Swamping or Golden Shower? Gender Specific?

#1
While idling the evening away yesterday a male chum and me uncovered a shocking discrepancy. In our perusal of sex related acts that really make you bubble.

I happened to mention that I find nothing more exciting than engineering an enormous bed shaking orgasm (including the rare female ejaculation) followed by an uncontrollable spontaneous golden shower from my lady. The many hours of practise and trial and error necessary to perfect this skill are soon forgotten by achieving this magical event. To be skilled enough to guarantee it takes years of self exploration, 15 years of practise has brought my solo event time down to 47mins and that’s not counting watching Angelina Jolie for an hour first to limber up. So when he pointed out that if a bloke spontaneously swamps the bed it is severely frowned upon and almost always followed by several sniping comments relating to beer consumption, age, and social group of swamper and saintly disposition, mother Theresa similarities and laundry duties of swampee.

Pondering this for a while I had to agree, having ‘been in to bat for both sides’, I don’t find swamping even remotely arousing a far cry from the smug/ clever/ sex goddess feeling the above golden shower elicits from me.

So is there such a thing as erotic swamping?
Is it achieved in some way as yet unknown to us?
Or is it yet another outrageous injustice in the equality stakes?
 
#4
I'll give you my opinion....

I find swamping the bed disgusting and golden showers are the work of the devil - especially two flippin lesbo's at it.

I am quite partial to poking my fellas hoop with childs star wars light sabre, or if he has annoyed me, a cactus.

He seems to like it, but I can't hear if he is moaning or screaming through his leather gimp mask
 

Rod924

LE
Kit Reviewer
#6
deisel_dyke said:
While idling the evening away yesterday a male chum and me uncovered a shocking discrepancy. In our perusal of sex related acts that really make you bubble.

I happened to mention that I find nothing more exciting than engineering an enormous bed shaking orgasm (including the rare female ejaculation) followed by an uncontrollable spontaneous golden shower from my lady. The many hours of practise and trial and error necessary to perfect this skill are soon forgotten by achieving this magical event. To be skilled enough to guarantee it takes years of self exploration, 15 years of practise has brought my solo event time down to 47mins and that’s not counting watching Angelina Jolie for an hour first to limber up. So when he pointed out that if a bloke spontaneously swamps the bed it is severely frowned upon and almost always followed by several sniping comments relating to beer consumption, age, and social group of swamper and saintly disposition, mother Theresa similarities and laundry duties of swampee.

Pondering this for a while I had to agree, having ‘been in to bat for both sides’, I don’t find swamping even remotely arousing a far cry from the smug/ clever/ sex goddess feeling the above golden shower elicits from me.

So is there such a thing as erotic swamping?
Is it achieved in some way as yet unknown to us?
Or is it yet another outrageous injustice in the equality stakes?
Good first post, with plenty of scope for discussion. As you have 'batted for both sides', but have now decided to have your hair shorter than normal for a 'girl', have surgically implanted footballs under each arm for that 'special swagger', ensure that your friends refer to you from now on as Barry and only munch beef curtains, can you aslo let all arrses know if you squirt on your partner?

Further more, does your female buddy also squirt like a Plymouth Tug boat ? If yes, do you and your fellow bather do synchronized squirting? If yes, please may I come and watch? I will provide my own safety arm bands, resi and flippers.
 
#7
I have always thought that there is room on Arrse for a confirmed Jouster of clams with a lively interest in watersports.

Madame, I welcome you. :D
 
#8
a couple of weeks ago i went out got hammerd and i must have pulled coz i woke up swamping her lundry basket...... i dont think she found it to erotic i dont know coz i legged it when i realised what i had done
 
#9
Unfortunately my partner is a tad reluctant to let me shower her with my skills, she's of the same mind as moodybitch concerning watersports so i only get to use my expertise when i am owed a debt. It is much more gratifying to see her succumb to the rollercoaster than it is to experience it by hand, mainly due to the time involved (it's much quicker to administer to others i have a personal best of 26 mins which i am very proud of) also the smugness lasts longer as you get to see them trying to walk straight afterwards.

N.B.
I have long hair, my football shaped bumps are where god intended and i own a frightening amount of shoes. my appetite for beef curtains is pure greed i'm afraid not a lifestyle choice.
 
#10
Personally I hate the stench of my own piss so swimming in anybody else's makes me impotent. Having said that though, if you drink a jerry can full of water before doing the deed it doesn't smell three bad.

Plus, hosing down women (and men) is for winners especially tactical pissing on an unsuspecting sod in a packed bar. Unless the bar staff spot you doing it ( or victims mates) and all it does is make your eye sockets discolour and swell.
 

Rod924

LE
Kit Reviewer
#11
deisel_dyke said:
N.B.
I have long hair, my football shaped bumps are where god intended and i own a frightening amount of shoes. my appetite for beef curtains is pure greed i'm afraid not a lifestyle choice.
Okay, I shall be delighted to attend your plastic clad bedroom and just watch you perform on this occasion, with some of my, herhum, mates.
 
#13
thanks badgers but being a girlie looking at web pictues doesn't quite do it for me (another equaltiy thing)


however, if you were to invite me round to meet the wife say...................................
 

Cutaway

LE
Kit Reviewer
#14
DD, I'm glad you decided to come out as it were and to reveal these things to the Arrse membership.

It now remains for you to post a series of pics or a vid of you in action.

Failing that an invite for a select few dozen impartial witnesses, including such unbiased fellows as myself, Convoy, Cuts, RTFQ, Cutaway, Aunty Stella, me etc., to watch a live event will ensure that your prowess is elevated in a nonpartisan manner to it's proper position (ooh err) in the hallowed halls of the NAAFI.




ps. I should also be present at the demonstration.
 
#15
Cuts I think you are being a bit too subtle there mate. Just ask her "Can I come too please?"
 
#16
Cuts, i have every intention of rushing out and purchasing a web cam thingy and a very long usb so that you can watch a nightly live stream (pardon the pun :D )

purely for verifaction obv and to clear up this myth that all jousters are butch, hairy, tattood sorts who chew tobbaco and scratch themself.
 
#17
deisel_dyke said:
Cuts, i have every intention of rushing out and purchasing a web cam thingy and a very long usb so that you can watch a nightly live stream (pardon the pun :D )
He'll never stop pestering you & he'll invite you to his 'special chamber' for live demos on his various 'precious' guests, but you sound as if you're game, so who knows what fun you'd have! :D :lol:
 
#18
Pissing is for wimps, and birds..... flak a big pointy, curly up at one end log on her chest and when the cartoon wavy lines and steam die down give her a "big daddy splash" off the top rope.... nothing better as it flies out in all directions like you've just trod on a tube of toothpaste.... and you get a free recreation of an H block cell circa 1970's.
 
#19
Shortfuse, i think your blurring the line between erotic (golden shower) and nasty (all things log related) while i admit to a sewer like soh and a rather unique appetite for bizarre sex :p logs fall firmly in the soh category (logs an sex is just plain nasty :!: )


Dozy, pestering is dangerously close to stalking which is scary (cept when i'm doing it, obv, then it's called affection :wink: ) i'm positive Cuts' interest is purely a desire to provide factual evidence and a knowledge based opinion


BTW, Dozy, i would be happy to receive a PM from you so we can..... err........discuss this pestering/ stalking/ affection issue in more depth, i find a photo is always helpfull when debating :)

(pornographic pose optional 8) )
 
#20
deisel_dyke said:
BTW, Dozy, i would be happy to receive a PM from you so we can..... err........discuss this pestering/ stalking/ affection issue in more depth, i find a photo is always helpfull when debating :)

(pornographic pose optional 8) )
d_d, I'd be more than happy to share my insight into Cuts' psyche with you, but (despite Cuts' urging) I'll state now that clam-jousting is not a sport I've ever found myself interested in! Glad you have so much fun though and WELL DONE on the shoe collection - I'll quote you as a case study when I next get told off for owning around 100 pairs of shoes / boots / trainers! :D

PS For those that don't know, Cuts believes that (for women, at least) the following are THE WAY FORWARD:

1 - Bum love
2 - Going airtight
3 - Clam jousting
 

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