Although having not grand slammed since I was 18 doesnt erase the clear memory of feeling distinctly like a 2 year old as I wallowed in my shit/piss/Sambuca laced vomit drenched pit praying to fucking God none of the family would burst in, I stuffed the lot in an old Crusader bergan and crept like a ninja to the other end of the farm and the safety of the shower.
Can't you just fake some cerebal palsy or something. Book yourself in for some minor op and blag some complications. Not only is it likely you can blag some wedge off the local NHS trust, you get to be spoon fed by apathetic 20-something Polish carers for the rest of your natural.
For some extra 'financial help', you can noshed off or a quick one off the wrist. Allegedly!