tender tezzies

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Porridge_gun, Aug 28, 2011.

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  1. Porridge_gun

    Porridge_gun LE Good Egg (charities)

    Who the flying fuck decided that shaving your plums was a good idea.

    I've always tended to my testiclular topiary and kept them neat and trimmed, however due to me demanding the doris get rid of her landing strip and go Yul Bryner I have had to get rid of my plum hair in exchange.

    Never again, am sat here with an ice pack on my knacker bag as it feels like its been set about by Kelly's heroes complete with flame thrower and white phospherous. The doris uses that removal cream rather than a razor so my knackers where liberally coated with Veet cream and the clock set to 5 mins. After a minute or two the temperature on my spuds started to soar. Within five minutes, there was a weird smell of burning, I thought I'd torched my beloved rod. Apparently its normal and its the hair burning.

    A quick shower, leaving smooth sack and botty crack (am a bit on my leg that I missed) later, following the instructions I patted my sex potatoes dry. Then the pain struck and the colour of my nut satchel changed from nice and pink to glowing red, like the beacon on Batmans door.

    After this episode I think I'm going to sport a nob affro as am not keen to set about my genitals cream, razor or anything more potent than some talcom powder. The most disappointing thing about the whole episode is that now my scrote is to sore to empty it all over her newly bald cock socket.

    Does anyone else regularly keep a bald set of pods? I won't be doing it again, whilst its like a bright red silk purse, it looks like Telly Sevalis after necking a bucket of tobasco.
    • Like Like x 11
  2. I made the mistake of using one of those anti-bacterial hand wash things on my plums (because I'm worth it) and it felt like pressing my nads onto a three bar fire. I feel your pain, brother.
  3. Pfft! Both of my two best friends have dined au naturelle for many years. I was advised to do so by a very pretty and exceptionally athletic nurse: she convinced me that it was more hygenic, was more appealing than looking at a cariacture of Desperate Dan's chin and made the third member of the awesome triumvirate look so much bigger, both when Stood Down and at Stand To.

    Clean shaven is the way ahead. But easy on the Brut.
  4. Frankly, given the horror-stories such as pg's I'm sticking with the caveman look for a little longer, albeit ginger caveman with grey highlights.
  5. Fixed that for you (and Jarrod)
    • Like Like x 3
  6. I sympathise P_G. did this in the Tidworth detachment house one weekend as duty bleep. Liberal application of IMMAC to the boys followed by an episode of Red Dwarf as I allowed the cream to soak in. Lazily read the instructions as the end titles scrolled up with growing horror and a cold burn sensation on my nut bag. Watched the cream and it appeared all the skin of my right ball (left one totally ok!???) soak off under the shower and hobbled naked, legs akimbo round the house reading the manufacturers instructions, which specified Lemon juice as a soothing agent. Finding a lynx deodorant top and some war stock jif (lemon not the bathroom cleaner) in the cupboard i filled the top and sank a portion of my ball into it, oh the fucking releif was instant.

    Yes I continue to shave with hair clippers (always makes me smile when I cut my Dads hair, that'll teach you to get me a Celtic strip, and tell me its Man U change colours, you tight git!!!! I was 6!! 6!!!! ) but that has its problems to and catching your wrinkles in the jaws is a painful reminder to go easy.
    • Like Like x 1
  7. Fuck that shit, my spuds stay hairy!! There was another thread on something like that and with way too many horror stories!
  8. Agreed. God put pubes there so that your shit could stick to something and dry naturally, thus preventing premature gusset soilage.
  9. So Gussets evolved before Pubes?
  10. This frigging computer wont let me send 'likes'!!
  11. Never done it and after reading this thread........... never will!
    • Like Like x 2
  12. squeekingsapper

    squeekingsapper LE Reviewer

    I think that someone needs to man the **** up.

    However sore it might be, comments like having "a scrote that is to sore to empty it all over her newly bald cock socket" is just gay.
  13. An interesting theological point. I note you say "evolved" rather than "were made by God in six days". I'm not sure a gusset can 'evolve'. What could it evolve from? A Neolithic hand, cupped over the toilet area? No. The first gusset was created on Day 5 of the Big Event, by God, to give The Lord's Children something to play with while nobody is looking and to give something for Priests to shove their hands down when not doing a Mass..
  14. De-lurking from RP. Ditch the ice and cover your Nads in Sudocrem and it should calm right down by the morning, although you might need to apply it for a couple of days. Take a couple of Nurofen as well. Any chance of some pics?
  15. Gremlin

    Gremlin LE Good Egg (charities)

    You never fucking learn, do you? If I remember correctly you chewed your love sack open with an electric razor about 5 years ago and posted a pic of the resulting mayhem on here!

    If you think that the warm after glow of Veet is bad (and yup I've made the mistake of using it as well) it's nothing compared to what you are going to start experiencing in a few days!
    • Like Like x 1