Take That for closing ceremony?

It'll be shit regardless who plays.

We'll all be treated to a meandering spectacle of light, a look at the increasing need for social mobility in the UK - 50 fat-bastard scooters forming the olympic rings with blue spacelights attached to the mong's heads - and we'll catch up with the chav couple we saw in the opening ceremony. He'll have left her and will be rioting in London, with 'Chariots of Fire' played over the sequence of 2,000 well coreographed chav fuckwits breaking into mock high street shops, she will have 3 kids now but will still be a twitter/facebook fuckhead and will be dancing with her mates, putting her slap on for a night out, where she leaves the kids with her elderly next door neighbour.

Then we'll get a TV bit that shows David Beckham standing around an Asda with a stupid grin on his face, doing absolutely nothing, before cutting over to a history of childrens TV, expressed through the characters of the Night Garden and the Teletubbies doing a questionable dance that makes it look like they're bumming each other to 'Ride My Bicycle' by Queen.

Afterwards, we'll see the torch and that'll be good and then there'll be fireworks that the BBC will forget to film. Then, to top it all off, they will switch on all the floodlights and stadium lights, cut off the music immediately and 20,000 G4S staff (many of them service personnel) will wander around the crowd shouting "Right folks, that's it! Drink up! Go home, come on, get your arses in gear!"

Could be worse, Coldplay could be playing.

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