Right settle down and listen in. Last year I was working in a place which our septic cousins bombed somewhat. Yes I know thats most of the fucking world but just bear with me ok? Anyway, I had written a number of semi-technical reports and then I received a snottogram from some senior manager-on-hi asking me for the definition of the term Sub-munition. I mean its not like he doesnt have a search function on his computer, the tosser and if he has never heard of Google, he needs fucking by an Albania sheep molester. In truth his stupid request was one of those "I'd better do something to justify my existence and prove that I read the reports" things that some senior managers-on-hi do. Bit like some senior officers in the army (I could name one or two). So being a bit pissed one evening I cobbled together a quick response along the lines of "well, its a corruption of an older phrase or saying, along the lines of Blimey! Being a corruption of the oath "may God blind me" which was fashionable back in the days when we had an empire (the early days that is). Here is my response to the snottogram: Sub-munitions The term sub-munition is used to describe a an article used on women in a particular psychological state of submissiveness exhibited by certain types of sexual deviants as first described many years ago by a Ffrench observer, one Monsieur Sadiste, who's work was later taken further forward by the German social deviance commentator Baron Masoch de Suschpenderschnappen. Baron Masoch later gave great credibility to his writings by opening a school for social deviance in Bonn during the latter half of the seventeenth century. It was here that he invented the famous leather helmet with brass studs which was worn by all students attending his August academy. When first seen in the streets of Bonn this apparel attracted a great deal of interest, since the acolytes also wore, as part of their walking out attire, nipple rings with heavy chains which were also attached to labia clamps where appropriate. Older male students were often to be seen hobbling around the fair city encumbered with testicle splints or scrotum weights, whilst mature students of either sex might be seen with Haemorrhoid clamps fitted and which were attached by silk cords to small boys who would run around in various directions. In case of inclement weather arising whilst the students occasioned their business in the city, they were often given a sound whipping before departing the hallowed cloisters, which prompted the local residents to label them with a fond but descriptive sobriquet: Stripy backed cunts. Much of the work undertaken in the field of human deviance by these two pioneers was updated and modernised just prior to the First World War by Le Comte de Tonator, who introduced the science of the physicist Leclanche to the field and thus was born the vibrating earthenwear plug, the original version of which was a sputum pot from the Leathern Bottle pub, Spitalfields. The pot can still be seen at the London Museum of Sexual Artifacts. Although large and unwieldy, the plug proved to be successful, albeit problematic in use. Basically the plug needed a three man crew to operate it - two to hold it and prevent it from crushing the pelvis of the recipient and one to make and break the contact with the battery (Leclanche cell), which moved the solenoid which in turn imparted vibration to the sputum pot and thus the victim/recipient. It is said that a good make and break operator could earn as much as two groats an hour and were much in demand! The term Sub-munition did not really come into general use however, until after the Second World War when, in Egypt after the departure of the Desert Rats, the local women resorted to consoling themselves with appropriately sized items of ordnance left lying around by the departing troops. Many of the ladies found that whilst a 40mm shell was of an appropriate diameter the paucity of length left a lot to be desired. After some experimentation it was generally agreed that a well lubricated 2.75 inch rocket did the trick. It wasnt long before the Scions of Ffrench fashion happened upon this phenomena and suddenly after some unfortunate incidents involving unstable UXO, which prompted the Ffrench authorities to ban the importation of all artillery and other ammunition of between 20mm and 60mm calibres, the latest fad arrived upon the scene: Le Munitione Sexuale. This was indeed a breakthrough. The sexually stimulating design was based on the old 2.75 inch British rocket, but was made of glass and without the explosive fill. The Ffrench President of the day, Garcon de Testable commented "Thank God, now perhaps these cunts will stop blowing themselves up," when interviewed by the Paris based magazine Le Monde de Venus. London was keen to catch on and soon the ladies of Knightsbridge society would not be seen without their Munitione Sexuale discretely covered in blue satin. Being English of course, the ladies soon abbreviated the title to "munition". The ladies of Leeds, Bradford and other places where civilisation is (still) yet to reach were unable to afford munitions with desirable labels such as Versace or Gucci and so the Boddingtons bottle became the munition of choice for the harridans of the north. But the use of this type of "munition" was not without hazard. Over enthusiastic use of the munition resulted in a number of serious injuries prompting Clement Freud, son of the famous psychoanalyst Sigismund Schlomo Freud to comment: "My father told me that any woman who shoves a bottle up her cunt was almost certainly fed upside down by her mother in infancy". Today the munition is little used in British society save for in small deviant circles where submissive wives (or "Subs" as they are known in those circles. Apparently) in darkened spare bedrooms, invariably bound and with the inevitable nipple and labia clamps in place, beg (in whispers to avoid waking their adolescent kids) their balding, pot bellied "Masters" dressed in ridiculous leather masks, to roger them with a munition. In many an otherwise innocent looking UK home - the "castles" belonging to the middle aged, middle income, boring plebiscite - the casual visitor may see a curious bottle shaped artifact taking pride of place on a dresser or mantelpiece. In answer to the cautious enquiry as to its use, the master of the house will jovialy respond: "That? Oh, thats me Sub(s)-munition, mate!" I havent had a response yet.