Sweatty Bum Crack

#1
Hello chaps & chapesses,

I’ve just been out having a lovely lunch in the park on this scorching summer day in London! Alas, I’m afraid I’m one of those fellows who suffers from an unfortunate syndrome, one of those cads who might sit on a plastic chair only to leave a fossilised print of my own creation, a fine line of arrse-crack-sweat for everyone to admire. :)

Naturally having discovered my work of art I’m usually quite alarmed so I’ve had to devise a cunning plan that involves swerving my buttocks on plastic chairs in order to dissolve the sweat-mark on my trouser leg. :wink:

However, an even more degrading act has raised its ugly head of late, one that is not so easily resolved. I was sitting down & having lunch & also wearing some beige coloured trousers, the ones that show up the little spots of wee when one doesn’t shake properly. The sun was hot, the grass was slightly wet & there was an audience of curious yuppies suspiciously observing my antics. I was determined to enjoy the summer sun, but in doing so I began sweating like a moist piggy. As the humidity increased all the little sweat goblets managed to gather on my arrse cheeks, they slowly joined together to form small tributaries at first & then eventually combined in strength to create a river of arrse sweat & leave a rather dodgy stain down the back of my trousers. :roll:

I began to notice the seriousness of my situation when I felt the wet spot against my smooth skin, 8O unfortunately my lunch break was almost over so I had to make a break for it in front of all the charming young ladies & assorted office types. I jumped up & marched off sharpish with head held high in defiance of my predicament & hoping that no-one was able to witness the dark line which must have clearly divided my rosy cheeks.

Does anyone else have the ignominious misfortune to suffer from such a condition? If so are there any sneaky manoeuvres to conceal it? I once noticed a young lady in St Tropez sporting some quite fantastic boobies on a tight t-shirt. They had a big, damp, patch underneath which spiralled in a circular motion across the top, so that if one looked at a boob directly it almost looked like the nose of a Messerschmitt. :lol: I suppose young ladies must have it a little harder at times as their sweat marks can be even more obvious!

I remain your most humble servant, &tc.

~D.C.
 
#2
#3
You are in fact an imposter - indeed anyone less "dashing" amongst these hallowed walls, I'd be hard pressed to find.
 
#4
Dashing Chap. Where have you been? Normally I think of you as an idiot expressing your usual fantasies on this site, but recently we have been short of tossers so it's 'welcome back'.
 
#5
Actually I was considering stuffing some tissue paper down my pants but I thought it might look a bit strange on the tube, one can get a little too close for comfort to other commuters at peak times & I'm certain someone would notice if I had a rather rumply arse. 8O

Thank you Mr Rock sir, unfortunately my PC at my bachelor pad has broken, I've lost all my music, photos from drunken nights out & worst of all, my fabulous art collection of young ladies nether regions :x

Jolly good to see you again Mr Jarrod, do you suffer from a sweatty bum?


I am, &tc.

~D.C.
 
#6
You mention "smooth skin" around your crack?

STOP GETTING YOUR CRACK WAXED AND GROW SOME HAIR ROUND IT YOU HOMO.


Those of us with manly bottoms dont have this problem, the old fuzz soaks any problem moisture up quite well.

Also BEIGE? You wear beige trousers? ffs
 
#7
Beige/browny suit old boy, looks rather fetching in the summer!

I have extremely long arse hair & if I don't trim it then I'm afraid it might hang out like bad dreadlocks. I did considering shaving it all off once & then knitting it into a large blanket.

&tc.

~D.C.
 
#8
BEIGE? Stop being such a Girl.

It is Brown. Light Brown I grant you, but brown. There are only 16 colours, like the windows default setting.

Peach and Plum are fruits, not colours.

I don't want to hazard a guess as to what a Cerise is.
 
#9
Well i can only suggest losing the odd extra pound, as if indeed you do have hair in that area like a man should, then you are obviously a little on the rotund side.
This being the case, then you have no grounds to complain about sweaty locations on your body.

However, if you are one of the unfortunates in life who just sweat for the sake of it, then buy darker clothing and stay well clear of BEIGE, its for officers and homo's, although that does tend to be one in the same thing.

Hope this helps...
 
#10
Clearly you are a fat sweaty arrsed barstard who is too scared to take a picture of his boss's blonde and (allegedly) rather tasty daughter and post it on here.
Go away in short, jerky movements until you've carried out this important task.
 
#11
Dashing_Chap said:
Actually I was considering stuffing some tissue paper down my pants but I thought it might look a bit strange on the tube, one can get a little too close for comfort to other commuters at peak times & I'm certain someone would notice if I had a rather rumply arse. 8O

Thank you Mr Rock sir, unfortunately my PC at my bachelor pad has broken, I've lost all my music, photos from drunken nights out & worst of all, my fabulous art collection of young ladies nether regions :x

Jolly good to see you again Mr Jarrod, do you suffer from a sweatty bum?


I am, &tc.

~D.C.
Sorry, but it's probably more sticky than sweaty

Ah my taxi!
 
#12
I imagine it’s the kind that has white icing and brown stripes splattered across the top. :p

Actually old boy I’m quite slim, about 5”9 & 75KG.

Mr Wade sir, I almost shagged my CO’s daughter, she looked remarkably like him too, which may have proved to be quite un nerving in the confusion of a morning hangover. 8O

I’m afraid I no longer have the honour of being stationed permanently in those offices which gave me the delight of viewing that particular young lady’s behind. The grace of which was exemplified by her ridiculously tight suit trousers, I remember they clearly defined the outline of her delicate plums when she bent over in a thong. :wink:
However, it seems that London is full of brisk young things, so much so that I sometimes find it quite difficult to contain myself in a gentlemanly fashion.

I intend to go out again today & face the mass of lovelies in all their exotic splendour, I’m wearing the same trousers too so there’s a slight chance of an attack of the sweats, but I think if I sit in a strange position it may cause my bodily dew to flow in a different direction & if I move about enough it may prevent any marks at all. 8)

I have the honour sirs, to remain your most humble & obedient servant, &tc.


~D.C.
 
#14
Apart from the getting the feeling that you actually (and I suspect, secretly) enjoy the sensation of having rivulets of warm body fluid cascading over your nethers, I don't see what the issue is. When wading through deep water in a former life I used to regularly swamp with abandon - it warmed the usually icers water up and was extremely liberating in a lost-infancy sort of way... I should probably stop there.

But if you are dead-set aginst dodgy wee-like pattersn on your Martin Bell-esque attire why don't you just spray your arrse with antiperspirant? Sure Super Dry manages to keep me sweat-stain free in the current 100 degree heat, if that's not strong enough for your hyperactive pores then I can only counsel Mennen Clinical Anti-perspirant, painted on liberally. That or Araldite, just glue yourself watertight.

You'll probably smell nice too, which might be a novelty for you, sounding as you do, like an ex Army (Pongo) Rupert. Unless you use glue as "squaddie-shower", then you'll smell like a scouse hoodie-wearing teen.
 
#17
"Something likened to a plum in desirableness; a good or choice thing of its kind, as among appointments, positions, parts of a book, etc. any of numerous varieties of small to medium-sized round or oval smooth-skinned fruit with a single pit any of several trees producing edible oval smooth-skinned fruit."

I suppose peaches is a better word & stand corrected, either way it displayed a smooth oval shape & was probably a bit juicy too. :lol:

Ty for the deodorant idea sah, I may be saved! Tho I have tried using the antiperspirant myself & sometimes it leaves some white, gooey, residue on the underarm of my shirt. What if some stiff, white, stains suddenly appear along the seat of my trousers! 8O I dread to think what may happen to my credibility, Lord knows I haven’t a great deal left anyway, well not since the Christmas party... :roll:

&tc.
 
#18
Dash (if I may use the vernacular), you may well be, as they say, fecked if you stay mired, as you are, in a process of denial and disguise. Might I suggest an alternate stratagem?

Rather than hide your overactive glandular activities with unctions, ointments and salves, why not embrace your moistness and in so doing turn it to your trapping advantage? I encourage you to take a constant dosage of Viagra in order to produce a rampant priapic distraction from your sweaty bum and to divert any prying (female) eyes from your bottom. Any reasonably intelligent lady (and you sound like the sort of discerning chap who is drawn to more than just big norks and a tramp-stamp on the lower back) is bound to notice the bulge in the front and the wet patch on the rear of your strides, put 2 and 2 together and assume you're some sort of sex addict who's hung like an Arab donkey and goes like a sewing machine.

You'll be wringing female solicitors out of your sopping Calvins for months.

That said, if you do draw fire from the "ladies" with plums to whom you refer above, you may get more than metaphorically fecked.
 
#19
5.56short said:
Dash (if I may use the vernacular), you may well be, as they say, fecked if you stay mired, as you are, in a process of denial and disguise. Might I suggest an alternate stratagem?

Rather than hide your overactive glandular activities with unctions, ointments and salves, why not embrace your moistness and in so doing turn it to your trapping advantage? I encourage you to take a constant dosage of Viagra in order to produce a rampant priapic distraction from your sweaty bum and to divert any prying (female) eyes from your bottom. Any reasonably intelligent lady (and you sound like the sort of discerning chap who is drawn to more than just big norks and a tramp-stamp on the lower back) is bound to notice the bulge in the front and the wet patch on the rear of your strides, put 2 and 2 together and assume you're some sort of sex addict who's hung like an Arab donkey and goes like a sewing machine.

You'll be wringing female solicitors out of your sopping Calvins for months.

That said, if you do draw fire from the "ladies" with plums to whom you refer above, you may get more than metaphorically fecked.
5.56. At the start of your post I thought that you were going to suggest that DC make the most of his condition and use it as lubricant and become a rent boy. That would be a far more suitable occupation for some one who has admitted to deinking something called Malibu in the company of another man. ( I thought it was a place). Real men drink Pussers Red Label. I don't know much about Arab donkeys myself.
 
#20
Pussers Red Label or that very strange stuff they drink in Norway?

Was it "Ringes" Beer? Various strengths all cleverly colour coded for the speech-intolerant (red, gold and brown as I recall - but then I don't recall much of those cold winter nights).

What is Malibu, by the way? I think my daughter played with a Malibu Barbie once when one of her gash civvy mates came round. Is it the same sort of thing?
 
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