TA Officers

I am currently whiling away these long summer evenings after Mini-Me has gone to bed by writing what I expect will become a classic. Its working title is "Follow That Guy!" - Dr Evil's Secrets of TA Leadership.

The thing is, though, that I am pretty busy at the moment with Evil Plans and being megalomaniacally in charge of lots of Important Stuff. So I need help to spur the book on.

Here is how far I have got:


As an officer in the Territorial Army, you will often find that your ability to exert yourself as an Evil Overlord is curtailed. This is because there is often not much of a social or educational gap between you the officer and them the other ranks.

Sadly, the existence in this country (until Dr Evil takes over) of laws preventing you from beating respect into people means that there is really no other way to gain status and power over your minions than as follows.

On the one hand, you could take the small grain of innate leadership skill that is in you and nurture it with good humour, hard work and concern for your blokes.

But where is the fun in that?

No, the Dr Evil Way says you must not do any of that at all. I mean, who do you frikkin think you are? Someone who cares?

Instead, you must highlight your rank and therefore status as an officer to the men and let them know they are a separate breed. If you do this at every opportunity, mostly when it comes to eating and drinking, the blokes will be much more likely to go "over the top" when ordered.

Make sure that if your unit ever does anything useful, the officers celebrate it with posh nosh three times for every one official do for the boys.

If the boys are having scoff somewhere, make sure that the officers are having some posh scoff somewhere else at the same time, to prevent any of that horrible, nasty intermingling.

Be sure to invite the usual bunch of old and dribbling generals or retired generals to provide the event with a touch of "authenticity" rather than the "playing soldiers at weekends" label that it might otherwise attract. But make sure the generals don't speak to the boys - they might find out how bright the lads are and this would spoil forever their illusion that OR = Baldrick.
Anyone care to carry on from there?

Come on! Throw me a frikkin bone here!
Make sure you mention all the other ways that you can sideline the boys.

"If you go to war, use the regimental website to put up a personal account. But make sure that account is written by an officer who was detached from the main body so there's no fear that an OR could creep into the story.

And if you publish a regimental magazine, do whatever you can to ensure that there arent any pictures of ORs. If any of the nasty oiks do sneak into the background (say in a shot of a winning team in a military skills competition) write the caption as such: 'Major Smith holding the Combat Washing Up Trophy'.

Remember, those boys love doing all they can to make you look good. Seeing you get the glory is what they give up all their weekends for. As long as you turn up occasionally and take a salute then they will love you and follow you anywhere"
And dont forget the final piece of advice

"Never, ever give up the rear ceramic plate from your body armour. You never know when you might need it"
And the truth shall set you free .as a meer or i have witnessed this again and again thank you Dr evil for your wise words may I apply for a postion of hench man as I a world with a man of vison such as yourself in charge would be worth dying in a pointless way :lol:
I am recruiting henchmen at the moment, as it happens.

The plan is, we operate within my unit's structure - for now. Then, when the time is right, we strike.

I can offer you:

1. A glamorous uniform. Like an Italian policeman's, only shinier.
2. Babysitting opportunities with Mini-Me.
3. The chance to make it to No.5 or No.4, according to merit.
4. Free porn. I have an account.


Hey - I need more contributions to my leadership book. Come on, there must be more TA officer antics you have witnessed ...
Sorry Dr Evil, major (sic) problem with your cunning plan. If you are keeping all activity within your units structure, that means you are in uniform & therefore subject to QRs. You therefore cannot strike, its illegal. You may have to change your plan to wimpering a bit & kicking someone while they're not looking!
Mini-Me is abed and I have had a few glasses of Vino Dictatorio. This has helped the creative juices to flow. So I have a bit to add to my masterpiece.

If you are unlucky enough to work for a non-relative and so an employer's appeal is ruled out, manoeuvre yourself into a job that keeps you well short of the front line. While your men work their asses off, surround yourself with amiable reject regular colonels, brigadiers, etc., sipping tea or G'n'T while war rages.

Don't try very hard to keep abreast of what your lads are actually doing. Just keep an eye on your own comfort and safety, and make sure you get home with your cravat intact. If you do want to get some realtime warry stuff done, make sure it involves helicopters and lots of shouting.

After it is all over, ensure that it is you who writes the account of mobilisation which gets put on your unit's website. Your ignorance of the risks your lads ran and the intensity of their effort will mean that you will be able to write something suitably cool, languid and off-hand about the scariest period of their lives.

One of Dr Evil's minions found this example on a TA website. I don't think I could have done better myself. All TA officers should look on this, and marvel:

"The adage that war is 95% sheer boredom and 5% sheer excitement certainly rang true. Through the period of our desert deployment there was a great deal of monotony. Suffice to say mail became essential to morale and contests for the most parcels received and the most diverse contents were commonplace."

Wonderful. If Dr Evil were to write this, his minions would be spitting:

"Sheer monotony for you, maybe, Mr Shinysuit. Not for the blokes trundling over the startline on The Big Day with SSMs landing at their feet. Not for the lads doing their first ever patrol without helmet or body armour at night in someone else's country. Maybe you should have come and visited us for a day to find out a bit more to stick in your summary of the war than blithe comments about sand in your willy."

You know that if they are talking like this they really mean they love you.

Next, if your unit is mobilised but finds itself short of qualified bods, put out a call for some augmentees. But whatever you do, make sure that you avoid giving your subordinates the chance to integrate them into the mother unit.

Now, try as you might to ensure that these poor orphans have an Evil time, you will find that the good nature of your minions ensures that they will, eventually, become mates with your boys. This is inevitable. Try to make sure you get your lads home before any damagingly permanent friendships are established.

And most critical of all: drop these add-ons the minute you are back in Blighty. OK, so your minions might regard them as fond friends made true by war, but if you are doing your job as a TA officer properly you will send them back to their mongrel units swiftly, never to be seen again. Do not, under any circumstances, track their welfare or - even worse - invite them back to the host unit to thank them for their efforts. You never know, they might pinch some of the silver.
I think this is coming along rather well, no?
Sign me up anythings got to be better than match 9 training
Another tip Suggest post op talk to coy and head shed get some of your blokes to do presentations but drop it on them at last moment
and keep control of laptop /projector so if anyof the blokes presentations
look any good you can sabotage them . So appearing democratic and confident at same time .
woody said:
Suggest post op talk to coy and head shed get some of your blokes to do presentations but drop it on them at last moment
...or task last minute presentations/lessons so that they have to be given off the cuff with no decent 'training aids' or even a quick revision on the subject matter.

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