Teaching a new dog old tricks.

#1
I'm getting a dog this weekend (canine variety, I've already got a missus) and I'm already scheming entertaining things to train it to do.

I remember a para-trained SNCO in my first unit who's boxer was trained to attack on the sight of anyone not sporting wings. I'm thinking of a similar thing with anyone wearing a baseball cap at a funny angle.

Any more good ideas?

B-T

braced for a torrent of lewd suggestions involving both missus and dog
 
#2
Mr_Deputy said:
Train it to hump the leg of anyone hwo cant walk very fast.

(Seriously, in one of barracks I visited one of the COs had a big (gay?) dog - a long haired lab - who if you lay down on the floor would come up and hump you. While looking in your eyes. It was genuinely hilarious to get unsuspecting people to lay down and be sprung upon by the dog. Really shocking as it tried to pin you down. I am a bit frightened thinking about it.)
There's a very easy way to stop a dog doing this to you - just fake an orgasm.
 
#3
Mr_Deputy said:
Train it to hump the leg of anyone hwo cant walk very fast.

(Seriously, in one of barracks I visited one of the COs had a big (gay?) dog - a long haired lab - who if you lay down on the floor would come up and hump you. While looking in your eyes. It was genuinely hilarious to get unsuspecting people to lay down and be sprung upon by the dog. Really shocking as it tried to pin you down. I am a bit frightened thinking about it.)
Why on earth would you want to lay down in the CO's office?... is that a recognised way of getting promotion then?
 
#4
Don't know if he was trained to do it or it was something that happened to him as a pup but an old boss' Alsatian would throw a track at anybody with clicky shoes.

The Workshop ASM got growled at and any knobbing sod who didn't think DMS and Clear was your best boots got it as well.

Sorted the wheat from the chaff and it was hilarious watching it.
 
#6
not sure about dogs but i taught my daughter (3 -4 yrs old)to get the gun (only an air rifle)when ever any one in uniform knocked the door (to shot the nasty fuckers who wanted dad to go into work), all went well for a bit untill mrs coffee found out.
 
#7
Mr_Deputy said:
geo7863 said:
Mr_Deputy said:
Train it to hump the leg of anyone hwo cant walk very fast.

(Seriously, in one of barracks I visited one of the COs had a big (gay?) dog - a long haired lab - who if you lay down on the floor would come up and hump you. While looking in your eyes. It was genuinely hilarious to get unsuspecting people to lay down and be sprung upon by the dog. Really shocking as it tried to pin you down. I am a bit frightened thinking about it.)
Why on earth would you want to lay down in the CO's office?... is that a recognised way of getting promotion then?
Do you think for a moment he KNEW about this??
No I guess not, otherwise he would have been jealous about his master getting in on the action too!!
 
#8
Mr_Deputy said:
Teach your dog Information Technology programmes like LINUS and .....other programmes.
Make a fortune if you had a dog which could consult firms on their IT requirements.
LINUS?

That must be the US Southern States version of LINUX.
 
#9
Thanks Mr Deputy and less of the young.
 
#10
schweik said:
Never mind you teaching it tricks. Get it to teach you how to lick your own balls.
or just get it to lick your balls!
 
#11
Big-timer, I don´t know whether you´re still serving, but if you are, teach the dog how to hold it´s drink fast and I´m not talking about södding water either !! Remember going round to a pads party and some of the lads got their spaniel pissed out of its head on Bacardi & Coke :biggrin: I don´t know what was funnier: The dogs hind legs trying to overtake the front legs or the poor dog standing there and then collapsing with all four legs stretched out in different directions :rofl: The pad took it well, but his missus got a little bit of a sad on with us when the dog puked up over their new three piece.........
 
#12
Certa_Cito,

That's a bloody good point. Having got the dentist's little rat-dog sh1tfaced on stella in my last Mess I should have considered this. Luckily, the new dog's a FO great big Rottweiler cross and is going to be able to put away more than me by the time he's out of basic.

B-T
 
#13
Had a long-haired dachshund in Germany that attacked people in RAF uniform, when we lived in Wildenrath, and anyone that spoke German. No training was required. The new wire-haired dachshund tends to wee on the floor when people drop in but luckily turns right right round and laps it up,again no training required. This one also drinks out of beer cans.
 
#14
Rottweiler huh?

Just teach it to sit and stare at people without blinking...
...and call it Colin.
 
#15
Wiraman said:
...and call it Colin.
I was thinking of Max. Short for 'Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Felix Legions, husband to a murdered wife, father to a murdered son, and he will have his vengeance, in this life or the next... etc etc'

B-T
 
#16
Is that game on then big-timer ? Just imagine trying to carry a FO big Rottweiler across to it´s "basket" when it´s pissed out of it´s head and getting "punchy" :omfg:

By the way, get the dog on Port ASAP. If the dog can handle that, the beer will be a piece of piSS......
 
#17
Wiraman said:
Rottweiler huh?

Just teach it to sit and stare at people without blinking...
...and call it Colin.

WHY does the thought of a 12 stone Rotty called Colin amuse me so much?? Douglas is quite a nice name too!!!!
 
#18
It'll be OK. As long as I'm as drunk as he is then we can sit in the corner bezzering and both growling at anyone who comes too close.

B-T
 
#19
Go one better B-T. Get a pair of them, call them Benson and Hedges and THEN sit in between them in the garden, with three dog bowls full of Becks in front of you, growling at people. THAT picture I would love to see :lol:
 

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