The Adventures of Johnny Foreigner!

Through reading through a lot of the posts and a lot of the Forums it seems people are - quite rightly - a bit peeved about the Immigration/Asylum system… (Some Mod type may think this is best placed in different Forum - it is factual, but does slip into the irreverent at times!)

So I thought it might be useful/inflammatory to give people an insight into how the system (if it can be called a system) works….. this is as of 1999 when I ceased to be involved with I.S.

Please feel free, nay invited, to butt in whenever the urge takes you....

Johnny Foreigner (henceforth referred to as JF) decides he has had enough of his homeland and wishes to move on to pastures new. The reasons for this can be many: a wish to travel and expand his horizons (unlikely). Or being sick of scraping a meagre living together in a dirty hovel making shoes for some rich tosser abroad (nail on head). Tired of some b*stard with a bad moustache attaching electrical currents to his genitals and asking where the – insert suitable local splinter group – have hidden the weapons (again, unlikely).
So what you have in the majority of cases is simple economic migrancy and the sooner the press, lefties, do-gooders etc recognise this the better.
There is a strict guideline in the Convention as to what constitutes a legitimate refugee – involving fleeing persecution/hardship on the grounds of race, religion, political belief and sexuality* (see below). IT DOES NOT include just being tired of milking giraffe’s for tuppence a week!

The strict guideline brings us on to the next stage – a facilitator. JF doesn’t undertake this task alone, which would be beyond him. So they go to a man, who knows a man etc. Some (not many) try to get fake or fraudulent visa’s – or use fake passports (normally of poor quality) which ARE, contrary to belief, normally spotted.
The first try – can be to sneak in as a visitor, and just not go home. But these are normally rumbled at the airport and the person is refused entry and arrangements made to send them home. But that matters not a jot – because JF has a final trick up his sleeve, a real humdinger, he can claim asylum.

Part of the ‘package’ from the facilitator (who will often be working in a ‘racket’ with Legal Aid lawyers in the UK) is a brief guide to the asylum system – the sort of story to tell, elements to include etc. JF is also told to pass his passport, tickets and any documentation to the ‘facilitator, onboard the plane…. Failing this he is to destroy them or dispose of them in some way.

The reasons for destroying them are simple. JF is claiming asylum – he is in genuine (cough, splutter, cough) fear of his life and on the run from his homeland; therefore he should claim asylum in the first country he comes to that is safe/civilised (call it what you will). But JF really wants to get to UK as he has heard the streets are paved with gold and he can get a nice car
– but if Imm’ Service find him with tickets from Islamabad via Hamburg, to London – then why didn’t he claim in Germany! And a mechanism is in place – if UKIS can prove it – to pack JF back to Hamburg….. so he destroy records of where he has been etc.

Ok – didn’t have time to finish it – more of the adventures of JF after a tea break……
So via one means or another JF turns up on UK shores/airport. Whether he has fake documents, or tries to get in as a visitor or just brazenly asks upfront - JF claims asylum.

On any given day at Heathrow (just one of the terminals) there could be between 6 and 20 people claiming asylum.
It's more than likely that JF has no ID and so gives his name and DoB as whatever he wishes and I.S have no way of knowing. At this time any bags will be searched (an oh so pleasant task) - but it can sometimes yield baggage tags from a 'safe' country and so can mean JF is returnable to say, Italy.

JF is fingerprinted and photographed and then - manpower permitting - JF is interviewed right there and then about his reasons for needing asylum. These interviews are most often via an interpreter, are under PACE guidelines, form the basis for JF's claim and can last between an hour to 3 hours or so. Interestingly enough - they most often have a legal aid representative arranged to meet them at the airport - so what does that tell you!!

These interviews about the basis for asylum follow a set format - up to a point - and trying to get as much detail and specifics out of JF as possible - but also to back track and get them to contradict themself. Easy enough done as they are rarely recounting actual experiences and are making it up on the spot - give JF enough story-telling rope and they will hang themself.

So - to recap - JF has left "Bum Fcuk - Egypt", got on a plane/boat and ended up in UK. Been interviewed, photographed, f'printed, and possibly met his legal rep...... what now.

Ideally we would detain JF in a nice place like Haslar, and fast track their claim - but there are so many there are not enough spaces. So JF is given a document (SAL) which contains his photo and fingerprints and is made out in the name & DoB JF supplied (which could well be bogus). And this is the magic form that entitles JF to benefits - full and extensive benefits, because they are, after all, in fear of their life and have had a traumatic experience(s). Armed with this form JF marches bravely out into ol' Blighty and begins his life anew.

The asylum directorate will taken between 6months (rarely) and 2-5 years to be able to process this claim due to the constant delays and calls for Judicial Review from the bloody legal reps - and I.S is rightly wary of the Judicial Review process (and legal aid knows it) because of the risk of setting a new legal precedent that could have horrendous repercussions.

Contrary to popular belief most claims are thrown out and refused; after extensive legal wrangling. (Damn those perfidious lawyers!)

But there is a world of difference bewteen refusing someone's claim and actually getting them out the country!

Time for more tea..... hope someone actually reads all this :?

Reading this and getting extremly annoyed that the legal sharks are ruling the roost for the ackers etc.

Exit in capital letters comes to mind and the PC brigade should join them as well, funny that they could not survive in the original country of the invaders, ( for the want of a better word, no thats right ) :evil:
An interesting NATO slant on your tale here PJ.

At least two of our NATO allies use their deployed forces to conduct Immigration Service casework in areas such as the Balkans and Afghanistan.

This includes conducting local interviews and database searches to validate the claimant's story. Their forces also providing local area background briefs to indicate to their national immigration service, when the conditions are right for these refugees to return. This includes liason with UN CA, OHR etc and local reps from their National NGOs, as well as returning to JFs individual houses to negotiate the original owners repatriation.

All in the name of reducing the welfare burden on those countries. Ten minutes ago I walked down Knightsbridge and was stopped for change by a 11 year old from Pristina. Our Army is still deployed in some parts of the world where a months benefit for one JF in Dover, would buy the whole familiy's house back freehold, and probably buy off the present occupants as well.

How many houses could you buy back in Pristina for the cost of a Yarl's Wood immigration centre?

( not many if you don't build sprinklers in)

<< Sure that isn't the Kesh??>>
This is not rocket science ~why can't we have a bit of joined up government here for a change??
A few asylum eye-openers - guaranteed to make the blood boil.....

*The fingerprinting of JF claimant is a relatively new thing. Prior to that it was just photographs. Fingerprints were taken after it was found out that JF was entering, claiming and getting benefits - leaving - coming back in again, new fake name, new documents, more benefits etc - repeat until rich! A flat was once found in Haringey with a Nigerian gentleman (*ahem) living there with 19 phonelines - each with a different name and each with extensive benefits claims. Names were taped to the phone to remind Mr Kodogo (name changed to protect the oppressed) which person he was meant to be upon answering that number!
{However the fingerprint system is not computerised and relies on being manually cross-matched - takes months. Ofcourse 9/11 may have changed that}.

*The French Gendarme caught giving the asylum seekers in Calais tickets to the Eurostar and helping them onto the train so they became a UK problem and were out of France.

*American Airlines in Miami feeding the flights from Uraguay, Paraguay and Colombia into special rooms so that they didnt see any immigration officer in Miami and could get the transfer flight onto London. This prevented them from claiming in the USA as they have to make the claim to a proper official - and this ensured that the first official they saw was in London!

*Substance of interviews - the core fabric of the claims for asylum are so completely laughable.
Example:No matter where they are really from the Chinese all claim to come from Fuijan. The reason for this is simple - there is a small Christian sect/community in that province - so they claim asylum on the basis of being represed for their Christian beliefs. (This also helps get Philippa and Tarquin Do-Gooder on their side). Funnily enough though - they cannot describe any of the relevant beliefs of Christianity, they just know to say they are Christian. Still takes ages for the claim to be refused - and then the kicker is that China will rarely take them back because we have no original documentation to prove that they are Chinese nationals!! So they go into Immigration limbo - but still live on in UK.

*Fcuking Polish (or Turkish) gypsies. The cnuts! These b*stards were just having a laugh, playing the system - and they knew it. They were always fast tracked cause the basis of their claims were - "the police peresecute me cause I am thieving gypsy b*stard", or the "local skin-heads dont like me." But even fast-tracked they would take 6 months to be removed - but in that time they worked illegally, saved the benefits and then were happily deported to Poland/Turkey where they would live like Kings for 6 months - before repeating the process. There were polish gypo's that had 5 or 6 (or 10) revolving claims like this to their record.

*Much the same were the Lithuanians. Some of their claims were hysterical. Often (certainly not a one off) was the late 30's/early 40's woman that would arrive with her whole family. And then the basis of her claim was that she had decided that she was - in fact - a lesbian; which led to her being persecuted (*cough) by the local non ploitically correct police.

*The cases of the young girls from Uraguay (or other intensely Catholic countries) that claim asylum just long enough to get their abortion on the NHS - and then retract it and go home.

*As mentioned - most claims are refused because they are bogus. The Immigration Officer knows right there and then when the scrote turns up off the plane that it is bogus. But the 'system' and those legal aid/amnesty international cnuts have made sure that it takes as long as possible to stamp it as 'refused'.
Then they dont sho up for the removal plane and disappear into the community. Or they do show up but kick, scream, spit, yell, piss themselves (i jest not) to prevent them being boarded onto a plane. And then even if they are man-handled as far as a plane - the pilot will refuse to carry them like that as they are as risk to him, his crew and the passengers.

Could go on and on - but the bottom is this - once JF sets foot on this countries soil he/she has won The current system and political will just will not shift him.
The only way to do it is to - as many countries are considering - is to send the Imm' Serv' abroad - and deal with the bloody claims before the little cnuts get on the plane! May cost a bit - but much cheaper in the long run.


Hope it helped give an understanding of the 'system' - and why it is a complete fcuking shambles.
subbsonic said:
An interesting NATO slant on your tale here PJ.

At least two of our NATO allies use their deployed forces to conduct Immigration Service casework in areas such as the Balkans and Afghanistan.
Indeed - at the time I was leaving I.S there were UK I.S staff dispatched to the Balkans in particular - working with UNHCR - to try to help alleviate matters.

The Balkans are a difficult one because there were real attrocities going on there - a lot of the refugees from that part of the globe will have been genuine. Am sure a few were not. Either way - given the instability of the region at the time - there was no move to return people to that area. Same with Iraq currently - even though the 'dictator' has been overthrown (replaced?) I dont see any chances of anyone being returned their given the current state of play. And dont take that to mean that they necessarily should be.

Afghanistan has been in such a continuous tumult since god knows when that is is generally recognised as a completeley lawless fcuk-up of a country and no-one is returned there.

I am not denying that the there are ares of the world where persectuion, torture, oppression etc are going on - but the striking irony is that not many of the genuine refugees are in a situation where they can get on a plane in the first place! Talk about an ass backwards system.
Thanks PJ..... I think we all knew it went on but it's nice to be proved right. All we need now is to have some politcos with some bollocks to put the right laws in place and stop you, me and everyone else getting ripped off. We are too busy spending taxes on these freeloaders (and the ones we've already got here..... the british citizens who are making false claims and saping the sytem, so I'm not being racist!) when the money should be spent on education and health of people who earned/deserve it!
Polyglory says
'Reading this and getting extremly annoyed that the legal sharks are ruling the roost for the ackers'

Yes I quite agree.
I understand the Law profesion is the largest single 'trade' group in parliament.
PJ sounds a lot like what happens in Canada.
Canada even took in Tariq Aziz after GW1, because he claimed Saddam would kill him on return to Iraq (he had been Iraqi ambassador to the US)
So he and his wife were put up in posh accommodation with a nice spending allowance. Even after he became great friends with Saddam again, and returned to Iraq, his wife stayed on in Canada claiming benefits, and then even after she had returned to Iraq herself!

Just try to emigrate to the UK being a white guy of Scottish decent :lol:
P_J glad to see some one can actually write down what we have known\suspected since ......
I will not persue how you know all of that, Per Sec.

But I do have a major problem now, its Wednesday, today is office cleaning day and two smug turds from feck knows where will come around and make the offices more dirty. Apparently they have been here for nearly 4 years. On arrival they claimed asylum, part of the package includes learning the language. I speak better Norwegian. And they smell :x

Tommorow is Thursday and I have to go and learn some more Norwegian, and sit in a room full of the supposed refugees who are suffering psyhcological and physical trauma inflicted by their Native countries. Ive seen more trauma come out of my Arrse first thing in the morning.

Catch 22
Because I have to speak to them in class, I have gotten to know them. All they want is a better life, no different to those ex pats who go to New Zealand, Austrailia, Norway to name a few. A few have gone and got reasonable Jobs pay full tax and dont claim benefit any more (A few). The Lithuanian girl is Feckin stunning and I would like her to come and stay with me, but I think Mrs Skjold would not approve.

The difference between ex pats and the majority of Asylum seekers.
We go looking for Jobs and a more tolerable weather climate :? not handouts.


p.s still cant stand stinkin egyptians (my opinion not ARRSEs)
jonwilly said:
Pompy_jock I likes your style please tell more.
Good to have it appreciated.
The simple fact of it is that the Refugee Council, Amnesty Int etc confuse - wanting to improve an impoverished life, with being a refugee. The convention does not cover the base fact that "life is crap, want to move to UK". Nor should it.

I dont blame them personally - I havent tried milking giraffe's (j/k) but am sure I would try to move somewhere better if I was in their shoes - doesnt mean it should be allowd to happen.

And again I will stress that their are genuine refugees/asylum seekers - just that they are a rare breed compared to the economic migrants.

Not sure how much more there is I can say - could possibly answer specific points/queries about it all (if anyone has any) - but cant think of anything else to 'pour out' at this point.


Thank you for explaining this horrible mess in Lay-Mans terms that I could understand at this time in the morninig.
I am now slightly maddder than I was before :evil: :evil: Am beginning to think a blockade of all Airheads an Portheads should be called for :twisted: :twisted:
The problem that has let this fiasco become as bad as it is is the PC brigade. Who are, surprisingly not, Lawyers or champagne socialists! These t0ssers want us to keep them here-why? If they are a true refugee fleeing persecution, let them stay. I have no problems with that at all. But these gits milking the system!! And with colusion from the Legal system as well :evil:

Just to inform arrse, I have a soldier from a commonwealth country. He has been in the Army 2 years now and got married back home in his own country. tried to get her here-passport/IS said no!! NO! He's a fecking soldier, he contributes to the economy. He's keeping my trade alive (well commonwealth soldiers like him) and he has a means to look after her. She is also a school teacher. There reason, we have doubt over the legality of the wedding and the reason for the marriage. He had to produce e-mail (explicit ones he told me!) to prove their love, its now in appeal!!

I might get him to read this and try this method of getting her in here :evil:

A very pissed off D-L goes to calm down
Is there nothing we can do to stop these ethincally challenged idividuals acting like Dracula :twisted: and sucking the life blood from this country.
the uk is in uproar as it is regarding immigratin/asylum seeking so why are the hippy cnuts allowing us to be swamped and loose all our culture of bowler hats and fish and chips.
they all moaned when they were part of the empire fighting and killing our soldiers then when they get their independence they all flock over here and give nothing to society. :x :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil: :evil:
and to top it all off one of the koran toting wakners slashes a tyre on my jag yesterday.........
Total sense of humour failure this moring....gonna go sack one now.... :twisted:
rupert-bleep said:
Is there nothing we can do to stop these ethincally challenged idividuals acting like Dracula :twisted:
Good comparison Dracula entered Britain illegally too by jumping off a ship (although it was in the form of a large black dog) 8O

OK nothing to do with anything I'll sit in the corner and say nothing now :D
RCSignals said:
PJ sounds a lot like what happens in Canada.
Canada even took in Tariq Aziz after GW1, because he claimed Saddam would kill him on return to Iraq (he had been Iraqi ambassador to the US)
So he and his wife were put up in posh accommodation with a nice spending allowance. Even after he became great friends with Saddam again, and returned to Iraq, his wife stayed on in Canada claiming benefits, and then even after she had returned to Iraq herself! ...
Is that true about Tariq Aziz? I must have missed that one. Any chance of a web link?
Re Canada:

We were also kind enough to allow Mohammed Aidid's wife to be a guest of the nation while we were out hunting down her husband back in '93. And no, she was not under any threat whatsoever - her and her clingers-on packed their gear in Somalia and headed for Toronto - got there and had the balls to claim political assylum because her husband was an evil despot and was in the midst of losing his corrupt grip on the country! So, with the family money in tow (taken from foreign aid donations), she set up shop and lived like a queen in Canada - but off the back of the Canadian taxpayer - not the family ill-begotten fortune... :evil:

Your five-year-old and highly subjective account of the Immigration Service was guaranteed to get the Daily Mail brigade fulminating, but I'm not sure it has any relevance to current affairs.

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