Taser for the Wife

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ..

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?


A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
The 1st thing that's truly made my laugh out loud in the office.
OldRedCap said:
MT - I thought you were an original thinker. But then, I know the addictions of copy and paste.


ORC it was sent to me as an email this morning, it was too precious not to share with fellow arrsers. It had no reference to author or origin.

Edited to add: It does say this at the top of the piece:-

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:
I take it you got this abroad? I got one for my father when I was in Germany. Had a spring loaded button so when the urge came over me to test it I was able to let go. However while carring out more "tests" I blew the thing up! I should get him a new one but not that easy to find in UK.

I'm not sure what it is that makes grown men want to test themselves in this way???


Book Reviewer
That's funny as fcuk. Well done that man!
Had the guy never watched Jackass? Watching Johnny Knoxville taser himself looked bad enough and i think that was no where near as powerful as that one. What an eijit!! :D He should have videoed it though.
Thank fook it wasn't a gun, you doughnut
Ah fun and games with personal defence items.

I once got hold of a couple of small cans of pepper spray as issued to the German cops/posties etc. Are supposed to be used to ward off dangerous dogs.

So I gave one to the missus for carrying in her pocket/handbag when out at night and put the other one in the car "just in case".

A couple of weeks later I was on a course staying in a hotel, I got bored as you do so went out for a couple of drinks. Came back to the hotel after a few sherbets and found that the can that was supposed to be with the wife was in my suitcase.

Having seen the pictures of the cops using it on the telly and having had my share of exposure to CS in the chamber I wondered if this stuff was a) any good and b) anything like CS.

So I gave my self a 0.00005 nanosecond spray in the area of nose and mouth (with eyes shut).

Fcuking BIG mistake.

To start with it was "Ah as I thought poofy civie shite, nothing to it"
Then the burning started, then the sneezing and coughing. Followed in rapid succession by choking and sneezing snot all over the place.

Ran like fcuk for the shower to get the dammed stuff off my face but by now I had tears streaming down my face along with the snot going everywhere and not being able to breath so I missed the door to the bathroom and ran straight into the wall.
I bounced off the wall and hit the bed which promptly threw me to the floor (woughly centurwian).

Now on my hands and knees and still coughing and sneezing snot and blind I started to crawl towards the shower again. This time I managed to get into the shower and turned it on.

Wrong tap!

So now coughing, sneezing, half blind and parboiled with a lump on my head I realised that my experiment might have been a bit misguided.

I finally managed to get the cold water on and wash the stuff off


Book Reviewer
Funny as ****. I laughed until I cried, especially at the description of the aftermath.

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