The ARRSE Geese

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Vegetius, Oct 9, 2005.

Welcome to the Army Rumour Service, ARRSE

The UK's largest and busiest UNofficial military website.

The heart of the site is the forum area, including:

  1. Hello warriors of fortune!

    Recently watched, with a mate, a back-to-back movie fest that consisted of:

    The Wild Geese


    Who Dares Wins

    It took quite a lot of drink to get through the last one, to be honest.

    Anyway, imagine we are setting up an ARRSE mercenary company to liberate the tiny country of Dirka Dirkastan from the evil dictator General Xorg as part of a CIA deniable operation. I am currently recruiting, but I need to know:

    1. Your "Merc Name"

    2. Your previous experience (for example, Steven Segal was a Special Forces chef, right?)

    3. Your preferred weapon of choice to take out sentries (a la Hardy Kruger's crossbow)

    4. Your daily rate in $US

    5. Your hobbies, pastimes and any pets

    6. Phobias or weaknesses (a la Mr. T and aeroplanes)

    7. Anything else we really need to know, including warry outfit (DPM tutu, pink rubber forgman's outfit, you know the drill)

    I'm currently flying a Dakota with Julius Limbani onboard into the airport with a shot-up foot and a Monte Cristo No.4 clenched between my teeth. When I'm done I will choose the best mercs and post the next part of the mission. The poorest entry gets asked, at gunpoint, what colour the boathouse is.

    "Emile! Emile!"


    Edit: FFS I forgot to do mine!

    1. Sergeant Charles "Charlie" Charles.

    2. Six years performing top cover with a sawn-off with the 15th Mobile Laundry & Bathing Unit, RCT, Aden. Later served with the Norwich Mutual Insurance Company as their Man In Africa. TA Camel Corps and Long Range Recce, Jordan. Known as "Charlie Pasha."

    3. Depends. Pub ashtray for close work, Vickers Gun when feeling subtle, sawn-off for everything else.

    4. Is doing it for Tescos "Computers for Schools" vouchers and Air Miles.

    5. Gardening, knitting tank-tops, bell-ringing, Middle-Eastern counter-insurgency with specific operational focus on mobile laundry and camels. Owns three camels (one armoured) and a spitting llama.

    6. Dirty undergarments, body odour, large Turkish masseurs called Khalid carrying quart containers of vaseline.

    7. Goes to war wearing solar topee, SF-porno tache, perma-tan and string vest. Has that fag-stain on his inside fingers that old squaddies always have.
  2. 1. orificehunter
    2. Artillery Special (mlaar) ops
    3. blunt spoon or a pipe
    4. 200
    5. cycling, cats
    6. Loud noises
    7. Specialises in cross dressing, naked gun positions, and pipe smoking
  3. 1.Mark Thatcher
    2.I also cook
    3.My questionable hygiene
    4.10 bob and a blood orange
    5.cycling over cats
    6.I have a fear of being scared
    7.Smuggling things badly.
  4. 1. Deadwood (something to do with how useful I am apparently)
    2. I trained under Sean Bean's character in Ronin ("There's jam everywhere man, did you see it?")
    3. My nasal voice, which clears rooms better than a bagful of grenades.
    4. My Thailand rate? Including ping-pong balls?
    5. I am trying to master the deadly creature that is the Koala Bear, which by a quirk of fate is also my pet.
    6. loud noises, Koala Bears and small "Wild Geese" style mercenary tasks.
    7. I believe that the most tactically sound outfit these days is a white shellsuit with red piping and a nice hood (breaks up the shape).

    Well am I in?
  5. 1. Gaz Bitson

    2. CTW team leader before retiring. Worked as an 'adviser' in Sri Lanka, before heading to 'Ghan in '01 to manage a CP outfit.

    3. Sykes-Fairburn (in a leather holster).

    4. 450

    5. PT, havin' a brew with the locals and yabbiting in their lingo. Pets are for poofs.

    6. I don't like the water, cos I don't like not being able to see the fcukers coming. I fcuking hate sharks.

    7. I don't like working with Yanks cos they are unreliable and get too worked up. I don't like having to live with South Africans, cos they are fcuking rude. But at least they aren't poofs.
  6. 1. Misty Scotch
    2. SF midwife (didn't you know they needed them?). Delivered hundreds of SF babies in places I can't talk about.
    3. My fingers
    4. $10 (love you long time)
    5. Running, learning obscure languages, cats
    6. Phobia : spiders ; Weakness : a man wearing a kilt, a pinkie ring and who has a hairy belly (mmmmmm)
    7. Would have to be wearing the blue zip up nursing dress. Stockings optional.
  7. 1. Rat Masters

    2. Bridges, bombs and stuff.

    3. Carl Gustav

    4. 250 plus 'expenses'

    5. Internet questionaires and Porn sites

    6. Chicks with dicks

    7. Burberry jumpsuit

    *checks* nope.. 5 and 6 ARE the right way round... Carry on...
  8. 1. v1n
    2. 3 years in the Scouts corps, inc advanced fieldcraft + brownie fingerin
    3. MP5-SD3 with green laser, grenade launcher, GPS navigation, range finder, flashlight and swiss army knife bayonet fixture
    5.Hobbies: knife sharpening, gardening, furious masturbation, reading trashy tom clancy novels, souvenirs from eye-rack
    pets: the skeleton of a hamster with the skeleton of a goldfish
    6.Phobias: spiders, leeches, islamic fundamentalism,
    7.Prone to random gaseous expulsion. Get very silly after the 2nd lager shandy. Battle dress includes pixelated DPM undergarments, shooting club cap + cheap arse shades, highly polished dogtags, "Vietnam SOG" tatoo on chest and arms, faded combat 95's with custom sown ammo pockets for individual rounds

    HOOAH :twisted:
  9. A fine choice of Sunday viewing Vegetable man.

    Sandy is possibly the hardest RSM ever.......... I get a bead of precum appearing when I picturing him saying 'And if you wanna see a real revolution.... try and stop me'

    I've no time to think about this post, I'm going to watch it and bug fcuk out of the Mrs by saying out loud every single word to it :D
  10. I can do MDN's for him

    1. Major B. Loater

    2. Bosnian Patissery executer

    3. One of those sweet dispensers with the floppy heads shaped like a frog

    4. $US40.00 per day or double whatever the dole money is at the time

    5. Eating, scoffing, munching, cottaging and felching. Used to have a dog but shot it in order to eat

    6. Pastry

    7. I dream of being told "I'm your daddy now" by Ray Winston. He makes me leak fluids.

    That should get the ball rolling :)
  11. And in return I'll do Aunties

    1. Barry (not the cool guy from Choppersquad, the one from Aufwhedersehn pet)

    2. Closed down the West Bromwich and District aqua lung society after finding a discrepency in the book keeping

    3. Anything thats not to heavy or hurts your shoulder.

    4. Payment in ladyboy vouchers for RnR in Bangkok

    5. Hobbies, include murdering kids pets, torching own eyelids / brows

    6. Weakness, include, upper body, inability to walk past an ice cream van and looks camper than Witty from Wild Geese

    7. Ideal for operations in Romania and Albania, he dresses like a refugee :D
  12. 1. Ray Buffo

    2. Made a covert insertion into Ditchling childrens' zoo and strangled three chinchillas and their prize rabbit, Mr Snuffles.

    3. Garrotte made from a kettle lead.

    4. Anything that exceeds Level 7 in current payband...(don't ask, unless you want your ears bled all night)

    5. Shrewd and calculating gambler. Usually to be found in the most exclusive venues, such as the queue for scratch cards in the Eastney Spar.

    6. A deep and abiding weakness for the ladies, especially ones whose mental state precludes them from knowing better.

    7. Contact me via the Cumberland pub in Portsmouth. Play it cool, and simply ask for the "Man with the perm"....
  13. 1. Mule Skinner

    2. after a career of undercover "wet" work has now retired to Surrey and runs a "big slavvering mahoosive headed game reserve" to keep his skills in.

    3. for close work a teflon coated ice cream cone , for longer range stuff my custom built parker hale with skiff coated rounds.... smell the fear.

    4. if the jobs right i'll do it for the fun of it.

    5. apart from the obvious mong hunting, i also relax by listening to MC hammer and perfecting my moves.

    6. i've stared into the slightly confused eyes of a charging 400 pound enraged mong wearing my mirrored suit and carrying a tub of haagen daaz ..
    i know no fear.

    7. i can fart at ultrasonic frequencies to incapacitate guard dogs, and have an up to date passport.
  14. 1) Labrat (see, theres imagination for you)

    2) Several years infrequently mixed between running around in lightweights looking warry, drinking immense amounts of nato standard whilst twiddling with the knobs on a clansman and repeating "broadsword this is danny boy" whilst working undercover during the week in a laboratory - so, my CV entry should therefore be 10 years in the SAS

    3) Sryinge full of Ketamine and a De Lisle carbine

    4) ketamine supply for the above mentioned Sryinge

    5) habitual compulsive masturbation problem - I need to masturbate at least ten times a day, more in the bush - not too much of a problem, but I'd advise you not to shake my hand when I've been out on one of my regular shovel recce's

    6) Women - I always become emotionally attached to a vulnerable but beautiful looking woman in any operation, and will act unpredictably under contact in an unsucessful attempt to save her from being shot by the enemy. Frequently this may result in the operation being compromised or loss of one our own troops - generally the one who was about to pack it all in and get married when he goes home, and has just shown me his girlfriends photo.

    Obviously this isnt good for unit cohesion, but should help us to sell the movie rights to the operation.

    7) whilst able to gonk anywhere, my snoring can be used to fool the enemy into thinking that we're armed with the cannon off a A10 Warthog