The ARRSE Christmas Pantomime casting call

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by TheIronDuke, Jun 25, 2012.

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  1. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Yeah, I know. It is June and Christmas is ages away. But a fucking pantomime does not arrange itself, does it?

    So, in association with our sponsors IBA Defense & Supporters Christmas Pantomime | Facebook

    We are calling for talented artistes.

    Fairies, both ends of our Pantomime Pony, Ogres, fair maidens and spear holders who can stand still for half an hour without clawing at their crack or shitting into the stove.

    Birds without many clothes. We'll need them. And anyone who can wire our leccy to a lamp post without the Council lads spotting it.

    And The Widow Twanky. I feel this part has been cast, but feel free to jump in if you think you can out-jarrod The Widow.
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  2. I can help with casting if people want to audition for me.
  3. Can i be both of the ugly sisters??
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  4. You're not on the casting list yet young lady.
  5. I can be Grumpy. (other people of small stature available)
  6. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Nah, see, that is not how it works.

    We have a list. My sister has the list. If you are not on the list you might as well fuck off now. In order to get on the list you have to say something really nice about my sister. Even if you are short, Welsh and ugly and we are in desperate need of dwarves.

    Sorry, but that's Show-Biz.
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  7. Oh oh oh I want to be Prince Charming, please please please. I'm not good looking or owt, but have a wicked stage name I want to use...Gavin St. James.

    Shall I get my agent to touch base with your agent?
  8. Your sister gives amazing blow jobs, Ugly told me so.
  9. Will give up my valuable time as a barrier lifter.
  10. I'd like to volunteer my services for any roles with dash or élan, I have a very pretty face and I'd shag both the ugly sisters too cos I'm dedicated to art.
  11. His sister is about to harsh font you if you are not careful, young man.

    I have the final vote. Bear that in mind.

    Oh, and if your name's not down, you're not coming in.
  12. TheIronDuke

    TheIronDuke LE Book Reviewer

    Smashing. That's the ferocious mad eyed dwarf with a knee-chopping axe sorted. Thanks, Gimli.

    Now. Anybody know a boy with firm thighs who can look good in tights and pretend to be a girl? Will be rated on thigh-slapping skills. And being nice to my sister.
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  13. Okay you get prince charming..but the stage names mine!!!

    P.S. I think TID's sister is ace and is the very embodiment of a modern Julie Andrews, especially when she dresses up as a Fraulein complete with cardy and guitar and runs barefoot through the hills.
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  14. Sixty

    Sixty LE Moderator Book Reviewer
    1. ARRSE Cyclists and Triathletes

    If they're doing 'Cock and the Beanstalk' you're a shoo-in.
    • Like Like x 2
  15. Can we nominate Cold Coalition, he has a penchant for back alleys in Brighton.