Swiss Toni and Des Browne

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by Goatman, Jul 4, 2006.

  1. knifing Mr Blair is like making love....

    0 vote(s)
  2. Swiss Toni anyday

    0 vote(s)
  3. yes, no maybe....can you repeat the question

    0 vote(s)
  4. Des Browne? Who He ?

    0 vote(s)

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  1. Goatman

    Goatman LE Book Reviewer

    Now look here,

    there have been some scurrilous comparisons made between our new S of S, the Rt Hon Desmond Browne QC MP and a character played by Mr Charles Higson in << The Fast Show >> from the British Broadcasting Corporation.

    This sort of thing just isn't good enough. Lord Gnome has asked that in order to ensure there is no confusion the attached images should be clearly displayed in troop locations. This is plainly a hearts and minds issue.

    The Rt Hon Desmond Browne QC MP , Secretary of State for Defence

    Swiss Toni - fighter and lover, estranged husband of beloved Ruth. cf

    It is to be hoped that there will be no further unfortunate repetition of this confusion, inherently damaging as it is to the Army's moral component.....

    Nigel Proboscis-Negre, Col (Rtd)

    Lord Gnome

    [ Shome mishtake shurely ? Ed.]
  2. Being Secretary of State for Defence is very much like making love to a beautiful lady...

    You strip her, stretch her to breaking point, take some gratuitous photos, shaft her and move on before she starts to squeal.
  3. Words of Wisdon from Des Browne: (Probably already been posted but i'm too lazy to check)

    Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.

    Washing a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

    Answering the phone is a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've got to... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak ...loudly and clearly ... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.

    And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You ... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

    Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is ... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself; hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

    Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

    Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay

    Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

    Of course, as you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
  4. Dear Lord Gnome,
    Your esteemed organ recently showed two pictures - one of a used car salesman and the other of a popular BBC comedy actor. Are they by any chance related?

    Yours etc...
  5. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator

    Dear Lord Gnome

    Has anyone else noticed the similarity between the Tom Watson MP, Minister for Veterans and Billy Bunter of Greyfriars, fat owl of the remove?





    I think we should be told.

    Yours etc.
  6. [​IMG]

    PM Blair


  7. Purple_Flash

    Purple_Flash War Hero Moderator

    Managing a deployment to Afghanistan whilst still fighting in Iraq is very much like making love to a beautiful woman and her daughter...

    You tell one you're pulling out and the other one readies herself to give you a hot welcome. Just as you thought you had pumped every little soldier that you had into the former, the latter arouses your desire; you can't stop yourself, can you Toni?

    Ooooh, yes!

    That feeling of completion, of having well and truly spent every bit of your reserve on the older conquest made you think that you needed a period of regeneration. But, whilst you are thinking of easing yourself out of her, her lovely daughter Afgahnistan enters the boudoir - she offers you a pipe of opium and before you know it, you are punishing her for her naughtiness!

    You know you can't do it. You haven't enough lift to channel your troops into her, let alone heavy lift, but you try anyway. And, Toni, its not like the old days, is it? You're getting on. Age takes its toll. Once you could take on the massed Soviet hordes and fight terrorists in your own lands. But not anymore. All those years of cutbacks have taken their pound of flesh haven't they? There are no soldiers left to pump in there, are there, Toni? Or should I say, Tony?

    Once you were so virile, so manly, so able to keep it up several times a night as you so unwisely leaked to the press... but now, now all is different... the troops are all gone Tony, left the Colours or dying in your futile efforts to "punch above your weight" and project your ego around the world.

    Viagra, Tony?

    I know a squaddie who could get you some, for a price. Only trouble is he's in Canada Tony, preparing to go to Iraq again; he'll set foot there a mere year after coming back from there.

    Does that do it for you Tony?
  8. ViroBono

    ViroBono LE Moderator




  9. Goatman

    Goatman LE Book Reviewer

    Bayete, ARRSERS....Miss Rita Chevrolet will be passing amongst you shortly to give her hands-on appreciation of so many fine examples of the genre.:-D

    Lord Gnome
  10. Can we turn this into a Private Eye thread? I have one or two musings by the great E J Norman (Age 13 1/2) on occasion of the death of the Labour Party at the hands of the Jabba-esque tub of lard that I feel are worth sharing with my fellow contributors.