The ARRSE Christmas Pantomime casting call

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#1
Yeah, I know. It is June and Christmas is ages away. But a fucking pantomime does not arrange itself, does it?

So, in association with our sponsors IBA Defense & Supporters Christmas Pantomime | Facebook

We are calling for talented artistes.

Fairies, both ends of our Pantomime Pony, Ogres, fair maidens and spear holders who can stand still for half an hour without clawing at their crack or shitting into the stove.

Birds without many clothes. We'll need them. And anyone who can wire our leccy to a lamp post without the Council lads spotting it.

And The Widow Twanky. I feel this part has been cast, but feel free to jump in if you think you can out-jarrod The Widow.
 
#2
Yeah, I know. It is June and Christmas is ages away. But a fucking pantomime does not arrange itself, does it?

So, in association with our sponsors IBA Defense & Supporters Christmas Pantomime | Facebook

We are calling for talented artistes.

Fairies, both ends of our Pantomime Pony, Ogres, fair maidens and spear holders who can stand still for half an hour without clawing at their crack or shitting into the stove.

Birds without many clothes. We'll need them. And anyone who can wire our leccy to a lamp post without the Council lads spotting it.

And The Widow Twanky. I feel this part has been cast, but feel free to jump in if you think you can out-jarrod The Widow.
I can help with casting if people want to audition for me.
 
#4
#5
I can be Grumpy. (other people of small stature available)
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#6
I can be Grumpy. (other people of small stature available)
Nah, see, that is not how it works.

We have a list. My sister has the list. If you are not on the list you might as well fuck off now. In order to get on the list you have to say something really nice about my sister. Even if you are short, Welsh and ugly and we are in desperate need of dwarves.

Sorry, but that's Show-Biz.
 
#7
Oh oh oh I want to be Prince Charming, please please please. I'm not good looking or owt, but have a wicked stage name I want to use...Gavin St. James.

Shall I get my agent to touch base with your agent?
 
#8
Nah, see, that is not how it works.

We have a list. My sister has the list. If you are not on the list you might as well fuck off now. In order to get on the list you have to say something really nice about my sister. Even if you are short, Welsh and ugly and we are in desperate need of dwarves.

Sorry, but that's Show-Biz.
Your sister gives amazing blow jobs, Ugly told me so.
 
#9
Will give up my valuable time as a barrier lifter.
 
#10
I'd like to volunteer my services for any roles with dash or élan, I have a very pretty face and I'd shag both the ugly sisters too cos I'm dedicated to art.
 
#11
Your sister gives amazing blow jobs, Ugly told me so.
His sister is about to harsh font you if you are not careful, young man.

I have the final vote. Bear that in mind.

Oh, and if your name's not down, you're not coming in.
 

TheIronDuke

ADC
Book Reviewer
#12
Your sister gives amazing blow jobs, Ugly told me so.
Smashing. That's the ferocious mad eyed dwarf with a knee-chopping axe sorted. Thanks, Gimli.

Now. Anybody know a boy with firm thighs who can look good in tights and pretend to be a girl? Will be rated on thigh-slapping skills. And being nice to my sister.
 
#13
I'd like to volunteer my services for any roles with dash or élan, I have a very pretty face and I'd shag both the ugly sisters too cos I'm dedicated to art.
Okay you get prince charming..but the stage names mine!!!

P.S. I think TID's sister is ace and is the very embodiment of a modern Julie Andrews, especially when she dresses up as a Fraulein complete with cardy and guitar and runs barefoot through the hills.
 
#15
Can we nominate Cold Coalition, he has a penchant for back alleys in Brighton.
 
#16
Nah, see, that is not how it works.

We have a list. My sister has the list. If you are not on the list you might as well fuck off now. In order to get on the list you have to say something really nice about my sister. Even if you are short, Welsh and ugly and we are in desperate need of dwarves.

Sorry, but that's Show-Biz.

erm....geee...ok, something nice about your sister.....................


...........no wait, its coming.......................................


......just.............................................................

.....she had a nice dog?
 
#17
erm....geee...ok, something nice about your sister.....................


...........no wait, its coming.......................................


......just.............................................................

.....she had a nice dog?
Do you want to be on the audition part of the Chippendale bit with me or not? I don't mean furniture.

Sorry Bro - didn't tell you about that bit.
 
#19
Bagsy the back half of the pony. SWMBO reckons I'm no end of an ass, so I'd like to prove her wrong, sort of.

I'm not having a vegetarian as the front half though, I can do without that level of aromatic farts thank you very much.

Edit: Obviously the front half must be female, so I've got something to molest, errm, hang onto.
 
#20
If they're doing 'Cock and the Beanstalk' you're a shoo-in.

Every story needs a hero :)

Have you considered a part for grumpy? A moany old git with slight sexual frustration would be perfect.
 

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