Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by rebel_with_a_cause, May 4, 2008.

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  1. Not sure if this has been on before but here goes............

    A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary
    submitted this:

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
    little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
    100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
    supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
    assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

    I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.


    I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
    pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
    electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
    face of her microwave.

    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
    couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

    There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
    little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
    needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

    I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
    this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
    assurance that it would work as advertised.

    Am I wrong?

    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
    perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
    taser in another.

    The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
    assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
    major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
    your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
    than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long,
    less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
    itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

    What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
    one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked
    thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. .


    I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in
    my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
    found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
    tingling in my legs?

    The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
    caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

    You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
    violent thrashing about on the floor.

    A three second burst would be considered conservative?


    A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
    point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
    the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.

    My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
    like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I shit myself, but was too
    numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

    I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for
    their safe return!!

    P. S.

    My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

    'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
  2. Don't you just love them?

    The land that seems to perpetually ask the question "I wonder what'll happen when I press this trigger...........?"
  3. Is that iron hot yet, let me just test it... ow.
  4. That being America, he's missed out on a good few million by not suing the Taser firm because the box didn't have a "Caution; it is inadvisable to taser yourself" logo.

    I wonder what's going to happen when this bloke buys himself a shotgun...
  5. :D things we do when the emperor mong commands us .Remeber
    laughing at a display of pepper spray defence weapons .In a mall in florida
    "its just concentrated tabesco how is that going to stop anyone?" I ask
    " Try it "goes the miffed salesman
    Sprays some into a large can
    Being an idiot I take a huge sniff just about get out "its doing not"When it takes effect .Woody does a good reinacting of leaving the cs chamber coughing spluttering on knees etc,etc, :oops:
  6. YesItsMe

    YesItsMe LE Good Egg (charities)

    let's just wait for natural selection to start working :muhaha:
  7. I've got to get myself one of those!
  8. My missus test fired a combined pepper/cs spray when it was issued to her in the US to carry around in the car loaned to us. Unfortunately the safety cap confused her and she fired it straight into her own face. A miilisecond of shock then chopped to the floor, floundering around like a fish out of water

    I have to say I was not the only person who exploded in laughter at her crawling around on her knees as they carted her off to the sick bay, but I've been the one she's never forgiven for it.

    No sense of humour, these blondes.