'That' Mate.

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by CDT gruntfuttock, Aug 11, 2013.

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  1. Everyone's got 'that' mate right? The one who'll shag grotters even when sober, the one who'll spend 300 of his hard earned beer tokens on shots at the local bar, come back to barracks, vomit down his door and fall asleep in the hallway with his kecks around his ankles, todger dribbling a constant stream of piss.

    He's an admin vortex, but always seem to scrape through with passes on every test he gets wheeled in to do

    He's an alright bloke, but you get the feeling he's not quite there when he suggests a trip round the local mongrel mob chapter ('Orrid thugs and bikers for non-kiwis) 'cause there's a party on and what's more, actually MEANS it.

    He's generally in trouble somehow with the hierarchy, but he must either know someone or be the luckiest bastard out there because he never quite gets kicked out.

    He's a shithead when it comes to money too, buying unending lists of useless shite on hire-purchase, getting the current munter up the duff or busting his telly bought on tick by dropping it out of the window when plastered.

    The precise details may change, but the basic principles stay the same. He has almost no opposite in the female sex, the place being filled instead by a spunk-bucket mess aunty or similar camp bicycle.

    Any other characteristics of 'That' mate?
  2. Sort of bloke, who when dressed by the finest tailors on Saville Row, would still look like two sacks of shite stuffed into a tarp? That the bloke you mean?

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  3. The wanker who always gets into a punch up and gets you all thrown out, just after you have paid twenty quid to get into a club and there's loads of fanny about; that bloke?

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  4. I know that bloke. He's not a mate though, he's a gobshite.

    Can barely pass a weapon handling test, but sits all day watching war documentaries and making chippy comments on the skills and drills of blokes under contact. Doubly so if they are foreign.
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  5. Gets every fucker else thrown out yet always seems to escape the cull himself.

    The bloke who gets eyed up by fit totty yet always grabs a colossal munter at ten past 2.

    The bloke who you lend your best suit for a wedding and comes back with fag burns in the jacket and the knees are ripped from shagging a grotswobble in the carpark.

    The bloke who your sister fancies yet gets away with it because your dad loves going for a pint with him.

    I think I know that bloke.
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  6. There's a darker side to 'that' mate as well, not seen quite as often..

    He's the one who takes your car for a joy-ride at three in the morning, on a Wednesday, and returns it parked illegally and reeking of kebab sauce

    He's the one who pisses the instructors off doing mong shit, so you get a thrashing rather than knocking off early and has the nerve to complain about it

    And at his worst, he's the one who loses his helmet/flak jacket/rifle/radio/COMSEC material on an outing, resulting in the lads emu parading the surrounding countryside and kicking every bush and tuft of grass looking for said item, accompanied with dire threats from the DS that 'Yore in yor own time now' only for him to find the offending item on his person or in his kit somewhere at the umpteenth hour of the search.
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  7. If you're not sure who he is, it's probably you.
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  8. I had a girlie mate when I was in the TA, who was a good friend and a right larf, but for one annoying characteristic.

    In any written test I would do my best to understand the techy stuff ("Fifty Safety Rules for Fork Lift Trucks" being one that springs to mind) and would always scrape through with a reasonable pass mark, whilst she would get 100% every time by dint of memorising every single bloody answer parrot-fashion. If you asked her two days later what any of it meant, she wouldn't have a fucking Scooby - which used to boil my piss considerably.

    Apart from that we had some great times. Miss you Krusty!
  9. Have we met? :)
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  10. I think I know him. I leant him my car once when I went on tour. He managed to barrel roll it, completely writing it off but didn't have a mark on him. Funny that, eh?

    I also lent him my webbing once while we were in Cyprus. He fell overboard and had to ditch his (read MY) webbing in the Med in order to be rescued. Luckily he survived. The cunt
  11. Thats the cunt that made me realise being an absolute cunt to others wouldnt change my health, life span or (hopefully) the fact that there is fuck all after life to worry about. If I can make every other cunt realise the same, this world will be full of miserable cunts like me, the cunt.
  12. I had one. Not a mate. An officer. (Shudder...)
  13. There's a thread in'best of naafi' about 'my mate Dave' - on the mobile so can't search for it but it's full of these sort of tales, go find it and ask a mod nicely to merge this one mate :)
  14. Ninguno thread Senor. It's gone, zip, nada.

    Did that bullying cunt VerticalGyro start it? If so, well in MiT you fat huffy cunt.
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