Swearing for beginners

Discussion in 'The NAAFI Bar' started by the_rigger, Jan 12, 2006.

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  1. My boy is 15 months old and just starting to talk, so I figure it is about time to introduce him to some basic swearing and for that matter some preliminary military talk to prepare him for life ahead.
    Now bearing in mind how young he is, I don't want to baffle him with anything too complicated, however I don't to get him in the bad habit of mundane everyday swearing that any mong can do (fcuk this fcuk that etc).
    So I am thinking of combinations of swear words and also squaddy talk swearing combos.

    So far I have come up with the following, but need help.

    Daddy, I am tired= Fcuk me, dad I could sleep on a fcuking chicken's lip.

    No, go away (for those enevitable confrontations with other kids in day care)= Cnuting c0ck off, you sh1t d1ck

    Silly billy= MONGASYOUWEREMONG!

    Mummy drive the car= LEFT HAND DOWN, WOMAN, GET YOU'RE 4 WAYS, WATCH ME NOT YOUR MIRRORS, I COULD GET A SHAGGING PANZER IN THERE!

    Suggestions please
     
  2. Im in the same position wiv a 16 month old daughter just learning to talk.

    Daddy, Im hungry = Get your fcucking hexi out Dad!
     
  3. Mummy, i think i've done a poo in my nappy :

    FCUK ME MUM, PICK THE SWEETCORN OUT OF THIS CNUT I'VE FOLLOWED THROUGH AND ITS LIKE FRANK BRUNO'S CNUTING THIGH


    Mummy, i'm hungry

    "FCUK ME MA, I'M CNUTING HANKERS GEJANKERS, GET DUTY SLOP TO CRANK SOME SCOFF AND A BREW ON"

    mummy i need a wee wee

    "WATCH THIS .................. DOUBLE FCUCKING LEGGER *sound of straining* pssssssssssssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
    THAT'S MY SEAL BROKEN, PLENT MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM ... WHO CAN SMELL SUGARPUFFS?"
     
  4. Cheers gents, this is exactly what I am after. I am writing them down to suggest to the long haired general, although I am having trouble due mirth induced borderline rectal collapse!
    More please folks. I am a caring parent in dire need.
     
  5. "mummy, I'd like a playdate with Sarah".

    "That Sarah is a right slapper, I reckon that a couple of rusks and getting her off her face on Coke and I can kick her back doors in, Skiff her and do-one while she sleeps it off in the cot."
     
  6. daddy can i have swimming lessons

    dad can i go down the swimming pool and perve my rocks off at that fit bithc from school in her costume
     
  7. For use by my 2 yr old daughter at Nursery to the other snotlings

    "Please can I have one of your[ sweets/crisps/a drink]" = GIZ ONE YER TIGHT AR5ED FUGGER* BEFORE I PULL YOUR CNUTING BELLEND OVER YOUR FACE AND GIVE IT A SLAP.


    To the nursery assistants...

    "I've finished my painting, can I do something else?" = FOR F*CKS SAKE YOU MINIMUM WAGE SL*VE. HOW MUCH LONGER DO I HAVE TO SIT 'FINGER PAINTING WITH THESE MLAARRING WINDOW LICKERS? WHILE YOU FLICK YOURSELF OFF UNDER THE TABLE."?



    To SWMBO


    Mummy I need the potty= OY! BOITCH KICK THE TURD-TUPPERWARE OVER HERE I'M TOUCHING CLOTH....













    *Oxford English dictionary definition.

    FUGGER.[noun] An oxygen thief who lies juxta position between a F*cker and a Bugger.
     
  8. Daddy Daddy - Moo cow Fcks sake auld yin look at the nads on that bull, if you had those then I would have bigger nuts
     
  9. My wife prepares a packed lunch for my 7 and 5 year old boys each morning.

    Taking the instruction from this thread literally, my 7 year old enquired of my wife this morning.

    "What's in the fcuking deathpacks, mum?"
     
  10. A mate of mine brought his kid into our office the other day, as they were leaving, the little lad pipes up

    "are these yours??"

    Rummaged in his coat pocket, pulled his hand out and flicked the "V's" at all of us sitting there... i f ucking fell off my chair laughing .... well taught that lad. :D


    i should imagine on arriving at a destination by car, the offspring should be taught to yell

    "GET THESE F UCKING STRAPS OFF ME SO I CAN DE BUS, PRONTO TONTO"

    child then hard targets for cover away from vehicle.... or away from parent struggling with shopping anyway.

    "mummy ... i feel poorly"... translates to:

    "mum, wheres my best kit, i'm going sick ...and pack my PT kit in my large pack while your at it...i can feel a biff chit coming on, and if the cnut tries to palm me off with brufen i'm going to honk in his office to get bedded down"

    Hope this helps Rigger..... your obvious love of your child and attention to detail is a shining beacon of parenting.
     
  11. Child on encountering you and the Mrs being intimate...

    daddy what are you doing to mummy => For fcuks sake you old cnut you've got mummy’s chebs in your grid, WHO THE FCUK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ME?
    The question should be shouted at the top of child’s voice, this statement only applies if all the passion hasn’t already been sucked out of your marriage by simply having kids in the first place.
     
  12. RTFQ

    RTFQ RIP

    Whilst my mates were in the grips of 'Duty Free Fever' I was kindly given a lift back to the UK by a mate in his brand new BMW - the kind that proves the maxim that money can't buy taste. After an uneventful journey, we arrived in dover and within 10 minutes were in traffic. as we pulled alongside a people carrier, a small face appeared. He looked straight at my mate (who was fresh from a tour and used to kids waving and trying to sell him stuff) who was smiling amicably at the child. With no further a do, the kid made a shuffling motion with his hand, combined with a rhythmic motion of his tongue in his cheek - suggesting that my mate's choice of car marked him out as a cock sucker. How we laughed, especially when his sister bubbled him and his mum back-handed him from the front seat in a chopping motion any mounted copper would be proud of during a polltax riot.
     
  13. Standing in the kitchen this morning, I was making my ritual first brew of the day when I felt the beginnings of a rip snorter developing in the pit of my stomach. I was the first one up and nobody else was around so I proceeded to release the most resounding trump which echoed around the kitchen and any man would be proud of. Not realising it, my six year son had crept into the room and announced without hestitation, "More tea Vicar?" Classic, nearly pished myself laughing!