Terminal Leave

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by B_AND_T, May 22, 2013.

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  1. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    Day 3 of my leave and I am bored senseless.

    Wanking has lost its appeal. My knob is sore.
    Daytime TV has me searching for drugs.
    I now realise Mrs B&T is shit company.

    Any ideas on how to survive? I've got another 4 months of this.
  2. Whats happening in 4 months time?

    I still miss the mob some days and I`ve been out for 32 years so I think you`re fucked.
  3. Blow your lump sum on high class hookers and cocaine.

    It's more fun than Daytime TV. You won't have to wank. Mrs B&T won't be around for very much longer.

    You'll still have a sore knob though.

    3 out of 4 ok for you?
  4. Start making gin in the bath.

    Buy some knob healing cream.

    Think up imaginative ways in which to maim or kill Jeremy Kyle guests.

    Dig a big fucking hole and bury the wife.
  5. Supply us with pics of your wife, certainly pass our time of day.
  6. Why? You fancy spending the day alternately vomiting and bleaching your eyes?
    • Like Like x 1
  7. I've probably had worse, tbh.
  8. Get a hobby or sign on with a driving agency and earn a few bob, play snooker, darts, get a mistress (remember there is a woman only 3 miles away), go fishing the list is endless.
  9. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    I fucking doubt it!
  10. Aloe Vera lotion.
    Get yourself a hobby, embroidery seems your style.
    You're missus needs a job. A copy of your local paper open to the situations vacant page with highlighted suitable positions, placing this at a suitable location should stimulate hours of discussion.
    Volunteer for experimentation at Porton Down.
  11. TheresaMay

    TheresaMay LE Moderator DirtyBAT

    Here's an idea...

    Take your lump sum, go to the auctions and get yourself a nice run-down 3 bed terrace in the back of beyond. Spend the next 4 months teaching yourself basic carpentry, plastering, painting and decorating skills and applying them to newly acquired property, then get it back on the market in 4 months time.

    Whilst you're waiting for the punters to roll in and pay you £25k more than you paid for it, get it rented out privately at a reduced rate to claw back some of those expenses.

    Make sure you phone the producers of "Homes under the Hammer" beforehand so you get a bit of schmeagling-time with the lovely Lucy Alexander.

    Who looks the spit of my missus by the way.

    Although my wife has bigger chebs.

    ...actually forget what I said, because it's 50/50 you might end up with the annoying camp presenter instead.
  12. Thank you! I have many fantasies about turning up on it, having just bought a run down mansion. After she asks the bone questions she whips off my drawers and yells at me to boot her back doors in over the period feature fireplace.

    Mmm, auction porn.
  13. How's that any different to usual?
  14. Heres an idea: Go out on the piss all over the planet with yer mates, spend all your wages on the first weekend of the month, smash up the locals and towns, bring your country into disrepute, gang-rape the local burds, occasionally wear something green, go away for a bit, come back then start over aga.......

    No, hang on........
  15. B_AND_T

    B_AND_T LE Book Reviewer

    I don't have to wear MTP.