Testing yer ARRSE and other birthday presents.

At the end of last week I passed my 50th birthday, and predictably the usual crop of amusing cards and useless presents arrive . I have thanked my Aunt in Ashtead for the padded insoles for my boots , My cnut of a brother who sent some sand so I could have a “real taste of modern ops” ! My niece ( bless her ) has knitted me a rather fetching pullover, but forgot that I have no need for long sleeves any more . A couple of “ gifts “ I cannot see fit to respond to are the compendium of 101 card games, from my stalker.. and one from Professor Bob Steele , of the NHS Scotland Bowel screening centre Dundee.
It is a self test kit for bowel screening, the letter states that having reached 50 I have an opportunity to test the turds, as it were .

Now I accept this is a most important subject and I do take it in all seriousness.

It is the mechanics of obtaining a sample ( 6 in fact ) by poking the swab stick thing into my poo and then smearing it on the sample sheet that concerns me .
Do I dump but not activate the wash and flush function, then whilst suspended in my harness swivel round with said poo stick between my, teeth lower my self face first in to the bowl to gather a sample , easy eh ? just one thing my hoist is operated by mouth controls , suck /blow , and I would have to hold the sample as well.
I don’t realy want to ask my neice to assist, the helpline suggested the community nurse could come, but thats a long trip and requires a SOD ( shit on demand ) .
So Arrsers, do your worst…..

Simple. Just drink 8-10 pints of guiness or Herfy green. Eat at least one curry and a donor as well if possible.

Now comes the clever bit.

Drink as much of a bottle of whisky/vodka as you can before you lapse into a drunken semicoma.

If you have done this right when you next awaken you should have more than enough samples either in your underwear or on the bed sheets.

Jobs a good 'un and Robert is your wifes sisters brothers third cousin (or something like that) :)
why not just poo on the sample sheet? The action of stuffing it back in the envelope with your teeth will surely provide the 'smear' factor?

Or tape the 6 sticks in a circle around the toilet seat, jutting inwards over the bowl. Then hoist yourself up, get a bit of a hip swivel going so you dangle in a circular kind of pattern, and entertain yourself for hours by 'bombing' the sticks to get them coated! Looking after our health, and keeping busy...mutlitasking!

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