That poxy email again

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by cernunnos, Aug 8, 2013.

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  1. I've just received another "Nigerian" email.....I think you all know the one.

    Here's my prepared response, feel free to: adapt, cut and paste as you require....

    Dear Friend
    I read your Email with interest and would gladly help with your predicament if I could, however I and my partners, Charles Ash and Alan Knotty, are currently embroiled in a long running legal battle with your government over mineral rights, mineral rights which were legally acquired by my grandfather Colin Treacle, from the then colonial government. I hope you will appreciate that any payments made to a Bongo Bongo citizen by myself might currently be construed as currying favour, or as a direct bribery attempt by the Bongobongonese courts and the EU watchdogs.

    There is however a way in which you might be able to help me whilst at the same time utilising your new found wealth. The legality of the mineral concession is questioned by your government as land ownership is restricted to Bongobongonese nationals. Now if I could prove to your courts and government that my company, Knotty-Ash-Treacle-Mines was under partial Bongo Bongo national ownership they would have no case to refuse us access to the resources. That’s why I am writing to offer you the opportunity to buy shares in our company, which is a traditional family concern and is not listed on the stock exchange. We still however issue shares, currently with a face value of £500.00, drastically undervalued given the assets currently locked under Bongo Bongo’s pungent soil.

    If you were to purchase just one share, we have a case, however 15,000 shares are currently available as my partner and the company’s registrar, Mr Ash, is approaching retirement. Share ownership also attracts, beside the usual annual dividend, a once in a lifetime educational dividend! If you are interested in my proposal then please send a cheque, made payable to “C.ASH” at the address below…………….
    • Like Like x 4
  2. Does anywhere except the UK & US still use paper cheques anymore?
  3. Send em a few Hundred Thousand, get em wet

  4. Dear Sahib,

    Please to forward copies of this Email to:-

    (a) the Honorable Gideon, Finance Minister of the Peoples Republic of Londonshire, England.
    (b) The Honorable Chief Manager of the Federal Bank of Englandshire, London Europe.
    (c) The Honorable President of Republic of Englandshire, London Europe, President Camleroon.
    (d) Chief Fiduciary President of Bank of Wonga Shop, Londonshire, England, Europe.

    I/We remain your humbe, Honorable and Illustrious Friends

    President Elect of Europe xxxxxxxxxxx
  5. Yes.

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  6. Had something similar yesterday from Saddam Hussein's daughter.
  7. How's she keeping? She still owes me a tenner...
    • Like Like x 1
  8. I had one today asking me to become a mystery shopper. They still needed the usual details of me and my bank account etc.
    A new story rather than the usual one about getting money out of the country.
  9. Yours sincerely

    Mr K Dodd

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  10. I haven't had a letter for a while now, but yesterday had yet another international phone call from the "Windows Technical Dept", a lovely young lass called Ayesha. After I'd let her go through her spiel for a while, ooing and aahing at all the dangers my PC was in, I enquired after the colour of her lingerie, which got me a "PARDON?". Changing lingerie for knickers made her slam the phone down, rude girl. Telling me was the least she could have done, seeing as she would have wanted my credit card details in a couple of minutes.
  11. Ayesha sent me a photo to forward to you

    • Like Like x 3
  12. OOH! Quite pretty, considering.
  13. Bowmore_Assassin

    Bowmore_Assassin LE Moderator Book Reviewer

    Dear Cernunnos, I have taken the liberty of a severe edit; I hope you don't mind. I found your version worthy but time consuming. Admittedly, as a reverse scam, you would be much more likely to gain financial reward than my proposed response. Nevertheless,Ii believe my response to be a personally more satisfactory reply.

    I have included a little of your letter and it is quoted below followed by my suggested addition:

    "Dear Friend

    I read your Email with interest and would gladly help with your predicament if I could, however I and my partners," hope you catch a terminal disease and die in agony.

    Please fuck right off.

    Yours sincerely, etc

    Posted from the ARRSE Mobile app (iOS or Android)