offence is to be sacked, and a by-election is to take place within 6 weeks.
    c. House of Lords to be abolished.
  7. Obviously Arrse party will win with an over whelming majority.
    the only thing to add is for operation Reclaim to start one week after the election.
    This will be the claiming back of all assets of members of New Liarber whilst they were in office ,.
    First in line the be checked will be B. Liar and Prescott. That should result in a good few millions to help the defence bill.
  8. Ord_Sgt

    Ord_Sgt RIP

    You started well then got into the realms of just plain barking. But I suppose it is the NAAFI.
  9. This wouldn't be as in Grosster Britanien, would it? :D

    Liked most of it, though.
  10. Im with legs bar a few changes. I would also like to add that the country's policing should be handed over to the army once a year for 1 week.
  11. Gets my vote! Would add that police get some sort of immunity from prosecution for "vigerous aprehension of fleeing / resisting criminals," and the right to exercise common sense. Common sense training could become ingrained through the reformed education system.

  12. Legs for PM!

    Could we maybe add something to dispel of/ban blinged up burberry wearing chavscum somehow? Or at least find them a homeland (aka a remote McDonalds car park secured by razorwire and armed obs posts) for them to convene to collectively nod their heads to absurdly loud building shaking music, while crammed into their mates knackered Nova?

    'Oh my god, innit' is that what they say?
  13. I like it.
    I think I will vote for it.
    What of A Levels?
    I think it should be included that under no circumstances should an 18 year old English Literature student be told how to write an essay in the complete waste of time that is Key Skills; Communication Level 3.
    Also less of the trips to theme parks for the waste of spaces in school.
    The ones who through bricks through windows and get away with it.
    And when a child reaches a certain weight, they should be taken away from the parents and receive, 'treatment', until they are able to walk to the fridge again
  14. The political parties have dispensed with manifesto writing, they all use the same one now. Here it is:

    The Universal Manifesto (To Cut and Paste)

    Should we be elected.
    We intend to cut taxes, as soon as we have cut spending!
    We will guarantee the farmer a fair price for his produce!
    We will look into land reform!
    Pensions will of course, be safe with us!
    We will look after the environment!
    Without ever becoming uncompetitive!
    And we intend to build more hospitals!
    The poor, the homeless and minorities will be showered with gold!
    Cartels will be smashed!
    Globalisation will be on top of our agenda!
    And the ship of state will be in safe hands at last!
    Of course, before we can tackle any of these issues, there is one over-riding priority.
    Our own greed and self interest!
  15. Whilst I quite liked some of the earlier manifestos I feel that I can speak with confidence on behalf not only of the silent majority but also community leaders of every creed and belief in our all inclusive nation, when I say;

    The way forward is to look to the past

    We must all realise that lessons must, have been, and willalways be learned.

    We must exclude those who would disrupt our inclusive society.

    Clear and transparent targets must be set for all areas of public life to constrain those who would abuse their authority, whilst at the same time empowering those who would think the unthinkable outside the box to work for change to maintain the same way of life we have all grown to love.

    We must never be afraid to, try, fail, move on and draw a line under it

    Finally we must not quote the "Cernunnos Memorandum" outside of these walls.(Note to publisher leave this last paragraph offDeputy leader)